


color me blue

by amory



Series: blue verse [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, Full list of triggers in authors note, Harry thinks he can fix everything bless, M/M, Model Harry, Panic Attacks, Photographer Harry, Sad Louis, Suicide Attempt, They just love each other a lot, Writer Louis, lilo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 15:06:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 51,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5421563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amory/pseuds/amory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>And Louis is not a fucking coward, but this hurts so much more than he ever thought it would.</i> </p><p> </p><p>Everyone knows that Louis is broken and Harry likes to think he can fix everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Shit at summaries as always, nothing ever changes.  
> So I've been working on this for a very long time-and when I say a long time I mean over a year-but after a million rewrites and far too many dramatic crying episodes about writers block and a serious lack of skills, I think I've finished. This fic is sort of like my baby and I am absolutely terrified to post it, but I'll do it because I really don't know what fic writing holds for me after this. If I do go out I'd rather go out with a bang, so I guess this is it. 
> 
> Enjoy xx
> 
> Please be warned there are _a lot_ of triggers in this fic; many mentions of suicide, depression, panic attacks, references to self harm, references to drug use, one blink-and-you'll-miss-it mention of underage/dub-con, discussion of eating disorders, a mention of homophobia, and basically a lot of characters just being ignorant assholes. If I missed anything please let me know and I'll tag it!!

“Louis?” The shout rings through the dirty apartment, too loud for such an empty place. “Louis it’s Melissa, are you here?”

Louis is sweating. But he can do this, he knows he can do this. He isn’t a coward.

He isn’t a fucking _coward_.

“Louis, where are you?”

He hadn’t really counted on anyone finding him this soon. He hadn’t counted on the fact that none of his neighbors have seen him for weeks because, well, he hasn’t actually left his flat in weeks. He also hasn’t paid last month’s rent yet…or this month’s, come to think of it.

And it’s definitely not for lack of trying. Up until a few days ago he tried, he tried so goddamn hard just to get out of bed, to write something, to eat, to leave the flat, to get his fucking mail. But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do any of it.

Just listening to his landlady walk around, he knows that she has to kick around trash. Empty bottles, takeaway boxes, plates with dried on food that he just couldn’t bring himself to clean, pile upon pile of dirty clothes. It’s kinda sad that that’s what he lives in but what can you do?

Well, Louis knows what he can do. He’s working on it.

Melissa enters the hallway, he can hear her opening the bedroom door and calling out his name. Louis knows she has a key to all the doors, so he tugs once on the sheet hanging from the curtain rod and steps up onto the chair he’s put in the middle of his shower.

For a moment all he can see are his sisters faces, his mother and her pregnant belly, his father smiling at him, Zayn laughing at his jokes. But that won’t be enough to stop him, not now. It’s too late now.

The last thing he sees before he blacks out-legs kicking around, hands scrambling at his neck-is the note he left on the sink. They’ll know now why he did this. They’ll know why he had to, why he couldn’t give up on this.

And Louis is not a fucking coward, but this hurts so much more than he ever thought it would.

 

_10 Months Later_

 

As soon as Harry makes it past the threshold of his flat, he promptly trips over his own feet and falls to the ground. Not the best way to start off his afternoon, but what did he expect? He’s sort of a walking disaster, has been ever since he hit that growth spurt at sixteen and grew too big too handle his own limbs.

Then again, he probably wouldn’t have a job if it wasn’t for that growth spurt.

Harry resolves to just live out the rest of his life here, face down on the floor of his flat, halfway out the door. Maybe he can hire Niall to bring him food here so he doesn’t die. Maybe he can have someone make him a sign, warning people that there’s an idiot sticking out of a door on the third floor. Maybe he can-

“Um. Excuse me?”

Fuck.

Harry rolls over to his side, takes a peek at who’s talking to him, and curses. There’s a very attractive man standing at his feet, and as if that’s not bad enough he’s holding the fluffiest orange cat Harry’s ever seen. In his entire life.

Hot men and cats. Just throw an adorable newborn in there and he’ll know for sure that this is a dream.

But he isn’t dreaming, and he can’t just lay here and stare at this guy, even though that seems like a great life choice. So with every shred of dignity he has left, Harry pulls himself back up. His back twinges and he winces, because that’s just what he needs along with the bruise that’s probably already forming on his face.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” The man explains, eyebrows furrowing at Harry like he can’t quite believe he’s standing after that. But what Harry mostly notices are his eyes.

They’re so expressive, Harry thinks he can practically read the man’s mind through them. Besides that, they’re an incredible shade of blue, and his eyelashes are just ridiculous. Christ, Harry thinks, he has to be wearing those fake ones. Not that Harry is the premier source on fake eyelashes, but he did set some of his sister’s on fire when he was a kid just to see what would happen.

Harry’s so lost in his rambling thoughts that he barely notices the man is staring at him, obviously waiting for him to say something.

“Oh, uh, yeah. I’m totally fine,” Harry says, chuckling awkwardly and trying to look away from those sinful cheekbones. He waits for a response, but the man keeps staring at him, not saying a word. So Harry keeps talking. “I do this a lot, actually. I mean like, I’m not stupid or anything, I’m just…kind of clumsy? I fall a lot. So.”

The man continues to stare.

Even his cat is staring at Harry at this point, amber eyes clearly full of judgment. He’s being judged by a stranger’s cat. Harry’s about to actually tell the guy this, when another dangerously hot man shows up out of nowhere. Someone’s been breeding them in the basement, apparently.

“Lou? What are you doing?” The new guy asks, eying Harry suspiciously. “Your mum just pulled up.”

“Sorry, I came up to put Molly down but he was-”

Harry jumps in quickly at that. “I fell, actually, tripped over myself coming in, he was just checking on me. Harry Styles, by the way.” He sticks a hand out, waiting for one of them to take it.

Hot Guy Number Two does, smiling hesitantly. “I’m Zayn, this is Louis. We’re moving in next door.”

Louis seems to hold on even tighter to his cat when Zayn introduces him.

“Really?” Harry asks, grinning. “That’s so cool! You guys seem a lot nicer than the girl who was there before. Total asshole. I made her some muffins when she first moved in and she threw them away while I was sitting on her couch.”

Zayn smiles back. “Brutal, mate.”

Harry laughs and pulls his hand back when it’s obvious Louis isn’t going to let go of that cat for anything. “I can help you guys out, though, if you want. I’m done working for the day, so I can move stuff or carry boxes or something.”

Zayn looks like he’s about to say yes, but then Louis subtly knocks their feet together and shakes his head. When he notices Harry’s seen the whole thing, he promptly ducks his head down and presses his nose to the top of the cat’s head. Apparently Zayn doesn’t see this as odd, because he just smiles and shakes his head.

“Thanks Harry, but we’ve got it handled for now. Between the two of us we’ve got an army of little sisters to use as free labor. You should come by tomorrow though, we can do pizza or something,” He offers, ignoring the death glare Louis is sending him. “It’ll be nice to get to know someone in the building.” The last part is said mostly to Louis, who averts his eyes like a child who’s been scolded.

Harry ignores it, even though it is really weird, and smiles back at Zayn. “Cool, pizza then. I’ll see you both later.”

They say goodbye back-well, Zayn says goodbye while Louis just sort of grunts and turns away-and head down to the next flat over. Before he shuts his door, Harry can hear Louis whispering, “I don’t want him to come over. I don’t want _anyone_ to come over.”

Whatever Zayn says in reply is swallowed up by the heavy closing of their door. Harry frowns and closes his own door, wondering to himself why all the fit ones have to be assholes.

 

Molly decides to wake Louis up by jumping on his stomach and laying her ass right there, right over his empty and growling stomach. He opens his eyes just to scowl at her.

“You really are the actual worst.” Louis grumbles. He doesn’t mean it though, not even a little bit, and he knows that for sure as soon as Molly purrs and starts rubbing her face along his jaw. Despite himself, he smiles and scratches behind her ears affectionately.

He goes right back to hating her as soon as Zayn comes striding in. “Great, you’re up!” He says, grinning. “And it’s only two, you’re doing better.” The worst part is that’s he’s completely serious about it. Louis decides to squash that right away.

“Molly woke me up, she’s probably hungry. I’m going back to sleep, can you go feed her?”

Zayn sighs heavily and comes to sit beside Louis on his bed, his concerned look out in full force. “Babe, you have to eat something today. You also have to shower and at least get out of the bed.”

Louis narrows his eyes. “I don’t _have_ to do a goddamn thing so leave me the fuck alone. I don’t even wanna be here.” And judging by the way Zayn cringes, he knows that Louis doesn’t mean “here” as in their flat.

“I’ll feed Molly, but you have to get up okay? I’ll make you something for lunch, we can sit around and watch bad tv until I leave for work.”

Feeling bad for making Zayn upset, Louis nods, but as soon as Zayn leaves he burrows underneath his blankets and shuts his eyes. He wishes he could just lock the door, throw some headphones on, drown everything out completely, but he can’t. Before they even moved in yesterday Zayn and Louis’ mum changed out all the doorknobs. They also locked up the knives, but Louis isn’t supposed to know about that. They probably hadn’t thought he’d notice, seeing as how he hardly touches the kitchen, but he isn’t an idiot.

He also isn’t a child, he’s a twenty-two year old man and he can live in a fucking house where knives are readily available. Or at least, that’s what he wants them all to believe.

In the end, Louis sleeps until around six when Zayn softly shakes him awake to tell him he’s leaving for work. Besides being in nursing school finishing up his degree, Zayn also works in a hospital part-time registering patients. He was actually there the night they brought Louis in, and even though Zayn never really mentions it, Louis knows he still has nightmares about that night.

Louis is a dick.

Zayn leaves him sitting on the couch, wrapped up in the quilt from his bed, still in pajamas, staring blankly at the images flickering across the television screen. Before he walks out, he tells Louis he’s ordered him a chinese and makes him promise to eat it before he takes his meds.

When the food comes though, Louis simply ignores the buzzer going off. It stops a few minutes later when the poor kid apparently gives up, and Louis decides to fall asleep again right there on the couch with Molly on his lap.

Until someone actually starts to knock on his door.

Louis frowns and waits it out, but the knocking only continues. Fucking hell, who would let this guy in anyway?

Eventually he figures that if he doesn’t answer, someone else is gonna come round and cuss him out for all the noise. Louis pushes Molly away gently and gets up, padding across the room. After taking a deep breath to steel himself, he cracks the door open and peeks out.

“Hey, you’re alive!” It’s that Harry boy from next door, and that joke was in very poor taste.

Louis frowns, taking him in. He has another scarf wrapped around his head, just like he did yesterday, but this one is colorful with skulls on it like perhaps he’s trying to be scary. It isn’t working.

“What are you doing here?” Louis asks, hoping his tone will push him away like it does with most people.

But this Harry Styles is not most people apparently, because he just grins and holds up a paper bag, eyes sparkling. “Is your buzzer broken or something? I was coming in and the guy outside had this for you, said it was already paid for so I grabbed it. Figured I could take Zayn up on that offer.”

“Zayn isn’t here. He’s at work.” Louis says. _Go home_ , Louis thinks.

Harry just shrugs, still smiling. “Just you and I, then. Can I come in? Or should I just try to slip through?”

For a moment Louis considers telling him to stick the food up his ass, but besides being worried that Harry might actually do it just to get his attention, he’s come up with a brilliant plan. Harry can eat his food for him, then Zayn will think he ate everything himself, think that he’s a good little crazy person, and he’ll be officially back on his best friend’s good side. With that in mind, he pulls the door all the way open and walks back to the couch, slumping down into the cushions and pulling the blanket around himself so only his eyes show.

Harry strides right in like he owns the place, all long legs and general exuberance. He sets the paper bag down on the table that’s half in the kitchen half in the living room. “Forks?” He asks, and Louis gesturing to the drawers in the kitchen is the only reply he gets.

As soon as Harry sits down, Molly crawls right into his lap like the little traitor she is. Louis watches on scowling, while Harry coos to her and pets her back. “Her name’s Molly right? I heard you talking yesterday.”

Louis just nods.

“I love that name. Adorable,” he says, grinning at Louis like he means it. “God, I wish I had time for a pet. How long have you had her?”

Louis’s almost tempted to hold up his fingers to indicate months, but he decides that might be going a bit too far. “Two months.”

Harry’s eyes widen. “That’s it? But she’s older, isn’t she?”

“Three or four, the vet thinks. She was the sweetest one though so I picked her. I wasn’t really looking for a kitten anyway, they’re way too hyper for me. Older cats need homes too.” It’s more words than he’s spoken in weeks to anyone really, and that’s a little frightening.

Harry looks back down at Molly, brushing his hand over her fur. “That’s really sweet, maybe I’ll get a cat someday. Y’know, when I’m like…settled.”

Louis raises an eyebrow. If he had to venture a guess, Harry looks around eighteen or nineteen, probably still in university. Louis wishes he was nineteen again. Even though it was only three years ago, everything feels so much different now. Life was just so much easier then, nothing compared to the shit hole disguising itself as a human existence that he’s living in now.

“Aren’t you a little young to be worrying about being settled?”

Harry laughs and shrugs. “Yeah, I’m only twenty, but it’s like…I’ve been working for a while now, ever since I was sixteen. I probably only have a few years left anyway.”

And that makes absolutely _no_ sense at all, so Louis has to ask, “What do you do?”

Harry blushes, actually blushes, and looks away. “I’m a, uh, a model. Fuck, that always sounds so stupid when I say it-”

“You fell walking in the door yesterday.” Louis blurts out because, well, that’s all he can think of. Does Harry do that regularly? Maybe that’s his persona, the male model who trips and flails their way down the catwalk, destroying everything they’re wearing in the process. For some reason the image makes Louis want to laugh, but he suppresses it and waits for Harry to stop chuckling enough to answer him.

“I really almost never do runway, but I actually haven’t fallen yet. When I first started I did mostly ads for stores and stuff, I just got into actual fashion a few years ago. Suits and all that, proper asshole things no one wants to hear about.”

Louis frowns and thinks that over. There’s no denying that Harry is absolutely gorgeous, his legs practically go on forever, but Louis didn’t really have him pinned as a model. He’s far too happy and just generally saccharine for something that seems to rely heavily on being a beautiful asshole. Hell, he still came over today despite the fact that when they met Louis was a complete and utter dick to him. He’s still trying to be his friend. No one’s done that since Liam.

Speaking of Liam, Louis really should text him back. He knows Zayn sends him little reports, making sure Liam knows Louis’s just sleeping and not actually dead, but it’s been a whole twenty four hours since they last spoke. Louis’s been ignoring everyone lately, even his own mother, but Liam never really did fall into the category of everyone. It could be because they spent everyday for six and a half months living together in a room the size of shoe box, or it could just be because Liam’s special and he sort of always has been.

“So what do you do?” Harry asks, reaching into the bag of food and pulling out two styrofoam boxes. He passes one to Louis without even checking the contents and begins shoveling spoonfuls into his mouth. Briefly, Louis wonders if Harry should be on some sort of diet that forbids him from eating chinese food at almost seven at night, but he doesn’t mention it.

“I wrote.” Louis says after a moment of picking through his food to find the smallest piece of chicken. He can probably eat that and some rice before he’s full.

Harry frowns. “‘Wrote’?” He asks, mouth still full.

Louis winces at that sight, but nods. “I don’t really do it anymore, haven’t in about a year.”

Luckily Harry doesn’t ask questions, so Louis doesn’t have to explain. He doesn’t have to tell Harry that he spends the time he isn’t sleeping or sobbing simply staring at blank pages. He doesn’t have to explain that he doesn’t have an actual job right now, that the royalties for the only novel he ever published are enough for groceries maybe, that his mother is technically paying his half of the rent for now, that he’s a full grown man who can’t be trusted on his own anymore.

Harry’s just about half done with his box of food, while Louis has barely made a dent in his. He isn’t hungry. He can’t remember the last time he was hungry.

A loud, sharp ringing breaks the comfortable silence and Louis is pissed. Zayn took his phone off silent while he was sleeping. Prick.

By the time he makes it to where is phone is laying where he threw it last night, under the bed, Zayn is calling a second time. He picks it up and rolls his eyes when Zayn lets out an obvious sigh of relief.

“Fucking hell, Louis. What have we told you about keeping your phone on you?” He demands.

“I’m not a child, I don’t need to be babysat.”

Zayn is obviously rolling his eyes. “I know you’re not a child, I’m just saying some courtesy would be appreciated. Are you eating?”

“Yeah, I ate some of it. Thanks, Z.” Louis lies easily.

He probably would have gotten away with the whole thing too, if that idiot Harry didn’t come running in right then holding Louis’ uneaten box of food. “Hey, are you gonna finish-oh, shit. Sorry.”

Zayn pounces. “Who’s that? Is someone there with you?”

Louis sighs and shoots Harry a look. “It’s Harry from next door. You invited him, remember?”

“Lou, that’s great! You’re making friends.” Zayn says, and it’s quite obvious that he’s grinning. He’s probably pretty damn proud of himself.

“Wouldn’t count on it.” Louis mutters.

“Just try to be nice, okay?” Zayn pleads with him. “We don’t need everyone to hate us straight off.”

Louis pouts and it really is a shame Zayn isn’t here to see how convincing it is. “Why not?”

Harry is dancing from foot to foot in the doorway, still holding Louis’ food. Louis rolls his eyes and waves his hand at the boy. Harry grins like a little child on Christmas morning and runs from the room with the box now open. A cruel part of Louis sort of hopes he drops it.

“Are you just letting him eat all your food, is that why he’s there?” Zayn asks, sounding terribly sad about it.

And Louis can’t really deal with being a disappointment right now. “I’m alive, alright? Go back to work, I’ll probably be asleep when you get home. Goodnight.” Without even waiting for a reply, he hangs up and drops onto his bed, closing his eyes.

A few seconds later his phone buzzes to life with a text from Liam.

_love pls try to eat for me_

Louis sighs but texts back, _Anything for you xx_

He gets a simple _:)_ in reply and leaves his phone on the bed to join Harry back on the couch.

Harry stays until Louis’ eyes start to get too heavy and he slowly begins to drift off. He eats practically everything Zayn ordered and even puts away the leftovers and throws out the empty containers. Louis decides he could be okay with having Harry around.

 

Harry doesn’t see Louis again for three days.

He goes over to their flat on the fourth day with a plate of biscuits, as promised, and Zayn greets him with a big smile. “Shit, those look good,” Is the first thing out of his mouth, and then he’s ushering Harry inside.

“I didn’t really know what you like, so I made sugar and chocolate chip,” Harry says, kicking his feet together nervously. “So like, if you don’t like either of those I can make more-”

Zayn laughs and takes the plate from Harry’s hands. He walks back to the couch and sits down, tucking his feet under himself and clearing a few textbooks off the cushions so Harry can sit as well.

“Compared to the shit we eat, this is gourmet.” Zayn tells him after he bites into a biscuit, and Harry beams with pride.

While Zayn stuffs about five biscuits into his mouth at once, Harry looks around. Their flat is laid out like his is for the most part, front room with a hall leading to the bathroom and bedroom, a tiny closed off kitchen to the side, but theirs has a fire escape on the back where Harry is surprised to see Louis. He’s sitting out on the metal landing, swimming in layers of sweats with his mobile pressed to his ear with one hand and a cigarette dangling from the fingers of his other. Molly sits on the ledge of the open window, watching Louis and twitching her tail every so often. He looks tired, and fragile almost, and when he takes another drag Harry sees that his eyes are wet.

“He’s okay,” Zayn says, answering the question Harry has yet to ask.

Harry watches as Louis sort of just deflates, his shoulders sagging, hand going limp until he brings it up to take yet another drag. He still has the phone pressed to his ear, hanging on like its lifeline, and Harry wonders who he's talking to.

 

Louis turns his cheek against his knee and breathes out softly. Liam’s been rambling on since Louis called begging for a distraction, and he’s somehow gotten to the topic of adopting a dog.

“I just think it’d be nice, y’know?” he says, obviously excited. “I could name it something cool, like Thor. Or I could name it Louis if it never speaks and looks like it hates me.”

That coaxes a smile out of Louis. “I love you,” he says.

“Oh, well I know that,” Liam scoffs. “I just mean if it looks like it hates me. It can secretly love me all it wants.”

Louis rolls his eyes and pokes his fingers through the bars on the fire escape. He stares down at the ground for a moment before taking another drag of his cigarette. “I don’t look like I hate you,” he tells Liam, mostly because he wants hear Liam’s voice again.

“Not anymore, but in the beginning you did,” Liam admits. “You know what, maybe I’ll just get a cat. That’s what you remind me of, a grumpy spoiled old cat.”

He actually does laugh at that, though it’s muffled by the fabric of his sweatpants. Well, they’re Liam’s sweatpants really. Louis woke up missing him so much it hurt and ended up searching through his drawers for something of Liam’s to wear. The laugh drifts off into a sigh and Louis squeezes his eyes shut tight.

“I really need you right now,” he murmurs.

Liam sighs and Louis can hear typing in the background. “I’m sorry, baby. I’ll be there soon, I promise, as soon as I can. I love you Louis, you know?”

Louis blinks away tears and nods before he remembers that Liam can’t actually see him. “I know. I love you too.”

They fall into a comfortable silence for awhile after that. Liam’s working on one of his classes online and Louis almost feels bad for bugging him, but he also feels that bone deep sadness that tries to convince him that his life isn’t really worth much and he doesn’t know how to deal with that without Liam. It’s probably not healthy but it’s working and Louis isn’t going to argue with progress.

“Have you seen that cute boy lately?” Liam asks, a laugh in his voice.

Louis rolls his eyes and glances back through the window. Harry is still there, he and Zayn are both sat on the couch watching a movie and laughing about something. “He’s over right now. I think he’s brought something, probably biscuits.”

“Good, go take one,” Liam says seriously. “And then ask him out on a date and stop moping about it.”

Despite himself, Louis barks out a laugh. “You’re such a dick, did you know that? I haven’t been moping.”

“You have absolutely been moping. You called me last night at three in the morning to complain about the fact that he _smiles too much_.”

“Because he _does_ ,” Louis defends, keeping his voice low so Harry doesn’t overhear somehow. “He’s so strange, I can feel him trying to become my friend and it’s strange.”

At this point, Liam is laughing so hard it sounds painful and Louis very much doesn’t appreciate it. He sits back up straight and leans against the brick of their building. Zayn and Harry have stopped laughing and when Louis looks back, he finds Harry staring at him. Instead of cringing away and hiding, Louis simply lifts his cigarette to his mouth and takes a long drag. Harry frowns in confusion but turns back around as soon Louis raises his eyebrows at him.

“I remember trying to be your friend,” Liam says and Louis grins because he remembers it too. It’s hard to forget when every morning he opens his top drawer to find piles and piles of notes and hearts sloppily cut from construction paper.

“Yeah, and I found you strange then as well.”

Liam scoffs. “And now you’re in love with me, so maybe just give the poor guy a chance Lou.”

“I don’t want another friend, I have enough friends.” Louis grumbles.

Neither of them touch the fact that Louis only has two friends if you don’t count Molly. Before what happened he cut off communication with everybody, all of his friends in London and back home, every friend who was more than a friend on the weekends, even people like his dad and Zayn. No one really understood what was happening and no one has reached out to him to find out why he disappeared off the face of the earth, which is what scares Louis the most. He doesn’t have time for people who don’t understand, people who act like friends and then bail out when things get hard.

He really doesn’t want to risk getting attached to someone only to realize he meant nothing to them.

Louis takes one final, long drag of his cigarette before flicking the bud off the fire escape. He tilts forward to watch it fall, keeping his eyes trained on to it until it’s laying on the cement of the dirty back alley just waiting to be crushed underneath feet and wheels. It’s so tempting. He’s never been so tempted.

“Talk to me.” Liam whispers.

Louis closes his eyes, breathes out slowly, and whispers back, “There’s nothing to talk about.”

 

“So what’s wrong with him?” Niall asks, hopping around in an attempt to pull his trousers up.

Harry shakes his head at his best friend and adjusts the scarf he has wrapped around his head to keep his freshly styled curls out of his eyes. “Nothing’s wrong with him, Ni, he’s just sort of sad I think. I thought he was a bit of an asshole at first but now I think it might’ve been a defense mechanism or something. Maybe he just needs a friend.”

“Well, that would be you then I guess.” Niall winks and Harry grins.

The two of them pick up their bags and leave the studio, waving to random faces as they pass, immensely happy to be done for the day. After hours of nothing but being prodded at and poked with needles and not having nearly enough caffeine to compensate, Harry really just wants to go home and collapse. If the bags under Niall’s eyes are anything to go by, he feels the same way.

Harry met Niall three years ago at a casting call. It was the first one Niall had ever been on and he was very obviously scared out of his mind; the fact that everyone else were acting like stuck up assholes wasn’t really helping. Harry shared his bag of grapes with him and a few days later their agency threw Niall into the apartment Harry already shared with three other guys. They sort of stuck together ever since then, supporting one another like a little family. Harry really doesn’t know what he’d do without Niall at this point.

Niall spends the tube ride back to Harry’s flat playing a puzzle game on his phone until it dies, at which point he begins searching Harry’s pockets for his phone. Harry rolls his eyes, but says nothing when Niall easily punches the pin in and starts playing a game, despite the fact that Harry changed the pin yesterday. Again. After spending so much time together they’ve sort of lost any sense of boundaries, but Harry likes to change his passwords often, if only to keep Niall on his toes.

“I’m gonna fall asleep.” Niall murmurs, halfway through a game he’s downloaded that includes puppies for some reason. Harry just smiles and pets his hair when Niall leans against his shoulder. Niall knows Harry will take care of him if he does.

When they make it to Harry’s flat they immediately start fighting over what Harry should make for dinner. Niall is yelling about the health benefits of cheese pizza when they come out of the stairwell and hear shouting from around the corner. Louis’ shouting to be exact.

“Molly! Come back here right this instant!”

He sounds so stern about it that Harry starts to laugh, until a big ball of orange fluff rounds the corner and careens into his legs. Harry yelps but still manages to scoop Molly up, holding her close while he turns the corner despite her yowling protests for freedom. She glares at him with betrayal in her yellow eyes and Harry almost feels bad for a moment.

Louis stands in the middle of the hall looking absolutely flustered and defeated, and he seems to be crumpling up the letters in his hand. When he spots Molly in Harry’s arms, he breathes a sigh of relief and strides right over. Harry just about melts when Louis takes the fat cat from his arms and holds her up so their eyes are meeting.

“I am _very_ disappointed in you, young lady,” Louis scolds, frowning at the cat. “You cannot be trusted, can you?”

Harry can’t hold back his snicker and Louis’ head snaps up, eyes widening as if he’d forgotten Harry was even there. Judging by the way he spoke so fondly and teasingly, he probably did forget. Louis runs a hand through his messy hair and straightens his shirt. Even though he’s lived here for just about two weeks now, Harry has yet to see him out of pajamas or sweats. He thought it was pretty strange for awhile, but then he dropped by the flat around three in the afternoon to return a record he borrowed from Zayn one day and Zayn explained that Louis was asleep. Still.

“Hey, Lou,” Harry says, greeting the nervous looking man with a smile. “This is Niall, my best mate I was telling you about.”

Niall, who has caught up and is now standing beside Harry, grins massively. “Hey! It’s great to finally meet you. I feel like you’re all H’s been talking about for days.” When Harry not so subtlety rams his elbow into Niall’s stomach Louis doesn’t even crack a smile.

It’s basically a repeat of two weeks ago. Louis completely shuts down, frowns at the two of them, and nods. “Hi, I’m Louis. I’ll see you later Harry, thanks for catching her.”

Before he can turn around and run back to his flat, Harry speaks again. “Hey, wait a minute. Is Zayn working tonight?”

Louis furrows his eyebrows and shakes his head. He continues to frown and side-eye Niall skeptically, but Harry mostly ignores it. “No, he has this weekend off. Why?”

“You two should come round later. Niall and I are gonna take a nap, but after that I’m making dinner and we’ll probably spend the rest of the night playing video games.”

Louis bites his lip and seems to think it over, his eyes still flicking to Niall every so often as if the Irish lad might lash out at him. Not that Niall would ever actually do that. Harry has seen him put his spider catch and release program into action too many times to think that Niall would ever hurt someone physically _or_ emotionally, for that matter.

“I’ll…I’ll ask Zayn if he wants to,” Louis says carefully. “What time would be good for you?”

Harry grins because that’s almost as good as a yes. He tugs his phone away from Niall to check the time. “How about seven, is that good?”

“It should be, but I’ll check. Thanks Harry.” Louis nods to both of them and turns around, walking down the hall and disappearing into his dark flat.

As soon as he’s gone, Niall starts cackling. He slaps Harry on the back as he passes him. “Fucking hell.”

Harry frowns, confused, but follows Niall to his door. He pauses for a moment, pulling out his keys, before asking, “What? You don’t like him?”

“He seemed alright for a minute there. I’m sure he’s really great once you get to know him, but that’s not what it is.” Niall pushes past Harry into the flat, dropping his bag and coat on the floor before tossing his shoes wherever, chuckling all the while. Harry follows suit and they head straight for his room.

“What is it, then?” Harry asks, slipping out of his trousers and crawling into his bed.

Niall laughs, tugging a pair of Harry’s joggers on. Harry knows those are Niall’s favorite because they’re covered in random designs that don’t make any goddamn sense, and he thinks that’s funny for some reason. Harry keeps them in the top drawer of his dresser just for when Niall stays over, which is pretty often.

“Mate, he isn’t a project.” Niall says, dropping onto the other side of the bed facing Harry.

Harry frowns at that. “I don’t think he’s a project-”

“What I’m saying is, you can’t just show up and try to fix him Harry,” Niall’s voice has gone much softer, apparently noticing that Harry’s actually very serious about this. “You don’t know what kind of shit he’s gone through, probably still is going through. I’m not saying you should stop like, flirting with him or whatever, but I don’t think you should expect him to just be perfectly fine with it all the time. I know you have that hero complex, that whole _I’m Harry Styles, Watch Me Save The World_ thing going on, but take a step back once in awhile, alright?”

If anything, Harry’s even more confused. “I’m not trying to fix him, not really, I just like him. I don’t think he should have to spend his life completely isolated.” He says, his voice quiet. He feels utterly stupid now, he was just trying to help. Then again, it’s not the first time he’s tried to help and ended up fucking everything up.

Niall sighs and reaches forward to push back Harry’s fringe, now completely deflated from where the stylist had coiffed it. “That isn’t really your place, at least not yet. I know you’re coming from a good place, that you’re trying to help, but just watch yourself alright? Don’t overstep, and just try to remember that not everyone can be fixed. Not everyone wants to be fixed.”

Harry nods and lets his eyes close. “Love you, Ni.”

“Go to sleep, idiot. I want pizza when I wake up.” Niall says, his voice overflowing with fondness.

“Not happening.” Harry mumbles, and the next thing he knows he’s being shaken awake. He hasn’t gotten any proper sleep in four years.

Harry really didn’t intend on impressing anyone tonight-which is what he’s going to do, he’s decided-so he barely has enough food in his kitchen to feed himself, let alone three other people. In a brief moment of weakness he considers ordering in, but quickly shoves that away. Niall isn’t going to win this battle, he’s going to impress Louis if it kills him.

Or starves him, apparently.

Niall walks past, ducking into the fridge for a beer. He laughs when he notices Harry, standing there scowling at the food he’s pulled out and set on the counter as if it’s personally offended him. “You know, pizza wouldn’t be that bad-”

“Niall!” Harry shouts. “If you suggest that one more time I swear to god I’m not even going to try to help you when the agency throws you out on your ass.”

“You’re heartless.” Niall whispers, holding a hand over his chest and stumbling out of the kitchen as if he’s been wounded.

Harry just rolls his eyes and grabs the unopened bag of tortillas. Tacos it is, then. There’s no possible way to mess this up…hopefully.

When Niall opens the door twenty or so minutes later, Harry is finishing up seasoning the meat in the pan. Zayn comes striding in, greeting Niall like an old friend despite the fact that they have never met. Louis looks hesitant about the whole thing, glancing around Harry’s flat with his shoulders slumped and his arms crossed over his stomach. Harry waves to them from the kitchen using his spatula, which makes Zayn laugh.

“Do you guys want a beer?” Niall asks, walking over to the fridge and pulling it open expectantly.

Louis opens his mouth, but Zayn beats him to it. “No, sorry. Louis doesn’t drink.”

All eyes fall on Louis, who is scowling. “Zayn.” He growls out.

“None for us.” Is all Zayn replies with, grinning.

Louis looks ready to fight it, but ends up just huffing out a frustrated sigh before walking into the living room. Niall raises his eyebrows, but Zayn just shrugs as if it’s nothing.

“Don’t worry, he’ll get over it. What’re you making?”

Harry frowns but takes Niall’s advice and leaves it alone. He lets Zayn and Niall poke around the kitchen and bug him about everything down to what the tortillas are made out of before he finally just kicks them out. They’re good friends and all, but he does sort of miss Louis.

It’s so much different when it’s just the two of them. As Louis gets more and more comfortable, he opens up more. He’s sarcastic, he’s funny, he makes absolutely revolting jokes, he sings along to commercial jingles. Harry would like to get Louis out of his shell even more though, maybe get him to open up a little, maybe just talk to him without Louis shutting down when he doesn’t like the topic.

_Not everyone can be fixed. Not everyone wants to be fixed._

Harry shakes Niall’s voice away and tries to smile.

“Food’s ready!” He announces to the flat, taking a step back to survey the spread of food he’s set out. He made his own guacamole, because Niall practically cries when he doesn’t, found some salsa hiding in his fridge which isn’t as good as homemade but it’ll do, laid out practically anything someone could stuff between a tortilla, beans he found in his cabinets, crisps he tossed there just because, and he even managed to sweet talk a measuring cup full of rice out of the sweet old woman next door. So, the dinner might not be completely hopeless. It might even be good.

Niall and Zayn have apparently been in the living room painstakingly finding every pillow in existence to make a bed on the floor, but abandon it for the promise of food. Louis follows slowly, eying the food like it’s some sort of trap. Before he picks up a plate, he presses himself close to Zayn’s side and whispers something. Zayn sort of frowns and squeezes Louis around the shoulders gently, as if he might break.

“Can you try a little?” Zayn murmurs, his voice full of hope.

Louis bites his lip, but nods. Harry turns away from them both and begins to fix his own plate, pretending not to notice when Louis takes only a taco with very little in it, and that’s all. It isn’t his place to judge, he reminds himself, and it really isn’t any of his business.

The four of them settle onto the mass of pillows that have taken over Harry’s small living room. Niall distributes controllers along with a word of warning to everyone that he’ll probably kick their asses at Mario Kart. Harry swears he hears Louis snort beside him, but puts it off as his imagination. That is, until they actually start to play.

The rest of them have hardly made it past the line while Louis has already pulled off and is shooting through the track. While the other three are fighting and yelling, like any decent human should while racing as a princess, Louis remains completely silent and straight faced. The only time he even shows a hint of amusement is when Harry gets close behind him and he throws a banana, sending Princess Peach skidding away. Harry swears he sees an evil glint in Louis’ eye.

In no time at all he’s passed the finish line, leagues ahead of the rest of them. Louis says nothing, just drops the controller and leans back against the pillows, watching in obvious boredom while his little Mario celebrates their win.

Zayn laughs, shaking his head. “Fucking christ Lou, honestly?”

Louis shrugs and closes his eyes. “Not my fault you’re all amateurs.” He mutters, pushing his plate away. He’s taken maybe three bites of the taco, if not less. Harry can’t lie and say he’s not disappointed.

Zayn ends up in second place, Harry in third, and Niall in fourth vowing revenge. While Harry is setting up the next game, ignoring Niall shouting his input, someone’s phone starts to ring. He pauses when he sees Louis blink his eyes open, his ever present frown deepening as he reaches into his pocket. As soon as he sees the screen though, he grins. Harry drops his controller and stares.

Because if Louis was handsome before, he’s absolutely stunning now. His entire face lights up in a way Harry has yet to see, not even when he beat them all at Mario Kart by an impressive amount of time. The bags underneath his eyes disappear for a moment, lost in the way his eyes crinkle up at how big he’s smiling. He looks just so genuinely happy, and when he answers the phone his voice is bright and full.

“Baby, you called,” he says, still all smiles. “I was getting worried when you didn’t text me back. Thought maybe you had decided to stop loving and adoring me.”

Zayn fakes gagging. “Lou, take that to the bedroom where it belongs.” He yells.

Louis rolls his eyes and pushes himself up off the pillows. When he walks past the other three boys he stops only to smack Zayn in the back of the head, and glance towards Harry. “Thanks for dinner. I’ll see you.” With that, he walks out of the flat, giggling into his phone at whatever the other person has just said.

There’s a moment of silence, and then Niall asks, “Girlfriend?”

Zayn throws his head back and absolutely cackles. Once he’s calmed down enough to breathe, he shakes his head. “Louis has had one girlfriend his entire life, and that was his neighbor when he was six. His mum brings out the pictures still, it’s proper embarrassing,” he wipes at his eyes, before continuing. “No, that was Liam.”

Harry raises an eyebrow. “Boyfriend, then.” He decides.

“I mean,” Zayn trails off, shrugging. “They’re just close, Louis and Liam, they get each other. I doubt they’ve ever actually done anything more than kiss, Louis probably would’ve told me. I don’t really understand it to be honest, but it works for them.”

“Good for him, then,” Niall decides. “Come on Haz, start the goddamn game.”

Harry looks away and does as he’s told, trying not to think about how Louis spoke to the man on the phone. Liam. He wonders how long Louis’ known him, how long it took for Liam to break through that attitude Louis uses like a shield. It seems not even Zayn is very good at making him happy, at least not with other people around like Liam just did.

When he loses the race he simply shakes his hair out and pushes the thoughts away. He needs to stay out of it.

They play two more rounds of Mario Kart before putting in the new Avengers movie. They talk over it mostly, yelling about the action scenes, fighting over their favorite superhero, before eventually just falling into an actual conversation. Harry feels incredibly inadequate when Zayn talks about university.

It’s not like he has any chance at a future anyway, he didn’t even think about going to uni, but it still makes him uneasy knowing he could very well lose his job someday and have no backup plan.

Just before Zayn leaves, muttering something about checking on Louis, he pulls Harry aside. “I just wanted to say thanks,” he says quietly. “For treating Louis normally, I mean. Most people don’t, they look at him like a charity case or try to push him to act how they want. He’s lost a lot of friends because of it and it’s sort of nice to see him actually make a friend.”

And Harry can’t help but blurt out, “What happened to him?” He knows he’s made a mistake as soon as it's out of his mouth because Zayn now looks close to tears.

“Louis’ my best friend Harry, has been for going on six years now. If I knew the reason why he does the things he does and did what he did, I’d fucking fight all of it for him. But I can’t, because those are his demons not mine, and I’m going to leave it up to him to explain it to you if he wants to someday. I’m never going to understand the way he feels well enough to figure out why he is this way, chances are you never will either. We’re really lucky for that.”

Harry simply stares at him and shakes his head. “He’s really lucky to have you.”

Zayn grins and shrugs. “And I’m lucky to have him. Goodnight Harry, thanks for dinner. Give Niall another hug for me.”

And then he leaves Harry to think about Louis all night.

 

Louis is laying on his bed at three in the morning quietly scrolling through his friends on Facebook. He hasn’t been on it in months, hasn’t caught up with anyone in months.

Seeing them all so happy sort of makes Louis want to puke up his guts. He can’t help but think it isn’t fair that everyone else gets to be happy and successful while he still can barely get out of bed some days. What makes them so special, what makes everything so easy for them?

How is that fair, he wonders.

“Lou?” Zayn whispers from across the room in his own bed. “Babe are you still up, what’s wrong?”

Louis shuts his laptop and shoves it away. “Nothing,” he murmurs back, squeezing his eyes shut. “Nothings wrong, go back to sleep Z.”

 

Harry rides home after his shoot feeling particularly lonely. It was a couple shoot which he normally doesn’t have a problem with, but the girl he was with was very pretty and her eyes were so blue and he couldn’t stop thinking about Louis.

There’s just something about that boy that makes his insides feel like they’re melting and he doesn’t know how to stop it.

On the way to his flat, Harry stops off next door to pick up enough takeaway for two. It’s probably wishful thinking but he still quietly knocks on Louis and Zayn’s door and waits.

After a minute or so of waiting, the door finally creaks open and there’s Louis. He looks tired, but then again he always looks tired, and he frowns at Harry when he sees him standing there.

“Hey, Harry. Something you needed?”

Harry bites his lip and shakes his head. “No, sorry this was probably stupid. I’m just feeling a little lonely I guess and I was wondering if maybe you’d want to have dinner with me?”

He expects Louis to laugh right in his face and slam the door, maybe roll his eyes and tell him a less than polite no. Instead, to his great surprise, Louis’ face softens and he nods.

“Yeah. Yeah, I think that’d be okay.” He murmurs, opening the door wider.

Harry grins and lets himself in.

 

“How’s the medication working for you?”

Louis rolls his eyes and stares out the window, watching tufts of snow fall and melt before they even hit the ground. Winter’s finally here and he’ll be twenty-three soon. He never thought he’d make it to twenty-two, let alone twenty-three.

Who knows, maybe he won’t. God, he really hopes he won’t.

The doctor sighs and taps her pen against her papers, the ones she writes on about how hopeless Louis is. This is the fourth time Louis has been in her office, you would think that she’d maybe would have gotten used to him. You’d think she would have stopped trying by now.

“Let’s talk about your father, Louis. Have you spoken to him recently?”

Louis’s head snaps back over at that and his frown deepens. “He isn’t my father, don’t ever call him that,” he growls. “None of this has anything to do with him anyway, _nothing_ I do has anything to do with him.”

Doctor Rogers raises her eyebrows. “Maybe not consciously-”

“No,” Louis interrupts. “Not at all.”

She stares back at him for a moment, before nodding and scribbling something down in her notes. “How are your friends, then. Your flatmate and your boyfriend?”

“Liam’s not my boyfriend,” Louis mutters, before shrugging. “They’re alright, I guess. Zayn’s miserable.”

“Your flatmate?” She asks, and Louis nods. “Why would you say that?”

Louis sort of wants to bang his head against the wall.

“Zayn has to take care of me all the time. He can't go out in the mornings because he likes to check that I’m still there and breathing, he can’t go out in the afternoons because he has to make sure I eat, he can’t go out at night because he has to be there to make sure I take my pills and don’t do anything stupid. When he isn’t with me he’s working or in class, and if he’s at work or in class he has to keep checking on me. I’d be miserable too.”

The doctor seems to mull that over for a moment, before nodding. “I understand that, but have you ever thought about his feelings? You are his best friend, Louis, and he just wants to make sure that you’re safe. If he was miserable, if he didn’t love you or care about what happens to you, do you think he’d still be trying so hard?”

Louis shakes his head. “I don’t want to talk about this. What time is it?”

Doctor Rogers checks her watch. “We have seven minutes. Would you like to tell me about that boy from next door, what was his name? Harry?”

And that is definitely enough. Louis gets up, collecting his coat and nodding towards the door. “I’ll see you Friday.”

“Louis.” She warns, not even sounding mad just exasperated. God, he fucking _hates_ therapists. He can’t wait for his next appointment with his other doctor, the one who doesn’t seem to give a shit, just asks him about his side effects and ups his doses. Lovely man.

Zayn stands up when Louis walks out into the waiting room, raising his eyebrows for an explanation. Louis simply walks right past him and outside, sliding into the car Zayn borrows from his co-worker on Mondays and Fridays. If you ask Louis, two appointments a week is a bit much, but no one fucking asked him. Why should he get a say in his own life, right?

When Zayn finally gets to the car he just drives off, completely silent. It isn’t until they’re about five minutes away that he finally speaks.

“Do you even want to get better? Do you even care?”

Louis leans his head against the car window and shrugs. “I thought I made it pretty clear what I wanted.” He mutters.

Zayn clenches his fingers around the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles go white, but says nothing else. He does speed up a little though, and Louis knows he’s done it on purpose. Louis doesn’t even try to fix it.

When they pull up in front of the building, Zayn unlocks the doors. “Go inside, I’ll be back later.” He doesn’t even glance away from where he’s glaring at the street ahead of him.

Louis frowns. “Where are you going?”

“To be alone for awhile.” Zayn says, his voice hard.

Tears prick at his eyes, but Louis just nods and gets out of the car. As soon as he shuts the door, Zayn speeds off, leaving him there.

He should run. He knows he should run, go far away, leave Zayn alone. Zayn doesn’t need this stress, he doesn’t need Louis around ruining his life for him. For some strange reason, though, he doesn’t run. Instead he turns around and walks up to his room.

Slamming the door of his flat behind him, he stops just to cuddle Molly for a bit, before heading back to his room. Once there he shuts the door, grabbing one of Zayn’s books from beside his bed and flipping it open until he can wedge it under the door. After he deems that good enough, he starts pushing his dresser across the floor until it sits flush against the door.

No one’s getting in and he sure as hell isn’t coming out.

And he thinks about it, he really does. He stares at the orange bottles on his nightstand, rolls them around in his hand to hear them rattle, even pops one open and shakes a handful out. Could he even swallow that many at once? Or would he have to space it out, incidentally giving himself time to think about what he’s doing.

His hands shake so badly that he ends up dropping most of them on his bed. Somehow he manages to pop two in his mouth and swallow them dry without choking, and then he’s reaching for his phone.

Liam answers on the first ring. “What’s up baby?”

Louis tries to breathe, before gasping out, “I need you.”

There’s shuffling on the other line, and then Liam’s speaking again, softer and sterner this time. “Louis, listen to me. It’s going to be fine, okay? You’re going to be fine, just breathe for me. In and out, count to ten. Can you do that baby?”

Louis makes a noise that’s a cross between a moan and a sob. “Can’t do it, Li. M’gonna die, can’t breathe.”

“You aren’t going to die, just try to breathe with me.”

Louis tries to focus on the sound of Liam on the other line, breathing slowly with him. His thoughts run rampant, telling him he’s such a failure as a friend, as a person in general. He’s crazy, he’s a sick fuck for wanting to stay this way and he knows it. Zayn doesn’t deserve this.

“Baby, have you taken your pills?”

Louis nods before remembering Liam can't actually see him. “Yeah. Was gonna take all of them. Called you.” He mutters.

“I’m so proud of you, Lou, I really am. You did the right thing,” Liam whispers, his voice cracking halfway through. “Do you want to talk about what caused it, or do you not know?”

Exhausted, Louis climbs under his blankets and closes his eyes. He waits for a few moments, just to catch his breath, before telling Liam what happened. When he gets to what Zayn said to him in the car, he starts to cry again.

“I just want to be gone, I don’t want to be his burden anymore.” Louis cries.

Liam sighs. “Lou, you’re not a burden, you’re never a burden. Do you maybe need a little help now and then? Sure. But you know and I both know for a fact Zayn wouldn’t be doing this if he didn’t think you were worth the effort.”

Louis sighs against his pillow. “He shouldn’t have to do this, I should be able to take care of myself.”

“Someday you will, I promise you will. Right now you’re trying to get better, there’s no shame in that. Please don’t feel bad for asking for help.”

Louis wishes it he didn’t feel bad. He wishes he didn’t need help. He wishes for a lot of things.

“Liam, do you love me?”

The other man laughs as if the whole sentence was a joke. “What kind of question is that, then? Of course I love you.”

Louis smiles. “I love you too. Can’t wait to see you again, I really need you.”

“I’ll be there soon baby, two weeks or so by the looks of this project.” Liam sighs and there’s a multitude of clicks in the background. Louis rolls his eyes.

“You and your techie bullshit, Li, I swear.”

Liam mocks him in a high voice which surprises a laugh out of Louis. He definitely doesn’t feel up to laughing, but Liam has that sort of effect on him. He always has, even after Louis would come back from long gruesome therapy sessions where literally every bad thing in his life was brought up and rehashed, Liam could still made him smile.

The lock on the front door clicks and Zayn’s footsteps start as soon as the door slams. Louis sighs. “He’s back, I’ve got to go.”

“Alright, just try to remember what I told you. Remember that he loves you, only wants the best for you. Remember that I love you too, okay? Always.”

Louis nods and whispers a goodbye just in time to be met with Zayn frantically trying to open the door, stopped by the stuff Louis has piled in front of it.

“Louis? _Louis_!” He shouts, pounding on the door, his voice catching on his best friend’s name. “Louis, please, just please be okay, you have to be okay-”

Realizing what’s happening, Louis stumbles to his feet and pushes the dresser away just enough to tear the book out from under the door. It swings open only seconds later and Zayn tackles him.

“Oh my god, oh my _god_ ,” Zayn cries into his shoulder. “Louis, no no no. Please, no.”

Louis clutches him close and shakes his head. “I didn’t, I’m okay. Z, I’m right here.”

Zayn’s shaking, noticeably shaking. Louis hasn’t seen him like this in almost a year. He did this. He did this to Zayn, he’s the reason why his best friend is crying and pleading with him to still be alive.

“I couldn’t do it Lou, not again. I couldn’t ever make it through that again.”

“I’m sorry. God, I’m so fucking sorry.” Louis whispers.

They stand there for who knows how long, simply holding one another and crying. Neither Zayn nor Louis really need words to know how much they need each other, how much they love one another. And Louis makes a promise to himself right then, promises that he’ll try harder to want to get better.

He has to get better.

 

Harry’s at a party and he sort of wishes this wasn’t part of his job.

Don’t get him wrong, he loves going out, he loves to dance with his friends, drink, just generally have a good time. What he doesn’t like is basically being pimped out for the entertainment and the enjoyment of people he’s supposed to be making connections with.

As if on cue someone wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him forward. He looks up from where he’s been staring at his beer, pondering the mysteries of the universe and his life, to see a sleazy looking man grinning at him.

And shit, Harry knows this guy from somewhere. He swears he does.

“Harry Styles, right?”

“Um, yeah.” Harry says, attempting to twist away from the guy, but his arm is sort of squeezing him tight.

As if Harry struggling is hilarious, the man grins. “Phillip, we met at a party once before. Don’t you remember me, darling?” He fakes being hurt and Harry knows exactly who it is now.

Shit.

“Kind of hard to forget a guy who tried to force one of my good friends into sucking his dick for a campaign.” Harry says as sweetly as possible.

Phillip tips his head back when he laughs, because that’s also hilarious apparently. “I’m sure she realized later on what she passed up.”

Harry narrows his eyes. “Cara is doing pretty well for herself, if you ask me. I’m going to go now.”

When he tries to pull back, Phillip only tugs him closer. “Listen love, I have something I think you’d be perfect for. Friend of mine’s looking for a face for his new line, and I think you’d be perfect. Being the kind man I am I’d love to bring you up to him, if you’d do something for me in return.”

Harry feels sick to his stomach. It’s not like this is the first time this has ever happened to him, far from it actually, but he still isn’t used to it. The fact that he should have to be used to it at all only makes his urge to puke all over Phillip's posh suit worse.

“I’m going to leave now and I’m going to pretend this never fucking happened,” Harry growls. “And I suggest you do the same.”

“Come now, Harry,” Phillip chuckles. “You could be so big, love, if you just stopped acting like such a fucking prude.”

Harry frowns, trying his hardest not feel hurt over that. “I’m not-”

But Phillip has already started to speak again. “Tell you what, why don’t you bring along that fat little Irish friend of yours? I’m sure I’ll be able to find _something_ for him to do. We all know he won’t last long, not with that figure.” He raises his eyebrows suggestively and Harry doesn’t let his eyes linger on the obvious bulge in Phillip's trousers.

Without really thinking about what it could mean for him, Harry grips his beer tight and splashes the rest of it over the man’s face. The people around him go quiet for a moment, before bursting out into laughter. Harry ignores it and scowls at Phillip who’s flailing around yelling about Armani suits and leather shoes.

“If you come near me or Niall again, I swear to god I’ll break this bottle over your goddamn head.” Harry warns him.

Phillip looks up at Harry, fuming, his face turning bright red. “You’re ruined Harry Styles, do you hear me? No one is ever going to want to book you again, not after I tell them what you’ve done. Don’t think for a second I’m not going to your agency about this.”

And Harry just shrugs. “Do it. I don’t care anymore, I’m done.” With that, he tosses the empty bottle of beer at Phillip and turns on his heel, fleeing the room and stumbling out onto the street. There are paps around, but they don’t pay Harry any mind. They’re waiting for the actual models to leave, people who’ll gladly suck a dick and develop an eating disorder if it means fame.

The sad thing is, Harry can’t really say he was never one of them.

“Harry?”

Harry turns around and breathes a sigh of relief when he sees Niall bounding towards him. Before he even says anything, before he can even begin to explain himself, Niall pulls him in for a hug.

“I fucked up so bad, Niall,” Harry whispers against his best friends neck. “They’re going to toss me, I know it. I should’ve just done it, I should’ve just gone with him.”

Niall pulls away at that, putting his hands on Harry’s shoulders and glaring at him. “No, you shouldn’t have. Fuck that, Harry, and fuck whoever told you that you have to do that to get anywhere in this world.”

Harry smiles sadly. “Already have.”

Niall cringes and Harry remembers it, how he stumbled back to the apartment late that night after his first big shoot, sixteen, alone, and scared out of his mind because he just had his first time with a woman twice his age in a bathroom stall-but still ecstatic because he was going to be in an actual magazine in a few weeks and get paid thanks to her.

He didn’t even wear a condom, she convinced him it was better that way.

Saying nothing else about it, Niall intertwines their fingers and starts the walk to the nearest bus stop. The trains stopped running hours ago and they never made a definite plan about how they were going to get home. Niall seems to have it planned out though, because he just finds the line that’ll take them back to Harry’s house and pulls his best friend in close to him when they sit down, letting Harry rest his head on his shoulder.

They’re quiet until they make it to Harry’s bed and Niall’s turned out all the lights and changed into his joggers. Harry really should wash those, he thinks.

“My booker told me I need to lose at least ten pounds, probably more,” Niall whispers into the dark. “And like…I expected it, you know? I’m a lot shorter than the rest of you and I’m in plus size for a reason, but I don’t even know if I can lose that much without just not eating.”

Harry makes a noise in his throat and reaches for Niall, pulling him in close. “I don’t want to see that happen to you. You’re perfect just like this.”

Niall laughs, but his voice is so sad when he speaks that Harry thinks he might be crying. “Not for them. Maybe for you, but I’ll never be perfect enough for them.”

The two of them go quiet and the darkness almost feels like a weight on Harry’s back. He doesn’t know how to fix this, doesn’t know how to make this any better. But he does know one thing, he’s sticking by Niall no matter what.

“My rent’s cheaper than yours,” Harry murmurs. “We could do it, you know. My contracts up for renewal at the beginning of this month, yours is a few weeks later, yeah?”

Niall nods against Harry’s chest. “The week after that.”

“That’s not that far off, it’ll give us time to find other jobs. We can’t do this forever Ni, we both know that. Especially not if this is what it’s going to turn into for us as we get older.”

Even as he says it, it terrifies him. Harry doesn’t have any other skills besides being tall and looking pretty, at least Niall actually has a chance at getting into university. Harry has nothing, just four years of thinking he could make it through life this way.

Turns out he was wrong, but what else is new?

“You would want me here?” Niall whispers, sounding unsure.

Harry chuckles. “Ni, I’m pretty much lost when you aren’t here. I spend what little time that you’re not around at your flat, so it's not like there’d be much of a difference.

“You’re an idiot, Harry, honestly,” Niall laughs. “But yeah, that’d be nice. I’d really like that and we could so do it. I know we could.”

Smiling now, Harry can see it. He can see himself working in a coffee shop or something equally as cliche, touching the money he’s saved over the past four years only when he absolutely needed to, spending his nights with Niall around and not worrying about waking up at four in the morning to get to a fitting, or being weighed everyday. For some reason though, Louis and Zayn are present in this little fantasy world he’s created, joining himself and Niall for movie marathons and clubbing. And that’s far too weird a thought, so he pushes it away and stays where he is for now.

 

Something falls heavily beside Louis that creates a dip in the bed and stirs him awake. Unless Molly has gained around five hundred pounds or so, there’s definitely another person in his bed.

“Zayn go away,” Louis grumbles, not even bothering to pull his head up from where it’s smashed into the pillow. “I’m not hungry.”

“Do you sleep with Zayn often, then?”

Louis is suddenly very awake. He turns his head slowly and gasps when he sees that he hasn’t hallucinated the voice. “Liam!”

Liam grins and nods. “Hey, Lou.”

That’s all it takes for Louis to push himself up and tackle him, rolling Liam over onto his back and laying on top of him, wrapping his arms around the man’s neck and burying his head there.

“I’m so glad you’re here.” Louis whispers, his voice cracking.

Liam rubs a hand down Louis’ back, soothing him with just a simple touch. “Hey, baby calm down. What is it? What’s happened?”

“I’m just so sick of it.” Louis murmurs, nosing along Liam’s jawline and trying not to feel bad about the fact that they haven’t seen each other in almost three weeks and the first thing he does is cry on Liam’s shoulder. It’s not like he hasn’t done it about a million times since they became friends, though.

“I know Lou, I know,” Liam sighs and he doesn’t even have to ask what Louis means, because he _does_ know. He knows better than anyone. “You promised though, remember? You promised me that you’d at least try.”

Louis pulls back a little to wipe at his face and look Liam in the eyes. “I’m trying so hard Li, I really am, but it isn’t getting better. Nothing gets better.”

Liam hushes him and pushes his hair back, before leaning forward enough to just barely press their lips together. “You are doing so well Louis, and I am so incredibly proud of you.”

Louis just shakes his head and stares into Liam’s pretty eyes. They’re probably his favorite pair of eyes, he thinks, though he has become fond of Harry’s recently. He pushes that thought away immediately and breathes out slowly. “There isn’t anything for you to be proud of.”

“I don’t think you see it-and maybe you just don’t want to see it, which I get-but you are getting better. Remember when you wouldn’t even talk to me? Or look at me?”

“I was smarter back then,” Louis says, breaking into a smile despite the darkness that feels like it’s closing in around his heart, squeezing like a vice. “Priorities in order and all that. Sleep first, acknowledge Liam’s existence later.”

Liam laughs. He brings a hand up to cup the back of Louis’ head and gently tug him down until their foreheads touch. “Look how far you’ve come, doing both at once.”

And Louis can’t help but laugh back at him. He reaches down to kiss Liam’s cheeks and then his forehead, peppering his entire face with little pecks of his lips. He hasn’t been this happy in weeks, but Liam has always seemed to have that sort of effect on him.

“You told me two weeks, you liar, it’s been four days.” Louis scolds.

“Hmm, I may have lied.”

“Because you love me,” Louis giggles. “You can’t stay away from me. A moment not spent in my presence stretches on for days-”

Liam groans and rolls himself over, pinning a very giggly Louis down to the bed. “Go back to sleep, you brat," He then pushes his nose into Louis’ hair and smiles before continuing. “When we wake up we’re showering and leaving this room.”

Louis winces and stops his laughter. “But-”

“When was the last time you showered?”

Louis’s silent.

“Thought so,” Liam murmurs, his _take no bullshit_ tone out in full force. “And when was the last time you left the flat, besides going for your appointments?”

Nothing.

Liam nods. “It’s okay, I get it. I love you so much Louis, okay? Now let’s go back to sleep, you were texting me until six this morning you twat.”

Louis snuggles closer to Liam and closes his eyes. He loves this boy so much, it’s almost scary to think of where he’d be without Liam. If he’d even still be here.

When they wake up a few hours later-Liam declares it a ‘decent time to be awake’, but it’s before noon so Louis isn’t happy-Louis reluctantly mopes his way out of bed and down the hall to the bathroom. Liam holds him up in the shower and washes his hair for him, massaging his scalp and leaving little kisses everywhere he can reach.

Louis simply closes his eyes and melts into it, focusing on the hot water pelting his skin and Liam’s soft humming. Liam is the only person he’ll willingly let take care of him because he knows for a fact that the man isn’t doing it out of pity. If Louis knows anything, it’s that Liam loves him, that Liam won’t ever leave him, that if no one else ever kisses him again in his lifetime he’d be perfectly happy this way.

“Best shave too,” Liam murmurs, running a soapy finger along the scruff that’s taken up residence on Louis’ face. “Getting pretty bad.”

Louis just sticks his tongue out and gathers water in his palms to throw at Liam’s face.

They emerge from the bathroom ages later clean shaven and smelling nice, which is more than Louis could say for himself the past few weeks really. Liam wraps him up in one of Zayn’s coveted fluffy towels and practically sets him on the bed, before going through his suitcase. He returns with the largest softest jumper he owns that Louis has been stealing for almost a year.

As usual, when Liam pulls the cream monstrosity over Louis’ head it swallows him up. Louis looks down at himself, and then back up at Liam so he can reach up and slap him in the face with a sweater paw.

And something so simple like that makes his heart hurt because, fuck, this is how he used to be all the time. He used to be playful, flirty, sarcastic and incredibly annoying. It makes him sad that no one but Liam has seen that in so long, because maybe if they did people wouldn’t hate him so much.

Or maybe they would, because plenty of people called him a prick back then and meant it but he just didn’t care. It would be great not to care like that again.

Oblivious to the distress going on in Louis’ head, Liam reaches over to fluff out Louis’ hair. “You’re a monster.” Liam declares, but Louis simply bares his teeth at the comment and laughs.

They sit for a minute just staring at one another, Liam tracing Louis’ face with his eyes. Louis just sits and watches him back, eyes landing on the scars that peek out from under the towel Liam has slung around his waist. It isn’t like he hasn’t seen them a million times before, along with the one that trails down his left arm, but it still makes him sad. It still makes his heart hurt just thinking of Liam feeling so alone and hopeless.

“I just like to cause you trouble.” Louis mutters, pulling his eyes away and seeing Liam smiling sadly at him. He’s ruined their happy moment, per usual, but Liam doesn’t let that affect him.

“I’ll eat you up I love you so.” He murmurs, leaning down to rub their noses together.

Louis smiles back and wraps his arms around Liam’s neck, squeezing. “Sap,” he accuses. “I’m going to marry you someday, you just watch. Keep you for myself, force you to say nice things about me constantly.”

“If you said the word, I’d marry you now. Mostly because I’d be too scared to say no.”

In mock anger, Louis pinches Liam’s bicep and falls back on the bed. Molly soon joins him, laying by his head and watching with him as Liam buzzes around the room half naked.

Not that Louis’s complaining, of course. What self respecting gay man wouldn’t want to watch a shirtless Liam Payne tidy their room? He could work with Harry and Niall if he wanted, or maybe just start a business where mostly naked maids clean the flats of disgusting boys in their mid-twenties.

“Li, can I lick your abs?”

“Can it wait? I probably taste like soap right now.” Liam answers, not missing a beat.

Louis bursts out a laugh and turns his head against Molly’s belly. “Later, then,” he giggles. “Holding you to it.”

“You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t.” Liam turns away from where he’s actually _folding_ Zayn’s dirty scrubs just to wink at him. He then puts the folded dirty clothes pile neatly in the hamper and mumbles something about doing laundry.

Louis really doesn’t deserve this man.

After he’s apparently deemed the room decent enough, Liam slips into a jumper and his coat and reaches a hand out for Louis. Reluctantly, the older man takes it and finds some trousers to pull on along with his coat. He hates that coat. Zayn bought him that stupid coat a month before he got too sad too keep going, it then spent almost eight months in a box with his name on it at the hospital because of the string in the hood, and well, it just doesn’t bring great memories along with it.

For some reason though, he just can’t get rid of it and every time he thinks of buying a new one all he can think of was the look on Zayn’s face when he came home that last day wearing it. Zayn practically cried.

Liam keeps his hand on the small of Louis’ back, tucking his thumb under all the layers to rub slow, calming circles into the boy’s skin there. As tiny a gesture as it is, it still makes Louis feel a little safer. He knows he’ll be okay with Liam there, he’ll be able to make it if Liam’s there.

They’re walking down the steps when Louis spots Harry bounding up, holding a half eaten banana in one hand and a giant envelope in the other. When he finally notices Louis, he grins and waves with the bulging envelope.

“Louis! I haven’t seen you in ages.”

Despite himself, Louis’ lips turn up the slightest bit at the edges. “I saw you a week ago, Harry.”

“Like I said, ages,” Harry moves his attention to Liam, still grinning. “Who’s this, then?”

Liam smiles back, because he’s a fucking puppy and if you show him any sort of affection he falls in love with you. As soon as he introduces himself, Harry’s entire face lights up. “You’re Liam?” he exclaims. “Zayn told me about you!”

Louis groans and looks anywhere but Harry, which means he ends up looking at Liam, who is a dick. “And I’m guessing you’re Harry. I’ve heard all about you.” He says.

Louis elbows him. Hard.

Being as oblivious as he is, Harry just looks absolutely delighted by the whole thing. “Really? Good or bad?”

“Do you really wanna know?”

Harry laughs and shrugs the joke off. “Guess not then. Anyway, Louis come see these.” He reaches into the envelope and pulls out a folder. When he opens it there’s a closeup of his face which he ignores, reaching for a picture in the back.

“Is that you?” Louis blurts out, and then he blushes bright red because he’s an idiot. Of course that’s Harry, who else would it be? Apparently sensing his tension, Liam moves his hand up to Louis’ neck and massages it, kneading the muscles gently between his fingers.

Harry barks out a laugh and looks down at the picture. “It’s edited, like, a lot. Like, my eyes are definitely not that color.”

Except they are, Louis thinks, they are that brilliant bright green color in the picture. Sure, maybe not all the time, but definitely when he smiles and when he’s excited, and when he tells a stupid joke. His nose looks different in the picture though, and they’ve done something to his hair that tames it and to his arms that make them look more muscular. He even looks paler, contrasting more with his eyes and the black shirt he’s wearing. Louis doesn’t like that, he doesn’t like them changing Harry.

Not that he should even be thinking about something so stupid. It isn’t any of his business anyway. He just has to keep reminding himself of that and he’ll be fine.

“You look really good, Harry.” He manages to choke out.

“Thanks Louis,” Harry replies, his eyes lighting up just like the picture. “I’ll let you two go, then. How long are you staying Liam?”

“Week or two,” Liam replies, shrugging. “A month at most. I take classes online so I can pretty much go anywhere, but I do need to get back sometime.”

“Great! We’ll all have to do something, then. I haven’t been out properly in ages.”

“Definitely. We’ll tell Zayn when he gets home, ask him when he’s off next.” Liam says casually, but the concern in his eyes for Louis is obvious and he pulls his friend closer as if to prove it.

“I’ll see you both later.” Harry waves at the two of the and heads up the steps two at a time, tripping over one but not even slowing.

As soon as he hears the door to their floor slam, Louis sighs and slumps against Liam. “Li, if we do something with him he’s going to invite his friend Niall. I don’t think Niall likes me.”

Liam’s hand settles on Louis’ waist and he starts walking again. “How could he not like you?” he asks, as if it’s some great mystery. “How could anyone do anything other than completely adore you like I do, I don’t understand.”

Louis rolls his eyes and bumps their hips together. “You’re an idiot.”

“I’m your idiot,” he corrects. “Besides, if we do anything with anyone it’s not like I’m going to leave you alone. I won’t leave your side if you don’t want me to, not for anything. They could use the jaws of life if they wanted, it wouldn’t work. They could hook us both up to different cars and-”

Louis decides to interrupt him before he can go any further. “You’re my favorite person.” He tells Liam as they walk out onto the street.

Liam just smiles and tucks Louis close to his side. They make it a few blocks away before Louis finally asks where they’re going. He knows Liam would never do something that would make him uncomfortable, but the fear of the unknown is still there and strong.

“Just a bookstore,” Liam replies. “I looked up one while you were knocked out. I’ll buy you anything you want.”

Louis makes a noise of protest. “I can buy my own books, Li, I still have royalties from that stupid thing.” He grumbles, hating to even mention the book, which he now refers to as _The Bloody Disaster_ in his head.

“I want to buy you books, they make you happy. I like to make you happy.”

Knowing he’ll never win that fight, Louis gives in and lets Liam continue to lead him down the block. They end up in a tiny used bookstore that’s fused with a coffee shop and is probably around the size of Louis and Zayn’s flat, not including the little open loft where there are even more stacks of books.

It’s in places like this that Louis actually feels like himself, places that are full to the brim with stories and other people’s words just waiting to be brought to life by somebody. He loves the smell of the paper and ink mixing with biscuits and tea that sit in the little cafe section. Usually in a place this small and this stuffed full, he’d feel claustrophobic and self conscious, but he doesn’t. He just feels at home.

They walk through the shelves hand in hand, Louis reaching out and running his fingers over the spines of the worn books. Someday, he thinks, he wants his books to look like this. He wants someone to love his stories so much that the binding starts to crack and the pages yellow, with writing in the margins and pencil underlining favorite quotes, being passed on to someone who’ll love it just as much as the person before them. He thinks maybe he’d feel worth something then.

“Hey, Lou,” Liam says suddenly. “Look.”

Louis turns and frowns when he sees the book in Liam’s hands. His book. Not that anyone would know it was his besides his mum, Zayn, and Liam because it’s under a pen name and he has no intentions of ever owning up to writing that terrible thing.

It doesn’t even look a little beat up, but when Liam opens it to the title page, there’s a little drawing of a smiley face there, along with a name. If the hearts above the I’s are anything to go by, it belongs to a girl, but Liam pulls it back before Louis can actually read it.

“I’m buying it.” Liam announces.

Louis shakes his head. “Don’t you dare.” He growls.

Tucking the book under his arm, Liam just walks to the next row of books. “I want to see about this William Darling everyone talks about.” He teases, and Louis just leaves it.

God, he fucking _hates_ that book.

Liam ends up buying a book for Louis that he swears will be good but Louis isn’t confident about, along with Louis’ book and something else for himself. Neither them nor the woman at the register can tell what the old novel he picks out actually is because the title is gone and most of the pages are ripped out or falling out. Liam, the idiot he is, thought it was cool and bought it anyway.

They settle in at the one table in the front of the shop by the window, a plate of biscuits and a tea for Louis between them. Liam hooks his ankle around Louis’ under the table and let’s him read while he mostly flips through his book and glances around.

Louis finds himself sucked into his novel rather quickly. There’s zombies or something like them and women fighting them and horses, so he’s alright with it. It isn’t until about an hour or so later that he starts to itch.

Feeling guilty for ruining their day out, Louis looks up and whispers, “Liam?”

Liam glances up from where he’s typing in sentences he can decipher from the book he bought into google. When he sees the look on Louis’ face, he tucks his book into the bag with his other book and nods. “Alright baby, you did really well. I’m so proud of you.”

They give their empty plate and mug back to the woman working at the espresso machine and leave the shop hand in hand. When they get far enough away and Louis is slightly more calm, Liam squeezes his hand.

“Before you know it you’ll be out on dates with that Harry kid.” He declares.

Louis’ eyes widen. “I…no. Why would I do that?”

“Because he obviously likes you,” Liam says, as if it’s just a fact. “His eyes get all big and sparkly when he looks at you, it’s sort of pitiful. And just judging by the way you talk about him, you like him too.”

And that’s absolutely terrifying because Louis doesn’t want to like anybody. He wants to be safe, he doesn’t want to have to worry about how other people are going to react to him. No one is going to accept the fact that he doesn’t want to go out on dates, or even leave his bed most days. No one is gonna have any fucking clue what to do with him when he panics, when he refuses to shower or turn his lights on, when he doesn’t even want to eat or be alive.

It’s just scary, Louis thinks, because he isn’t normal and he probably won’t ever be again and people don’t want that. People don’t want difficult, they want quick fucks or long deep meaningful relationships, and he can't do either of those things.

“I only want you.” He whispers, and then he feels like complete shit.

Liam just smiles and nods because he’s ridiculously understanding and sweet. “That’s alright then, baby. But if you ever do want someone else someday just know it won’t change anything. I mean like, it’ll change a little obviously, but I’m never going to stop loving you or taking care of you when you need me.”

“I’m not going to want anyone else,” Louis says firmly, almost like he’s trying to convince himself as well as Liam. “You’re the only one who really gets me. As long as I have you around to kiss and hold, I don’t think I really need anyone else.”

Liam stops them both short and backs Louis up close to a shop window. He moves his hands up to cradle Louis’ face, cold fingers a shock against the his warm skin but it’s almost like it wakes him up. Liam is staring at him quietly, puffs of white escaping through his lips, eyes searching and confused.

Finally, Liam tips forward and presses his lips against Louis’ forehead.

“If that’s what you want, then you have me,” Liam murmurs. “Forever, Lou.”

Louis pulls back and nods. “Forever, then.”

And Liam doesn’t look entirely sure about it, Louis thinks, but he nods and takes Louis back in his arms so Louis figures they’re alright. They walk and Liam holds onto him like he might float away, like he’s precious. Like he deserves to be treated this way.

It’s nice.

 

Harry’s at a shoot when his phone starts to ring. He puts down the coffee he was pumping into his body like a supplement and frowns down at it. The number isn’t in his phone, and he doesn’t recognize it. There’s about a minute left before they’re done screwing around with his makeup, so he answers.

“Hello?”

There’s silence, and Harry’s about to hang up, but then there’s a soft voice speaking. “Harry? Darling it’s me. It’s Mum.”

Harry hangs up and forces a laugh when the makeup artist teases him about giving his number out to strangers.

 

“I loved it.”

Louis groans and bats at Liam’s face. It’s too early to be up, and much too early to have Liam grinning at him like that when their noses are practically pushed together. “Go away,” he grumbles, closing his eyes and rolling over on his side.

“Lou,” Liam whines, pulling him back. “C’mon, listen to me. I really loved it, I swear. The ending, though, that’s torturous.”

Smiling, Louis tucks his head under his pillow. “That was my intention.” He can still remember the moment he thought of the ending, leaving everyone wondering what happens next, including himself. It probably wasn’t a great idea, leaving his main character standing on the edge of a building of all things. There’s still no ending to that terrible story, not in his head at least, he’s sure the internet has tons of theories about what could’ve happened.

“Does he die?” Liam begs, tugging at Louis’ shoulder. “The main character, at the end Louis. Does he die?”

There’s no answer because it changes everyday.

 

Harry’s sure that Liam is a great guy, anyone who makes Louis smile like that _has_ to be a decent person, the thing is he’s pretty sure Zayn is full of shit. Harry hasn’t seen anyone kiss someone who isn’t their boyfriend that much in his life, outside of a club or course.

But it isn’t anything like couples in clubs because there’s nothing dirty about it. Liam treats Louis like he’s beautiful and special which, well, he is. And that makes Harry upset too because he can’t even be mad at Liam since he’s treating Louis exactly how he should be treated.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Zayn seems to worship the ground on which he walks and even Niall loves him already. They’ve only just met a half hour ago, but they’ve already reached a point of banter and teasing like they’ve been the best of friends for years.

In short, Harry’s just really confused.

Currently they’re all sitting around Louis and Zayn’s living room-which is actually clean thanks to the incredible Liam apparently-having a superhero movie marathon, eating pizza at Niall’s insistence, and Liam knows everything about superheroes and isn’t that just charming?

Harry is not bitter, he is _not_.

For some reason he got stuck on the couch with Louis who’s quite literally in Liam’s lap, laying against his neck and smiling in content. Every so often, the hand that’s holding Louis around his waist will come up to brush his hair back and tweak his ear.

“Li,” Louis laughs quietly. “Cut it out.”

Liam leans down and kisses his forehead. “Never, baby. You’re so cute today.” He whispers back. If Harry wasn’t sitting right next to them he wouldn’t have even heard, but he probably still would’ve seen the way Louis’ blushes bright red when the light from the television hits him, and buries his head against Liam’s neck.

Harry looks down at Molly who sat in his lap as soon as he got here, and sighs. This is as good as it’s gonna get for him, apparently.

While they finish off the two pizzas Zayn ordered for them, Liam manages to convince Louis to eat an entire piece, which is more than Harry’s ever seen him eat at one time. Or ever, really. Liam then follows it up with so much whispered praise that Louis blushes again, and eventually just covers Liam’s mouth with his own to shut him up which means Harry gets a front row seat to see the boy he has a crush on make out with his not-boyfriend on the couch. It’s fine.

“I’m gonna get drinks,” Harry announces awkwardly before he jumps up off the couch so fast that Molly tumbles onto the couch cushion and gives him a look like she's plotting his death.

“I’ll come too,” Liam says, standing up much slower. “Tea, babe?” He whispers to Louis as he slowly moves the boy off his lap and safely into the corner of the couch. Louis smiles sleepily and nods.

Zayn shouts that he needs tea as well, and Niall calls them all assholes and disappears to Harry’s flat in search of beer. Liam looks to Harry with raised eyebrows, before leading the way to the kitchen.

The two men say nothing to each other as they putter around the kitchen, Liam pulling out mugs and flipping the kettle on, Harry trying to use his thirst as an excuse to drink about fifty glasses of water and not talk. Liam isn’t okay with that, apparently, because he starts talking.

“Louis likes you, which is sort of rare for him,” he says casually. “He spent the first week we met glaring at me like I insulted his mum or something.”

Harry nods and puts his empty glass in the sink. He stares down at it for a moment, watching the droplets on the sides of the glass slide down and gather at the bottom. “How long have you two been together?”

When he finally gathers enough strength to glance up, Liam is giving him a strange look. “We aren’t…” he trails off and shakes his head. “I’m just whatever he needs me to be.”

That makes no fucking sense at all, so Harry just nods like he understands and goes back to staring at the kettle, willing it to boil faster.

“Listen,” Liam starts, before sighing and shaking his head. “I’m not gonna give you some ‘you hurt him, I hurt you’ speech, alright? I’m not his keeper. But just be careful because Louis is so fucking important to me, and if he gets hurt you’re going to wish we had never met. So maybe it is sort of that speech, but I don’t think you’re going to do anything on purpose.”

Harry stares at him, mouth hanging slightly open. “Louis doesn’t-he doesn’t even like me as a friend.”

Liam barks out a laugh and pours water into two of the mugs on counter. “Please don’t be an idiot. Zayn’s told me Louis has a thing for idiots.”

“I don’t understand what's going on right now.” Harry admits.

Sighing, Liam leaves him there and walks to the other side of the kitchen, returning seconds later with something in his hand. “He likes boys who read, poetry, shitty chick flicks, football, and he loves Taylor Swift even if he won’t ever admit it,” he says, showing Harry a sleeve of oreos. “He also hates sugar in his tea, takes Yorkshire if you have it, and _always_ wants a biscuit.” Liam puts some sugar in two of the mugs and picks them up, tilting his head towards the remaining ones before walking away.

It takes Harry a moment to get what's happening, and then he frowns. Why is Liam helping him? Shouldn’t he be keeping boys away from Louis, even if he is just the best friend? He and Zayn both seem extremely protective of him, the idea that either of them would be okay with this is baffling. That, and the fact that Liam had his lips all over Louis not even five minutes ago are making this really hard for Harry to comprehend.

He shakes his head and brings the tea he’s made according to Liam’s suggestions and the oreos out to the couch. Louis is pouting at Liam, a full on pout with the pushed out lip and everything, and it does something strange to Harry’s heart. God, he wants to kiss that boy so bad.

“Harry made you some, see?” Liam’s voice pulls Harry back to reality.

All the eyes in the room turn to him, including Niall’s, who’s obviously laughing behind his beer. Harry ignores them and hands Louis’ tea over, holding his breath when Louis stares down at it and blinks.

“You made me tea?” Louis asks, raising an eyebrow.

Going for casual, Harry nods and sits down. He toes his boots off and curls up on the opposite end of Louis, who is still in Liam’s lap and still staring at him. So are the other boys, for that matter, so he just grabs an oreo and hands the rest of the pack to Louis.

Everything’s quiet except for the sound of gunfire coming from the movie, and then Louis is whispering, “It’s really good Harry, thank you.”

Harry looks over at him and smiles, taking in how adorable he looks like this. He’s in someone else’s jumper that’s hanging off one shoulder with a beanie thrown on and his blue eyes dull and sleepy, and he looks like a human invitation to cuddle. When he sees Harry staring at him, he becomes suddenly very interested in his tea.

“You’re welcome.” Is all Harry says, and no one says anything else.

By the time they start _Quantum of Solace_ , Louis is asleep. He’s slumped against Liam’s chest, fingers just barely holding onto the man’s jumper, toes tucked under Liam’s thigh, and every so often he’ll snuffle softly and breathe out a little sigh. Harry might be melting a little on the inside, he thinks.

Bond is on the screen being chased around for some reason, when Louis starts to stir. He seems okay at first, but then he sits up on Liam’s lap and starts taking deep, heavy breaths. One shaking hand reaches up and he wipes at his eyes, coming away with his fingers wet.

Liam glances away from the screen long enough to realize what’s going on. “Zayn?” He calls quietly.

When Zayn looks over, he apparently sees whatever it was that Liam saw and jumps to his feet. He sprints away, disappearing into the bedroom before running to the kitchen. By the time he returns and gives Liam the glass of water and whatever he has clutched in his hand, Louis is breathing so heavily Harry is worried he might pass out.

“Hey, baby it’s alright. I’m right here, c’mon darling.” He hands Louis the glass of water and a pill, which was what he had in his hand apparently, and watches while Louis struggles to take it without sloshing water around.

The three of them are simply staring at Louis, even Niall has abandoned the movie to look on in concern. Liam gives Zayn a pointed look, and Zayn nods. “Hey, guys I think we should give him some space.” He says.

Niall must get it because he nods and gets up. Harry follows, feeling absolutely useless as he watches Liam take the smaller boy’s hand and put it over his heart, watches him put his own hand over it and press down. He whispers something to Louis and Louis just nods back slightly, still gasping for breath.

“I’ll see you both later, right?” Zayn opens the door for them, obviously not wanting them to stick around and talk about it.

Harry nods though and Niall pulls him away so he can’t just keep staring. The last thing they hear before the door slams is Louis gasping out a sob.

 

Louis is going to die.

He can’t breathe. He’s having a heart attack and he cannot fucking _breathe_.

Liam’s whispering to him, something about in through his nose out through his mouth or some bullshit. He can’t breathe at all, let alone focus on how he’s doing it. He can’t even feel the material of Zayn’s jumper under his hand anymore, or even Liam’s hand that he knows is over his.

He’s going to die and Harry and Niall are going to know he’s crazy. They both know he’s insane now, he saw them, he saw the look on Harry’s face as he gasped for air. He can never leave the flat again.

Louis can’t breathe.

It feels like years before the meds start to kick in, even though logically he knows it’s only been ten minutes, maybe a little less. If one good thing came out of any of this, it's that particular pill. He is a thousand percent sure that none of the other meds work, but back before he ever ended up in a psychiatrist’s office his panic attacks lasted a half hour at the least.

The first time he ever had one he was sure that his heart was going to stop and he would die. He called his mother and after she told him it wasn’t a heart attack, she assumed it was because he was stressing out over the deadline for his manuscript. Louis never corrected her.

Soon it becomes easier to breathe, feeling like less like an anvil on his chest and more just like pressure. Louis can feel his pounding heart slowing down under his hand, can feel his breathing returning to normal.

And then he can hear Liam whispering to him. “Come on baby, in and out. It’s okay, just slowly, go slowly. We’re right here, we’ve got you.”

“Mum,” Louis gasps out. “Zayn, please.”

“Got it Lou, wait here.”

Louis smirks and relaxes back against Liam’s chest, closing his eyes. “Where else would I go?” He asks, breathing heavily.

Even though he still sounds worried, Liam chuckles slightly. “She’s okay Lou, I promise. They all are.”

Louis just shakes his head and doesn’t say anything back. After what happened, he can’t afford to believe any of that.

“Yeah, he’s alright I think,” Zayn’s says, voice getting closer. “He’s right here. Lou?”

Louis opens his eyes and takes the phone from Zayn’s hand, pressing it to his ear and whimpering. “Mum?”

“Baby, what is it? Are you okay?”

As soon as Louis hears his mother’s voice, he loses it again. His breath hitches, his chest heaves, and he breaks out into sobs. Behind him, Liam rubs his back and Zayn reaches to tangle their hands together.

“Mummy, I’m sorry,” he cries. “I’m so sorry, I love you.”

She hushes him softly. “Darling, you don’t have to be sorry.” She whispers.

“I ruined everything,” Louis whimpers. “I made them hate me and I made you sad and I-”

“Don’t start that,” his mother scolds gently. “The girls don’t hate you, they just don’t understand. They love you Louis, they love you just as much as I love you, and I don’t think any of us will ever understand why you don’t love yourself, but that’s not your fault.”

Louis gasps for breath as he remembers Lottie staring at him blankly when she finally came to visit him in the hospital, how she and Felicite ignored him for days until Fizzy crawled into the uncomfortable bed with him one night and cried on his shoulder, begging him to stay. The twins don’t really understand, they just know that Louis got hurt and had to go away for awhile, but he knows they can sense something's wrong.

And Lottie still just stares at him blankly whenever he sees her. Sometimes she’ll ask him how is he over text message, but other than that they don’t talk unless their mother forces them to. He gets it though, he would hate someone too if they hurt his mother and little sisters that badly. In fact the first words she spoke to him when she came to visit him in the hospital were, “Mum screamed when they called her.” It’s been nothing but pleasantries between them since then.

“Do you want to come home, Boo? It would just be the two of us and the babies for a bit, the girls have a long weekend so you’re dad’s gonna take them, and Dan’s visiting his sister.”

Louis thinks it over. “Just the two of us?” He asks carefully.

“And Molly, of course.” His mother teases.

He smiles. “Yeah, I’d really like that. I can take the train down-”

“I’ll drive you,” Zayn says, before Louis can try to convince them he’d be alright around that many people for that long. “Ask her if tomorrow morning would be alright.”

Louis leans over to kiss his cheek before relaying the news to his mother, who agrees and tells him she’ll see him in the morning. He thanks her a million times over and tells her how much he loves her, before hanging up and handing Zayn’s phone back to him.

“Thanks.”

Zayn just smiles and pulls Louis in for a hug. “I love you, Lou.”

Louis squeezes him back. “I love you too. I’m sorry I’m an asshole to you sometimes, you don’t deserve that. You try so hard to make me comfortable, but you deserve to live your own life Z. You shouldn’t have to babysit me, I’m sorry.”

“Hey, Lou listen to me,” Zayn says, pulling away so he can frown at his best friend. “I fucking love you. You are my best friend-no, you know what? Fuck that. You’re my _brother_. You won’t ever be a burden to me. I don’t care how long it takes you to feel better, I’m going to be here for you. I love you.”

Tears roll down Louis’ cheeks all over again, and he wipes at them quickly. “I’m fucking worthless. I don’t want to be here.”

Liam makes a broken noise in his throat, and Zayn winces away like he’s been struck. All Louis does is cause pain, with Zayn, with Liam, with his family. He should go. He really should just go.

“Why did I live. I don’t understand why I lived, what did I do wrong?” He murmurs, voicing the question that’s been prodding at his mind for almost a year.

Something in Liam snaps. “No,” he growls. “You don’t get to say that, Louis. You lived because you’re worth something, because you have so many fucking people who love you, because people need you here. You are so loved, do you get that? Do you even realize how special it is to have people who love you like this?”

When Louis turns around, he sees Liam’s eyes are red and he knows instantly that he’s thinking about his own family, about his father especially. They don’t deserve a single fucking thought from him, not one.

Louis leans into Liam’s side, nuzzling his nose against Liam’s neck and breathing in the scent of Zayn’s soap. “I love you so much. I need you here, I’m always going to need you.” He reminds the man.

Liam kisses Louis’ forehead and nods. “Let’s go to bed, you’ll be passed out soon.”

As soon as Louis nods, Liam is picking him up bridal style and carrying him to the bedroom. It surprises a laugh out of him, but he covers his mouth with his hand to stifle it. Zayn smiles and follows them slowly, shutting off lights and picking up empty pizza boxes as he goes. Louis rests his head against Liam’s chest, listening to his heart beat and letting his eyes drift closed.

They stay that way while Liam helps him dispose of his joggers and jumper, slipping him into the shirt Zayn’s been wearing all day. Louis wastes no time bundling himself up underneath the covers, pulling the collar of the shirt up so he can be completely enveloped in his boys.

Liam climbs in moments later, pulling Louis up against his chest. “Baby, promise me you won’t give up again. Please, I know it’s wrong of me to ask, but I couldn’t handle losing you. None of us could handle that.”

“I always keep my promises to you, don’t I?” Louis whispers, running a thumb along the scar on Liam’s arm.

Louis remembers his first day out of the hospital when they transferred him to another hospital, although that’s not what they called it that’s exactly what it was. They showed him to a room where a tall boy with a shaved head was waiting for him with a bright smile. Louis responded with a scowl.

He remembers the days that followed, how he tried to hide the fact that he was spitting out his meds, how he always failed because Liam caught him every time. Louis slowly warmed up to him though, especially after he woke up screaming from a nightmare two weeks into being there.

After the night nurse left, assured he was fine apparently, Liam quietly got up from his bed and slipped in next to Louis. “I like a cuddle after a nightmare,” he had explained, not looking at Louis but instead at the moon through the window that was painted shut. “Plus I know what time they come to check on us at night, so I can make sure they don’t find us. If you wanna.”

They were sort of inseparable after that. Liam made Louis cheesy paper hearts with safety scissors and a biro to keep under his mattress everyday, and Louis let Liam lay with his head in his lap when they watched telly until a nurse inevitably came and stopped them. Louis especially remembers that no one came to visit Liam, not even once, but how Liam made sure to come visit him every week when he got out two months before Louis did.

Louis remembers when Liam finally told him how he ended up there, how he had been cutting himself for years and had tried to kill himself by mixing his meds two years earlier, and after spending those two years trying to get better to no avail he decided to try again with what he knew he did best. Liam’s dark eyes sparkled with tears as he explained that his roommate found him after he passed out, how he almost died but his family never even came to visit him in hospital. Louis decided right then and there that Liam’s father was a massive fucking dick for making his family abandon Liam just for liking men.

Their first kiss came two months after Louis arrived in the middle of the night, right after the night nurse checked on them and Liam crawled back into bed with him.

“I love you.” Liam had whispered, and Louis remembers pressing their lips together and thinking to himself that he had never loved anyone this way, that he never would again.

“I know it’s sort of your thing, but I just want you to know I’m proud of you. You’re my hero.” Louis whispers.

“Lou, be your own hero,” is what Liam mumbles back. “Just look at yourself, all that you’ve accomplished. Look how far you’ve come since then and be proud of that.”

Louis says nothing back.

Zayn walks in seconds later, flipping the lights off and jumping into bed, sliding behind Louis. He wraps an arm around his best friend’s waist, and Louis just sighs to himself and smiles.

“I really love you guys.” He whispers, his eyes falling closed.

Zayn chuckles and pinches his side softly. “We really love you too, idiot. Goodnight.”

 

Harry has been staring at his ceiling for probably an hour now. There’s a water stain at the corner by the door, he’s noticed, and he wonders if it’s from the woman upstairs and her children. He then wonders if it would be okay to watch the entirety of Orange Is The New Black, even though Gemma made him promise not to until she comes to visit. After that, he wonders if Louis’s alright.

He does not think about the fact that the shoot he had today was canceled because of what he did to Greg Owens. He does not think about the fact that people now think he might be difficult to work with. He does not think about any of it.

A bubble bath seems like the only option at this point. When Harry gets up to go run the water, someone knocks on the door. He groans and abandons his idea of total relaxation and prepares to face the real world.

Finding Liam outside his door is a bit jarring to say the least, but Harry rolls with it.

“Hey, what’s up?” Harry asks, casually leaning against the door. The door then moves slightly and he not so casually falls on his ass.

Liam stares down at him. “Is this a habit of yours?” He asks, reaching a hand down for Harry to grab onto and pull himself up with.

“Louis told you?” Harry asks.

“Of course he did, he texted me right after it happened,” Liam laughs, and Harry’s heart sinks. “Said he almost tripped over some stupidly hot guy while trying to get to his new flat. Was a little worried you might’ve been crazy.”

Harry can’t help it, he grins. Stupidly hot. Louis thinks he’s stupidly hot.

“Where is Louis, anyway? He’s okay, isn’t he?” Ever since he and Niall left last night, Harry couldn’t stop thinking about the way Louis seemed so terrified and sad. The broken little sob Louis let out right before the door shut played on repeat in Harry’s head all night.

Liam’s smile drops and he sighs. “He’s…he’s okay, just a bad nightmare,” is what he stutters out, and Harry’s not sure he believes that was just a nightmare. “He’s visiting his mum right now, Zayn drove him this morning.”

It gets incredibly awkward right then because without Louis, Liam and Harry really don’t have anything to talk about. At least he thinks they don’t. He made a point of not getting to know Liam last night because his crush was kissing Liam and he was bitter, even though he swore he wasn’t. Still is bitter, if he’s being honest with himself.

“Anyway,” Liam says, breaking the silence. “Zayn and I were wondering if you and Niall were doing anything tonight. There’s this pub Zayn’s friend has been begging him to go to, but it’s going to be horribly dull and he says we’re his only hope for his brain not dissolving into mush.”

Despite himself, Harry laughs. He doesn’t want to, because even though Liam is really sweet and is obviously trying to get him on Louis’ good side, he’s still worried there’s a motive. Everyone in his life since he turned sixteen has had some sort of motive besides his sister and Niall. Even his mother ended up wanting something, but he doesn’t like to think about that.

“I’ll ask Niall, but I’m sure he’ll say yes. What time were you thinking about going?”

Liam’s smile grows, which Harry wasn’t sure was possible. He looks like a puppy, or maybe a child on Christmas. “Probably around ten, I think? Zayn has your number, so he’ll text you when he’s sure.”

Harry nods. “Alright, I’ll let Niall know. Tell Louis that I hope he feels better.”

At this point, Liam looks a bit like the Joker. His cheeks might just split if he keeps grinning like that. “Here, let me see your phone and you can text him yourself.”

“Are you sure he’d be okay with that?” Harry asks, but he walks over to his couch and gets his phone anyway. It’s not like he’s going to say no to having Louis’ number.

Liam rolls his eyes and takes the phone, making a new contact and typing Louis’ information in. He stares at it for a second, before adding something else and handing it back. “Trust me, he’ll be okay with it. Just tell him I gave you the number, he’ll take out any fake anger on me.”

Harry frowns, but nods anyway. “Thanks. I’ll see you later then?”

Liam nods and he’s grinning again, christ. Someone better stop this guy before he explodes. “Later. Have a good day, Harry!”

It’s definitely time for that bubble bath, Harry decides.

A half hour or so later, his entire flat smells like strawberries, the floor of his bathroom is sopping wet, and he’s thinking about maybe drowning himself in these bubbles. The bubbles don’t judge him. The bubbles don’t want money or think that he’s ruining his life. The bubbles don’t think he’s trouble. The bubbles don’t kiss their not-boyfriends and then look at him with sweet eyes. The bubbles are his only friends.

Harry belongs here with the bubbles.

The sound of his phone skidding across the top of the sink makes him jump, causing even more water to slosh out onto the floor. At this rate he and his downstairs neighbor will have matching water stains. Sighing, he sits up enough to dry a hand on his towel and reach for the phone.

Gemma’s drunken and cross-eyed face greets him and he smiles.

“Hey, Gems.”

“We share a Netflix account you know, you fucking asshole.” She growls to him.

Harry tilts his head back and laughs. “I don’t think it counts as sharing if you just stole my password and started using it so you didn’t have to pay.”

Gemma lets out a very long, very exaggerated sigh. “Listen Harry, I changed your diapers-”

“You did not change a single diaper, Gemma, you were barely four when I was born.” Harry chuckles, laying his head back against the pillow Niall bought him for his birthday last year. It suctions to the back of the tub and Harry loves Niall with all of his heart.

“That isn’t the point,” she yells. “You promised you wouldn’t watch it without me!”

Harry rolls his eyes. Leave it to Gemma to get angry about a stupid show. “It wasn’t me, it was probably Niall. He’s at a shoot all day and he has the attention span of a goldfish. He actually stole my account information before even you did, you’re both assholes.”

Gemma laughs. “We’re the only assholes you’ve got, deal with it Styles.”

“Was there an actual reason you interrupted my bubble bath?” He sighs. Everyone knows not to interrupt him during his bubble bath, it’s just common courtesy. A man needs to relax now and then.

When she goes quiet, Harry considers drowning himself again. He knows what she actually called for now.

“I’m not sending her money. I know that’s what she wants.” Harry practically growls.

“Harry, she’s changed. She’s really trying.” Gemma says, her voice quiet like she’s trying to calm him down before he even really gets angry.

All Harry can see are the track marks on his mother’s arms, the way she clung to him the last time he visited, and waking up in the morning to find his wallet empty and her gone. It wasn’t like it was new, his mother stealing money for drugs, but that was a lot different than her shaking coins from his piggy bank when he was a child.

The thing that hurt the most was that Harry made that money for her, He was going to use it to make sure she was taken care of, and she took it and used it for the exact thing he was trying to save her from.

In short, he doesn’t trust his mother and he never will again, and Niall’s words keep passing through his mind; _Not everyone can be fixed. Not everyone wants to be fixed._

His mother can’t be fixed and Harry is done trying.

“She’s in rehab,” Gemma blurts out. “I paid for it. She’s been there for two months now and I can see her getting better, Harry. She said she tried to call-”

“You’re wasting your money,” Harry spits. “She’s just pretending, she’ll be right back on it as soon as she’s out. Do you not remember being kids at all, Gems? She’d do this shit constantly. One minute she’s a sober, loving mother, the next she’s using the money she’s supposed to buy food with to shoot up.”

He wonders if Gemma really has forgotten, because he hasn’t. Harry could never forget having to call Gemma’s best friend in the middle of the night to come get them because their mother was high again and having sex quite loudly in the kitchen to the tune of their growling stomachs.

“She’s gone through the worst of the withdrawals already, if she was going to leave it would have been then.” Gemma sounds so hopeful about it that Harry could almost puke. She’s always been this way about their mother, and he was too before he realized his mother simply wasn’t there anymore. The heroin and the cocaine took his mother when he was ten and replaced her with a monster who tried to convince him that drugs were the solution to all of life’s problems. His mother died nine years ago, as far as Harry’s concerned, and he sadly likes that thought better than trying to process the person she’s become.

“I tried to help her Gems,” Harry says, hating how sad he sounds. “She’s my fucking mum, don’t you think I love her? Don’t you think I wish it was different, that I could find a way to fix it for her? I fucking tried, and you can only try so hard before you’re just throwing money at a problem that can’t be fixed.”

He isn’t crying. He absolutely isn’t crying about that woman.

Gemma shushes him gently though, because she knows the truth, she always has. “Harry, love, I know. I know that it seems hopeless, and I know that she absolutely doesn’t deserve this many chances from us but…it’s like you just said. She’s our fucking mum, Haz, and no one else cares what happens to her but us. If we don’t help, she’s going to die.”

A dam breaks in him and he sobs. He sobs for the mother he lost, for the years he watched her waste away to nothing before his eyes. He cries for his mum, because that’s all he wants. All he wants is a smile, a cup of tea, and a cuddle from his mum like he used to get when he was a child. Harry took advantage of that, he knows that now. Had he known that he was going to lose that person just years later, Harry would have savored every hug, every kiss goodnight, every I love you, so much more.

“I don’t want her to die Gems, that isn’t what I want but…” Harry trails off, choking on the words that almost came out of his mouth. _It would be easier than this._

He’s a horrible son.

“I’m not going to force you to see her,” Gemma whispers, her voice soothing. “I just want you to know that she loves you, Harry, she asks after you every time I call or visit her. If you ever do want to see her I’ll take you, but she understands that you don’t. She knows what she did to us, and she understands why you’re still upset.”

Harry nods and turns in the soapy water, resting his cheek against the cool lip of the tub. “Tell her I love her, yeah?” he whispers. “Tell her…tell her I want her to get better, and I love her so much.”

“Harry-”

“Please, Gems.” His voice cracks and he just wants to be done. He wants to crawl into bed and sleep this off, pretend it was all just a bad dream. That’s how he deals with most of his childhood, and he knows it isn’t healthy, but it’s better than drugs.

“Okay. I promise I’ll tell her, okay? She’ll be really happy to hear it.”

Harry nods and brings his hand out of the water to wipe at his eyes. “I have to go, Niall will be here soon demanding tea. I’ll have to order pizza and make some sort of cake, knowing him.”

Gemma laughs, but its forced. She’s upset, Harry knows she wants him to call their mum or visit, but he won’t do that, not even for his sister. “Alright. I’ll call you later this week and we can catch up, okay? I love you Harry.”

“Love you too Gems.” Harry hangs up and sighs. Everything is terrible, he decides, everything is just terrible.

After he gives up on his bath and pulls himself up out of the tub so he can ignore the world and lie in bed all day, Harry unlocks his phone once more. He scrolls through his contacts and smiles when he sees Louis’ name, followed by multiple hearts. That Liam kid is a shit, he decides, but Harry could learn to like him.

_Hey Louis, it’s Harry. Liam gave me your number. I just wanted to say I hope you’re feeling better. When you get home I’ll bake you anything you like .xx_

Harry sends the text and falls asleep smiling.

 

When Louis arrives at his mum’s, he kisses her on the cheek and disappears upstairs to sleep in her bed. His old room had been taken over by Lottie almost as soon as he left, but now that the twins are here she’s been forced to share with Felicite again. When he stayed here for two months after being released, he slept on the pullout couch, even though his mother offered him Lottie’s bed. Louis didn’t want to give his sister anymore reason to hate him.

Louis wakes up hours later to the sounds of the babies laughing and Peppa Pig on the television. He had hoped to be done with that show forever, but the twins seem to love it. Louis groans but picks himself up out of bed anyway, knowing his mother won’t let him stay there all day.

One of his siblings screeches when he comes into the living room, and Louis can’t help but grin because they’re so goddamn cute. Ernie is currently pulling on Molly’s fur, who is somehow still sleeping soundly, while Doris tries to pull herself up using the coffee table.

“Look at you,” Louis coos, rushing over to slip a finger into each of Doris’ tiny fists. “You’re a genius, darling, standing already.”

Jay laughs from the couch, shaking her head at her son. “That’s normal Louis.”

“No, she’s a genius,” Louis declares, picking his sister up and tickling her tummy until she laughs. “Smartest child on earth, just like your brothers huh?”

Doris agrees by slapping him in the face with her fist.

Louis lets her down and watches her stumble over to Ernest on her little legs, falling after three steps and crawling the rest of the way. He smiles softly, tiredly, and takes a seat next to his mum on the couch.

“So,” his mother starts, and that’s never a good sign. “Liam and Zayn have been telling me about this boy.”

Louis groans. “Mum, don’t you think it’s a bit fucked that you text my best friends more than me?”

“Don’t swear in front of the twins,” she scolds, even though Louis’ been hearing that since he was a teenager and it obviously hasn’t worked. “Besides, you don’t text anyone back, not even your poor mother.”

He laughs at that, shaking his head at her woe is me tone. “Jesus, Mum,” he sighs. “I’m sorry I don’t text you, but I would if this boy was important.”

“Bullshit.”

“Don’t swear in front of the twins.”

Jay flicks him on the side of the head and rolls her eyes. “I know you like him, this Harry they’ve told me about. You don’t talk to people Louis, you just don’t, but you talk to this boy. Zayn’s told me he comes over sometimes just for dinner, just the two of you.”

“It’s only happened a few times,” Louis mutters, refusing to meet his mum’s knowing gaze. “He’s a stupid kid, he wears scarves and man buns for godssake. He doesn’t understand anything about life and that isn’t the sort of person I’m going to waste time on.”

“You were a stupid kid once too,” she points out. “We can dig the old computer out if you’d like, take a walk down memory lane.”

Louis finally does look at her, only so he can fix her with a withering glare. She laughs and pats his hand. “You’re scarring me. I’m telling my therapist.” He warns her. Jay only laughs harder.

It’s when they’re eating dinner, and Louis is considering moving back in just for the food, when the front door opens. “Mum, I hate him!” The door slams and Louis wants to disappear.

Lottie storms into the kitchen, ready to go off about how unfair their father is, when she spots Louis. The spoonful of applesauce he was about to feed to Ernie stills midair, and the two siblings simply stare at each other.

“I didn’t know you’d be coming.” Lottie says carefully.

Ernie devours the applesauce, and then takes the spoon and starts flinging it into his hair. “It was sort of last minute.” Louis says back, just as carefully. Careful, careful, careful, that’s all they are to each other these days.

Louis misses joking with her, misses shopping and scouting for hot guys with her. Hell, at this point he even misses fighting with her. Just something other than asking how school is going and sitting in awkward silence would be nice.

They don’t say anything else to each other, just sit beside one another while Lottie and their mother talk about how no, she isn’t always going to hate her father and no, she can’t just move out right now. Louis stays quiet and eats his dinner.

It isn’t until later when they’re alone, Jay and the babies having gone to bed about ten minutes ago, that Lottie clears her throat and says, “How…how are you feeling?”

Louis stills. She’s never asked him that before, not even once this past year. “I’m doing better,” he tells her, terrified of fucking this up. “Just a bit of a panic attack last night, I needed to come home.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling better.” She says.

Silence.

Louis can’t take it anymore.

“Do you hate me?” He blurts out.

Lottie looks at him, her eyes wide and sparkling with unshed tears. “No. Of course I don’t hate you.” She whispers.

“Then why are you doing this,” Louis asks, his voice breaking. “Why are you being so cold to me? Lottie, I love you, I can’t live like this. I want to go back to how we were before.”

Lottie sets her jaw and Louis knows that face because he’s seen it on his mother. She’s pissed. “Before?” she asks coldly. “Before what, exactly? Before you tried to kill yourself? Before you decided that we weren’t fucking worth sticking around for, that your family obviously didn’t fucking matter to you?”

Louis scoffs. “It isn’t that simple. I wasn’t thinking about you guys-”

“Obviously you weren’t!” Lottie shouts at him. “Do you even understand what that would have done to Mum, to the girls? Mum could’ve lost the babies for one, I know she could’ve because I went with her to the doctor's office a week later and they warned her about the stress. And the girls were crushed, Louis, the twins didn’t understand a fucking thing and Fizzy had nightmares for weeks. She thought it was her fault, she thought you didn’t know how much she loved you, and that maybe if you had you wouldn’t have done it.”

Louis knows this, he knows how much he screwed up, how much he could’ve messed up his sisters and his mother. He doesn’t even want to think about his mother losing the twins, he doesn’t want to think what would have happened to them all if they weren’t here.

“I’m selfish, don’t you think I know that Lottie?” he says, still calm somehow. “But you don’t understand. When you get like that, nothing else matters. When you get that low you convince yourself that everyone would be better off without you.”

“But no one would be better off without you!” she cries out. “None of us can even function without you, Louis, we rely on you so much. You’re my big brother and I need you, I need you to be there for me because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I need you so bad Louis, you can’t leave us. You can’t leave me. Please don’t leave, Louis please-” Lottie cuts off, dissolving into sobs that wrack her whole body.

Louis scoops her up and tugs her close to his chest. He hasn’t seen her actually cry since their parents got divorced, but even that wasn’t as bad as this. Lottie grabs his shoulders, nails digging into his skin, and keeps him as close as she can.

“I need my big brother, I can’t do this on my own. I can’t take care of everyone like you can. Daisy and Phoebe were constantly coming to me, asking me what was going on with you, asking how you got hurt. I didn’t know what to tell them, and Mum wasn’t even…she wasn’t functioning Louis, all she did was watch over you and cry.”

Louis remembers that, is the worst part. He remembers Dan trying to coax his mother to come home, telling her she had to eat for the babies, she had to sleep for the babies. Worst of all, he remembers pretending to be asleep and hearing her whisper back, “I don’t want the babies anymore. If I can’t protect him, I won’t be able to protect them. Mark can take the girls, but I don’t want these babies anymore. They deserve better than this.”

Nothing will ever hurt Louis more than hearing those words come out of his mother’s mouth.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers to Lottie, voice thick with tears. “Fuck, Lots I’m so sorry.”

The two of them sit on the couch like that for awhile, Louis trying to comfort his baby sister while she cries and tells him how sorry she is for ignoring him. She didn’t know what to do, she tells him, she was still so angry and so sad and their mother had warned her to be careful around him.

“Do you forgive me?” Louis asks softly.

Lottie looks up at him and smiles. “Only if you show me this boy I’ve been hearing about.”

At that, Louis throws his hands in the air and officially gives up. “Great, so you’re texting Zayn too then?”

“He’s my only in with you,” she says, sitting up finally. “I had to make sure you were actually okay, couldn’t rely on you to tell me when Mum made us talk.”

Louis rolls his eyes. He and Zayn are going to have a serious talk when he gets home. “Just google him, he’s a model or something. Harry Styles. Stupid name for a stupid boy.”

In an instant, Lottie’s pulling out her phone and googling Harry’s name. She makes an appreciative noise in her throat and picks a picture of Harry next to a motorcycle, looking proper dirty and manly, but he still has a scarf weaved into his curls.

“Insufferable.” Louis declares.

“Fucking gorgeous.” Lottie decides.

He laughs. “Stop swearing, Mum’s going to have a fit if she hears you.”

Lottie simply knocks their shoulders together and giggles. It’s so lovely to have her back, Louis decides, and he has one more person to keep his promise to.

Before he goes to sleep that night, he checks his phone. There’s some texts from Liam, just asking how he is, a picture from Zayn of him, Liam, Niall and Harry at a pub, and finally a text from a number he doesn’t know.

It’s Harry. It’s Harry asking him how he feels and promising him baked goods like some sort of grandmother when you have a cold. He’s a bit surprised there isn’t an offer of chicken noodle soup in there too.

 _I’m going to kill you_ Louis texts to Liam, and then he stares down at Harry’s message before finally thinking of a reply.

_I’m feeling better thanks Harry. I’ll take you up on that offer when I get back._

Seconds later, Harry replies with a series of hearts, the winking with the tongue out face, and a banana emoji. Louis definitely doesn’t fall asleep smiling.

 

Harry spends what’s left of his weekend looking for a real job. He walks around their neighborhood, smiling the most charming smile he has, and asking just about everyone if they’re hiring. Eventually, he ends up in a bookstore, mainly for the cafe he spots from outside. Before he can even buy a drink or accost someone for a job, a little table of mismatched books catches his eye. They’re piled up without a care, like they’ve just been thrown there, and Harry steps forward to pick through them quietly.

“You should read that one,” a voice says.

Harry turns his head and smiles at the older woman there who’s holding another set of books to put down. “ _Fireproof_?” He asks, holding up the book he was looking at. “Is it any good?”

The woman nods. “Oh yes,” she says, very seriously. “It’s beautiful. It’s about a man who loses everything and goes back to his childhood home to try to find himself again.”

Harry frowns skeptically. “It sounds sort of cliche,” he admits.

“I thought so too, but it was wonderful, and the ending just about killed me,” she laughs softly. “You should read it, or at least borrow it and let me know how you like it.”

“Borrow it?” Harry chuckles. “I can’t borrow it, this isn’t a library.”

The woman grins. “Borrow it, and if you don’t like it you can buy something else.”

Harry laughs and shakes his head. “Fine,” he agrees. “I’ll borrow it, but I’m going to at least pay you in advance.”

She rolls her eyes and leads him to the register where he pays for the book and looks around a bit. It’s cozy in here, warm and quiet with thousands of books covering the walls, stacked on shelves, some just piled beside the worn looking armchairs. For some reason, he starts to imagine Louis here, curled up in a chair with his fringe drifting over his eyes, nose stuck in a book.

Which might’ve been what prompted him to ask, “Are you hiring, by any chance?”

 

One of the babies is wailing their little heads off, which jolts Louis from sleep. For a moment he’s a kid again, pissed at his mum for not waking up fast enough when she knows he has school in the morning. It takes him a moment to realize where he’s at, and then he’s slowly pulling himself up from the couch and walking up the steps.

Doris is the one crying, little face red, tiny fists shaking around like she’s condemning the world. Louis grins and scoops her up.

“What’s the matter, darling,” he coos, swaying and bouncing side to side on instinct. “That’s quite a big scream for such a tiny thing.”

She stops screaming long enough to stare at Louis, eyes wide with tears, little bottom lip trembling. He smiles and bops her on the nose. Doris smiles and reaches for his finger, trapping it in her small hand.

After checking if Doris needs to be changed, which she does actually, and trying to feed her, Louis settles into the rocking chair in the corner of the nursery and holds her close. Maybe that’s all she wants really, just someone to hold her close for awhile. He definitely understands that.

While they rock back and forth slowly, Louis studies his youngest sister and she studies him back. When he looks into her bright blue eyes and feels her fingers squeezing his own tightly, he almost starts to cry. This was what he almost missed out on. Doris and Ernest would have never known him, and he never would’ve known them. For a moment, one fleeting moment, he wonders if they’d have been better off that way.

“I’ll try for you too,” he whispers to her, pressing his lips to her forehead and breathing in the scent of baby lotion and shampoo. “I’ll be here for you, just like I am for them, whenever you need me. I won’t let anyone or anything hurt you, I promise, just as long as you promise me to always stay this sweet.”

When he pulls away, Doris is sleeping. Her whole body has gone lax save for her left hand, which is still holding onto Louis with a vice grip. He smiles.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he murmurs. “I promise.”

 

When Louis gets home it’s late Monday morning, and Harry knows it’s Louis because he can hear Molly yowling outside his door. Smiling, he tucks a stray curl into his bun and pulls the door open. Louis is frowning at Molly in his arms while Zayn unlocks the door to their flat.

“Louis!” Harry exclaims. “And Miss Molly, I missed you.”

Zayn laughs, while Louis sort of smiles. Harry ignores them both and goes for Molly, kissing her between the eyes and scratching behind her ears.

“Where are you off to, then?” Zayn asks.

Shrugging, Harry pulls away from Molly. “Thought I’d grab breakfast before I head to my shoot.” He’s close with the photographer for this shoot, Nick, and he knows that his friend wouldn’t hold anything against him. That’s probably why this job hasn’t been canceled like all his other ones.

“You should take Louis with you,” Zayn says nonchalantly. “He hasn’t eaten yet today.”

Louis’ head snaps up and he glares over at his best friend. “I’m not hungry.” He practically growls.

“Mate, you just told me that if I didn’t feed you soon you’d wither away to nothing. Which is hard to believe with that arse.” Zayn crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow, while Louis’ glare turns absolutely deadly.

“You’re just pissed because you’re flat as a fucking board Malik, don’t take it out on me.”

Harry bursts out into laughter.

Both of them turn to look at him, but Harry just shakes his head, wiping underneath his eyes. “No, ignore me. You just act like an old married couple, that’s all, it’s funny.”

“Like I’d ever marry this prat.” Louis mutters, shooting Zayn an angry glance.

Zayn rolls his eyes and takes Molly from Louis’ arms. “You’re going with him because not even Liam could stop me from killing you at this point,” he says. “Go, or else I’m calling Jay and forcing her to take you back.”

“Zayn!” Louis shrieks, but Zayn’s already gone. The door of their flat shuts, and Harry has to stifle another loud laugh.

“It’s totally fine, come with me. I’ll buy.” Harry says, trying to keep his hope hidden. It isn’t a date, it’s not even close to a date, but Harry has been sending Louis _good morning_ and _sleep tight lou x_ texts for two days and has gotten a reply every time. So that can’t be bad, right?

Progress, that’s what it is. Progress.

Louis sighs and shrugs. “Fine, I guess. Fuck Zayn, honestly, I don’t even have a jacket,” He crosses his bare arms over each other and frowns. “Maybe Li would let me back in.”

“You can borrow something of mine, if you want.” Harry blurts out. He considers burying himself deep in a hole when Louis raises his eyebrows and gives him a once over. He’s probably going to burn up if he keeps blushing like this.

“You’re a yeti,” Louis mutters. “Nothing of yours would fit me.”

Harry chuckles and shakes his head. “Come on, I’ll find something you won’t drown in.” He says, walking back into his flat without even waiting for Louis to follow. He does though, and soon they’re in Harry’s room and Louis is looking around anxiously.

When Harry comes out of his closet with a green coat, Louis takes it immediately. He smiles at it, before slipping it on and shoving his hands in his pockets. Harry sort of wants to kiss him, and by _sort of_ he means he absolutely wants to kiss him.

“That’ll do, yeti,” Louis says, thumbing at the fleece lining of the jacket. When Harry simply continues to stare at him, he clears his throat. “I believe I was promised breakfast.”

Harry smiles and leads Louis out.

“The photographer I’m with today, Nick’s his name, he always sends a car,” Harry explains when they walk out of the building. “He doesn’t trust me to make it there without tripping and ruining my face, he says.”

Louis makes a sound that could be a laugh. Harry hopes its a laugh. “I don’t blame him. I’ve seen you trip over air, Harry Styles. I’m a bit worried for your safety if I’m to be honest.”

It’s raining outside but Louis is smiling so brilliantly that Harry hardly notices.

When they get in the car, Harry stops the driver before he can pull out onto the street. He turns to Louis and smiles. “My shoot’s across town, so we can get breakfast around here or we can get it there and I can pay him to drive you back.”

Louis seems to think it over. He glances outside, down to his hands, to Harry, and then back outside. “I mean, I could just hang out with you, couldn’t I? Or would they be mad?” He bites at his lip and Harry can practically see the raindrops reflecting in his pretty eyes.

“No that’s…I’m going to be there probably all day, Louis,” Harry warns him. “You might get bored.”

“That’s okay.” Louis says.

Harry grins and tells the driver it’s okay to go. As soon as they start moving, Louis relaxes against the seat and stuffs his hands back into his pockets. It’s absolutely unfair how cute he looks like this, in Harry’s clothes, going to work with him as well. Harry would be okay with this becoming a regular thing, and fuck that’s a scary thought.

“So, you went to your mum’s?” Harry asks, just to break the silence.

Louis nods, letting their eyes meet for a minute before they flicker down to his hands. “Yeah, I wasn’t feeling too well and I missed her. You know how it is, right?”

Instead of listening to his instinct, which is telling him to spill everything because in his mind he can trust Louis, Harry pastes on a smile and nods back. “Yeah,” he sighs. “Yeah, I know exactly how that is.”

The two stay silent for the rest of the ride, which takes a little over a half hour in traffic. Harry spends most of his time trying to discreetly stare at Louis, and frantically texting Niall about it. Niall of course thinks it’s absolutely hilarious, because Niall is a complete ass.

_is he lookin out the window all sad and shit like a music video haha_

Harry frowns at the latest text and is about to respond, when the car slows to a stop. He snaps his head up and grins at the sight of the warehouse where Nick keeps his studio. “We’re here!” He announces, and without really thinking about it, he grabs Louis’ hand and tugs him out of the car.

It isn’t until they’re standing outside on the sidewalk that Harry realizes he hasn’t let go yet. Louis doesn’t seem to notice though, he’s too busy looking around the block and frowning.

“I used to live down here.” He blurts out.

Harry frowns. “Seriously?”

Louis nods, and then points further down the block. “Had a boyfriend, lived way down this street. I remember it mostly because I had to learn to navigate my way around here drunk.” He smiles wistfully.

“That’s really cool, Lou. I’d like to live down here someday, it’s very artsy.”

“Hipster, more like.” Louis says.

Harry pretends to act hurt about it, but Louis just smiles and gently pulls his hand away. Going red, Harry coughs awkwardly and checks the time, trying not to seem like he actually forgot he was holding Louis’ hand because it felt so right.

“Alright, so we can either find somewhere around here or just head up, it’ll be catered.”

Louis laughs, shaking his head. “It’s catered, christ,” he mutters. “I need your job, mate.”

They head into the building and Harry leads them upstairs to the third floor, where Nick is waiting. Nicks’ poor assistant is buzzing around holding suits, fluffing out a dress that’s already on the other model Harry’s working with, doing something to the white background that’s up against a wall, and then there’s his favorite makeup artist in the entire world cleaning her brushes while her daughter runs around laughing.

“Louise!” Harry shouts across the room.

Lou raises her head and promptly rolls her eyes. “Harry Styles,” she sighs. “Are you here to pour beer on us all?”

Harry’s smile falters and Louis frowns at him, but they’re all interrupted by a large crash. Just as Harry suspected, Nick comes walking in from the bathroom smiling.

“I found it!” He announces brandishing a pencil that Harry is pretty sure is eyeliner.

Lou makes an excited noise and grabs the pencil from him. “Thank you love, you’re a lifesaver.”

“Don’t stroke his ego.” Harry mutters, leading Louis over to a table that’s covered in food.

“I’ve got something else you can stroke, Styles,” Nick laughs. “Who’ve you brought, then?”

Louis looks nervous, but doesn’t completely shutdown like he has in the past. He still doesn’t say anything though, instead grabbing a plate and filling it with food. Harry smiles.

“This is Louis, my neighbor. He moved in a few weeks ago.”

Nick sends Harry a knowing look, but goes for Louis anyway. He smiles at the boy, towering over him. “Hey, I’m Nick…wait, do I know you?”

Louis looks at him, frowns, and then blanches. “Greg.” He says.

And apparently that means something because Nick’s eyes light up. He laughs loudly and claps Louis on the back, making him stumble forward a bit. “No fucking way. Where the hell did you run off to, mate? No one’s heard from you in months.”

“A year.” Louis mutters, and he offers up no other information.

Nick smiles. “You properly fucked him up, you know. Still says he was in love with you, mopes about it when he gets drunk.”

Louis rolls his eyes, but Harry can see a smile pulling at his lips. “How terrible. Poor dear, send him my love.”

Nick laughs so hard it looks like he’s gonna keel over. “Greg’s gonna kill me.”

“Wait, who’s Greg?” Harry asks feeling incredibly stupid for not understanding what’s going on.

“You’ve met Greg, love,” Nick says, waving his hand at Harry. “He’s an illustrator, we met in uni. Your darling Louis here dated him for a few months and broke the poor lad’s heart.”

Louis rolls his eyes. “Hardly,” he mutters. “We both knew what was going on, Greg’s just too sweet and stupid to admit it.”

And fuck, what is Louis saying? Harry stares at him, the way he seems to have complete shutdown like normal, but now he’s cold. He’s cold and mean and Harry really doesn’t like it. He sort of frowns and shuffles his feet.

“Nick which uh-which suit should I put on first?” He asks quietly.

Nick looks away from where he and Louis are laughing at someone’s misfortune, and grins. “Right, yeah. Come on then.”

Louis smiles softly at Nick and goes back to picking out fruit and nibbling on them. Harry leaves him there and doesn’t see him again until ten minutes later when he’s sat in Lou’s chair being attacked with freshly washed brushes.

“Who’s this boy you’ve brought with you?” Lou asks, eyes straying over to where Louis is sat next to a window with Lux in his lap. He bops her on the nose and she bursts into a fit of giggles. Louis’ face goes soft and he tickles her on the stomach, grinning when Lux laughs even harder.

Harry smiles. “I hardly think you let your daughter go with him without at least knowing his name.”

Lou rolls her eyes. “I don’t want to know his name, you idiot, I want to know who he is.”

“My neighbor.” Harry says, and Lou stabs him in the eye with her brush.

“You’re a shit, Harry Styles.”

Instead of answering her, Harry glances back over to see Louis and Lux playing what looks to be an exciting game of patty-cake. He stops at one point to pretend to gnaw on her tiny fingers, which delights Lux to no end.

It gets to the point where Harry can’t keep his eyes of Louis. He’s supposed to be looking like he’s about to do terrible things to the other model, but he keeps smiling because Louis is talking to Lou in the corner of the room and bouncing Lux on his hip.

“Styles, focus.” Nick calls.

Harry tries, he really does, but then Louis is talking to Lux very seriously about her doll, and he’s grinning again.

The other model-Harry is pretty sure her name is Lindsey, but he’s only ever met her once before-huffs loudly and pulls away. She looks at Nick and raises her eyebrows. “Well, are we going to get anything done today? Maybe I should just leave-”

“No, I’m sorry,” Harry says quickly, because the last thing he needs right now is another reason why people shouldn’t hire him. “I can do it, I’m sorry.”

Nick rolls his eyes and turns around. “Hey, Louis come here.”

Louis looks up and frowns, but walks over anyway. He’s still holding Lux, who’s telling him about how her mother won’t let her cut her own hair, and listening intently to every word.

“Just stand over here.” Nick instructs, moving Louis so he’s where Harry’s supposed to be looking.

“What am I doing here?” He asks, looking at Harry for some sort of answer.

Lindsey sighs and goes back to dangling off Harry so her dress fans out across the ground. Harry looks where Nick has put Louis, and it works apparently, because the camera snaps a few times and Nick’s assistant is rushing in to help maneuver the large dress around. Nick continues to move Louis around so Harry will look where he’s supposed to, but Louis eventually gives up and ends up just sitting on the ground, waiting for Lux to bring him a doll.

“He is cute.” Lindsey whispers about an hour or so later while Harry watches Louis make his doll strut across the floor.

Harry grins.

By the end of the day Nick seems pleased with the outcome, Lux and Louis have made an absolute mess of the studio, and Harry is exhausted. Standing there for hours on end with only small breaks in between takes a lot out of him, and he’s hungry, and he wants to go home and have a cuddle with Niall. Or maybe Louis.

Harry is in his final outfit, a casual blazer and white shirt that are probably worth more than an entire year of rent for his flat. He’s sleepy and he feels like he might fall over, but then Louis is chasing Lux across the room and suddenly Louis is ramming into him. Harry catches him around the waist and stumbles back, but miraculously doesn’t fall.

“Sorry.” Louis says, and then he’s off again.

When he looks up, Nick is grinning. “We’re done, come see.”

Harry frowns because he usually doesn’t look at his own pictures, hates it actually, but walks over anyway to see what Nick’s on about. He clicks around on the screen for a bit before coming up with a photo that brings a smile to Harry’s lips.

Louis is staring up at him, lips parted, eyes wide in surprise, and Harry is smiling down at him with his arms securely around the man’s waist.

“I’ll email it to you.” Nick says and Harry doesn’t argue.

Harry waits while Louis says a lengthy goodbye, promising Lux she’ll see him again, and smiling when she jumps up and wraps her little arms around his neck. Harry smiles as well and notices that Lou is watching him with a knowing look. He flips her off and immediately hides it when Louis approaches him, pulling Harry’s coat on as he walks.

“I’m exhausted.” He whispers.

Without really thinking about it, Harry wraps an arm around Louis’ shoulders. Louis stiffens and looks up at Harry. He instantly goes to move his arm, but Louis leans into him instead. “Let’s go home. Are you hungry?” Harry waves one last time to Nick and Lou, before steering Louis out of the studio.

Louis shakes his head. “No, I’m fine.”

Harry knows he hasn’t eaten anything since they first got there when he picked at his plate, but he doesn’t say anything. Louis knows what he’s doing, or Harry thinks he does at least. The two of them make their way down to where a car is waiting at the front of the building, and when Harry opens the door for Louis he shakes his head and smiles.

“Perfect gentleman.” Louis mutters. He really does look exhausted, Harry notices, even his eyes are duller.

When Harry shuts the door and tells the driver where they’re going, they take off. Louis curls up in the corner by the door, eyes falling closed for moments at a time before he wakes himself up by blinking.

“Hey,” Harry whispers, his heart pounding when he realizes what he’s about to do. Louis looks over at him, eyes still tired and dull. “C’mere, you’ll hurt your neck like that.”

Louis sort of frowns but scoots closer anyway. Harry wraps an arm around his waist and gives a tug, and then Louis is leaning against his chest. He stiffens for a moment, and then relaxes in Harry’s grip.

“Is this okay?” Harry whispers.

Louis nods and closes his eyes. “Thanks.” He whispers.

“Hey, Lou?”

“Mmm.”

Harry bites his lip. “Did you always act like that? I mean, around your friends…before.” He doesn’t know what he means by before, all he knows is that person he saw talking to Nick was not the same person falling asleep against him after a day spent socializing.

Louis shrugs. “I wasn’t a nice person, Harry. I was really mean and angry with the world and I just…I treated people like shit, even more than I do now.”

“Hey,” Harry admonishes. “You don’t treat people like shit.”

The boy sighs and shakes his head. “I’m not…I don’t know how to treat people anymore, but I know I do it wrong.”

Harry pulls Louis closer and dips his head down to press his lips to the top of Louis’ head. “You don’t, Lou, you just take some time to warm up to people, and that’s fine. Besides, it’s not all people. You and Lux hit it off.”

Louis turns and presses his nose to Harry’s jumper, shaking with laughter. “She’s a baby. I love babies.”

Harry smiles. “Yeah? I do too.”

“I’ve got five little sisters and a little brother,” Louis yawns. “Should be tired of them, I suppose, but they’re just so innocent and sweet, the smallest ones I mean. Nothing’s hurt them yet.”

Harry pauses, his hand stilling in Louis’ soft hair. “I don’t think we can stop anyone from getting hurt, Lou, it’s just part of life.”

“But some of us get hurt more than others and that isn’t fair.” Louis whispers.

“It isn’t,” Harry agrees. “It really isn’t, Lou. I’m sorry.”

Louis nods. “I’m sorry too.”

“For what?”

“Well, you’ve been hurt too,” Louis says, like its obvious, and Harry just sort of sits there stunned. “You get really sad sometimes, I’ve seen it, and I’m sorry. No one as sweet as you should be sad inside, Harry.”

Harry scratches at Louis’ scalp and sighs. “It’s just…it’s family stuff.”

“You don’t have to tell me, it’s okay,” Louis murmurs. “I’ll be here if you ever wanna talk about it, that’s all.”

“Same goes, you know.”

Louis chuckles softly and shakes his head. “I’m not gonna do that to you. You’ve seen Zayn and Liam, they know and they’re miserable.”

“They aren’t miserable,” Harry whispers. “They’re concerned sometimes, but they love you.”

Louis makes a noise of acknowledgment, and promptly falls asleep. Harry smiles and continues carding his fingers through Louis’ hair the whole drive home, all the while trying not to think about how right it feels.

 

 **(Harry 9:03 AM)** Good morning Lou, hope you slept alright. I had fun yesterday, thanks for coming with me :) .xx

 **(Louis 2:17 PM)** Morning, I slept fine thanks. I had fun too thanks for inviting me

 **(Harry 2:17 PM)** No problem. Wanna come over? Ni’s bought some new game and I’m teeeeerrrrible at it :(

 **(Louis 2:26 PM)** Yeah, I’ll bring the boys. Prepare for defeat Styles.

 **(Harry 2:27 PM)** :) xxxxxx.

 

Louis wakes up one morning to Zayn gently shaking his shoulder. He groans and rolls over onto his side, fixing his best glare on his friend.

“What?”

“Charming as ever,” Zayn laughs, mussing up Louis’ hair. “Time to get up, yeah? Harry’s here asking for you.”

Louis groans and turns back onto his stomach, stuffing his face into his pillow. “Tell him to go away, it’s too early to see his face.”

“Babes, it’s noon.”

Realizing that Zayn is probably not going to leave him alone, Louis gives in. He pushes himself up and sighs, “I want tea.”

Instead of bending to his every whim like any good best mate should, Zayn just rolls his eyes and walks off. “Make your own damn tea,” he shouts over his shoulder.

Molly stares at Louis from the end of the bed with her soulful eyes and Louis knows she understands how unfair the world is.

Sure enough, when Louis finally walks out of his room wearing the same joggers and t-shirt he’s had on for three days there’s Harry Styles sitting on his couch talking to Liam and looking unfairly beautiful. He has no business looking that good at only half past twelve, Louis thinks bitterly.

Liam spots him first and smiles. “Hey Lou, I’ve made you a cuppa.”

Louis smiles and walks over, Molly following behind loyally. He drops down into Liam’s lap and kisses his forehead. “You’re my favorite.”

“Well don’t let Molly hear that,” Liam scoffs, passing the mug to Louis. “Did you sleep well, love?”

“Alright. You only woke me with your snoring twice.”

Liam rolls his eyes and mutters, “I don’t snore.” Louis can see his cheeks flushing red though.

“Hey Harry,” Louis says, finally acknowledging the boy who has been very pointedly not looking at them.

Harry turns his attention away from the telly and smiles. “Hey Louis. I’m sorry to wake you.”

There’s something off in his voice that makes Louis suddenly feel awful. He carefully slides out of Liam’s lap and settles next to him. “It’s fine mate, no worries,” he mutters.

“Zayn and I are going out for lunch,” Liam announces quite loudly out of nowhere.

Louis frowns, furrowing his eyebrows. Even Harry looks confused and shrugs when Louis looks to him for an explanation. “Alright?” He says slowly.

“So, we’re going now. Come on Zayn!” Liam jumps up and Zayn appears from the kitchen. He’s apparently in on the plan because he throws a jacket to Liam and is out the door before Louis can ask what’s happening. Liam grabs his shoes from the floor, waves to the both of them and the door slams.

The flat goes eerily quiet and then Louis groans. “Oh my god.”

“What?” Harry demands, honestly curious. “What are they doing, what was that?”

“Fucking idiots,” Louis mutters, shaking his head. “They want us to be alone together.

“Why would they do that?” Harry wonders aloud, and sometimes Louis thinks he might actually be stupid.

“Not a clue,” Louis lies. “What did you come over for?”

He didn’t mean for it to come out as mean as it sounded, but Harry doesn’t seem to notice or care. He just grins that dumb beautiful grin of his and shrugs. “I was just wondering if you wanted to go out or something? I have the day off and I guess I thought you might want to hang out?”

For a moment Louis is sure he must be joking, but then he remembers this is Harry who doesn’t have a single mean bone body. He’s still smiling at Louis hopefully, eyes tracking every nervous flinch of Louis’ hands.

Louis can’t take it anymore and stands up. “Where are we going then?”

Harry’s eyes light up almost like he’s surprised. He jumps up beside Louis, stumbling a bit on his unsteady legs. “We can just go to mine if you want? We could watch some cheesy Christmas movies on telly and I’ll make you whatever you want for tea.”

The enthusiasm in his voice makes Louis want to smile, but he thinks he manages to hide it well. “Well, if you’re making me tea than I can’t say no.”

And Harry looks like he’s just won the lottery. Grinning like a mad man, he yells a quick goodbye to Molly who’s watching them skeptically from the window and leads Louis to his flat.

What was originally only supposed to be hanging out somehow turns into Louis staying at Harry’s place until it’s nearing midnight. Like any normal person, Harry is yawning and obviously tired, but he’s doing his best to hide it.

After he tries, and fails, to hide his yawn behind the empty bowl of popcorn in his hands, Louis takes finally takes pity on him. “I should head back,” he says.

“Really?” Harry pouts, rubbing at his eyes.

“It’s late love, and you’re tired.”

The endearment slips out and Harry blushes. Louis chooses to ignore it and stands up. Harry stands up as well, awkwardly holding his empty bowl of popcorn in front of his stomach.

“Thanks for coming over,” he says, just as awkwardly. “I just-I hate to be alone and I get really lonely by myself some days and-I’m sorry, you probably don’t want to hear about my sob story.”

As hard as he tries, Louis can’t help but smile. “It’s alright Harry, don’t worry. If you ever feel lonely just call, yeah?”

“Really?” Harry asks, sounding genuinely surprised. He’s biting down on his bottom lip but Louis knows he’s just trying not to smile.

Louis nods and moves to slip his shoes back on. “I haven’t got anything better to do, and you’re alright to hang out with. Plus you’re a good cook.”

Harry beams and nods. “Yeah, that’s-that sounds good. Thanks Lou.”

“I’ll see you around Harry,” Louis says, and then he’s out the door.

The flat is dark when Louis walks in, and much cleaner than Louis left it which means Liam went on a cleaning spree again. As quietly as he can, he walks into the kitchen to take his pills and then heads to bed.

“Did you have fun?” Liam’s sleepy voice asks as soon as Louis lays down.

Louis jumps in surprise. “Fuck Li, I thought you were sleeping,” he sighs, settling back down and closing his eyes. “Why are you up?”

Liam shrugs and reaches his arm over to pull Louis closer. “Heard you come in, it woke me up. How was it?”

“We just hung out, it was nothing,” Louis tries to sound casual but he’s smiling to himself in the dark. “He’s kind of nice, actually.”

Liam hums happily against his neck. Neither of them say anything else about it but Louis can’t stop smiling. He can’t remember the last time he felt this happy over something so stupid like watching bad movies and eating popcorn with another person besides Liam. Harry really shouldn’t make him this happy, he reasons with himself, there’s nothing that special about Harry really.

Louis falls asleep with that lie playing over and over in his head and a smile still on his lips.

 

Harry loves to take walks with Louis.

They’re never very long walks because Louis seems to hate the idea of even leaving their building, but Harry loves them still. At the moment they’re walking back to his place from the coffee shop down the road, Louis bundled up in Harry’s coat he’s yet to give back and a scarf that looks like it’s about to swallow him whole. The tips of his fingers are turning pink where they’re wrapped around his cup and the smallest snowflakes are catching and melting on his eyelashes. It’s definitely not the first time Harry’s wished he had a camera on him so he could capture this moment.

“It’s just stupid, you know?” Louis says, taking a sip of his coffee and sighing. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Harry realizes he hasn’t actually been listening just staring, and carefully moves his eyes away. “You’re just-you’re you,” he stutters out.

Louis laughs and shakes his head, something he does a lot around Harry. “I am me, how astute.”

And yeah, the thing is Harry is sort of an idiot when it comes to Louis. It’s just that he gets so caught up in how beautiful and funny and soft the other man is that he blurts out stupid things and gets nervous too easily. He isn’t used to not being able to charm someone, he’s always been outgoing and never had much trouble flirting or making friends. Something about Louis makes Harry so nervous and he doesn’t know why.

Or, at least he pretends he doesn’t know why.

For a lack of anything to say, Harry goes back to drinking his coffee and keeping his pace slow enough for Louis to keep up. It’s a weekend and the street is crowded with people heading off to shop, holding hands, chatting loudly in large groups. Louis seems to shrunk in the face of it all and Harry keeps as close as he can. What he really wants is to reach out and take Louis’ hand in his own, squeeze tightly and never let go.

He wouldn’t of course, because as much as he hopes he’s getting somewhere with Louis, there’s still the bit of doubt in his mind. There’s still part of him saying this could all be made up in his head, that all of Louis’ little glances and laughs and smiles could be nothing more than friendly.

And it isn’t that Harry’s not happy like this, he loves having Louis as a friend and he’s sure he would be fine like this forever, but he can’t help but dream of someday there being more. Someday maybe all of these same conversations and moments could be interrupted by Harry pressing kisses to Louis’ cheeks and his eyelids and lips.

That’s what he’s thinking about when Louis’ arm shoots out and tugs him close. Harry startles and watches a couple of young kids speed by on skateboards. Louis is still holding onto Harry’s elbow tightly when he yells, “Hey, watch it!”

One of the kids calls a quick, “Sorry!” over his shoulder. Louis simply rolls his eyes and squeezes Harry’s arm before letting go.

“Thanks,” Harry says, his cheeks burning red. “I should probably pay more attention.”

Louis shakes his head and smooths out the wrinkles he’s left in Harry’s coat. “No, I’ve got you love. What were you daydreaming about? Something lovely I hope, you were pretty out of it.”

Harry smiles and shrugs. “It was nothing, really. Thanks for saving me, you’re my hero.”

Louis barks out a laugh and loops his arm through Harry’s. He pauses only a moment, long enough to give Harry time to pull away, before tugging them along again. “Yeah, a regular knight in shining armor, me.”

They walk the rest of the way home like that, arms looped together and shoulders brushing. Harry walks Louis to his door and they separate reluctantly.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Louis asks quietly. He’s very obviously trying he best not to sound vulnerable.

“Of course,” Harry says quickly. “You’re stuck with me now, you know that right?”

In an instant Louis is back to his guarded smirking self. He laughs quietly and nods. “I was worried about that. Oh well, I guess worse things could’ve happened.”

A moment passes and then Harry’s moving to press a soft kiss to Louis’ forehead. Louis freezes and Harry worries he’s overstepped. He’s about to blurt out an apology when Louis bounces up on his toes and pecks him on the cheek right back.

“Bye Harry,” he breathes, and with that he disappears into his flat.

Harry stands in front of the door longer than he’d like to admit, smiling to himself and staring off into the hallway at nothing.

 

Louis jumps into Liam’s lap a few days later, a giant and real grin on his face. “I wrote.”

Liam looks away from the book he was reading and once he realizes what Louis means, his eyes widen. “You didn’t.”

Louis laughs at his amazement and nods. “Five hundred words.”

The two of them almost topple off the couch when Liam tosses his book to the side and grabs onto Louis. “Babe, I’m so proud of you,” he laughs, pulling him into a hug. “I told you, I knew you could. You had nothing to be scared of.”

And Louis sort of hates talking about his actual feelings of inadequacy so he bites Liam’s neck instead of saying anything. The younger boy squawks and bites Louis back about fives times harder. Louis slaps at his shoulder and rolls away, falling against the couch giggling.

“What’d you write about?” Liam asks, rubbing the spot where Louis bit him.

Louis shrugs and glances away. “A boy.”

“Harry?”

Without another word, Louis stands up and walks into the kitchen where Zayn is sifting through their stash of menus. “Zayn, I wrote.” He announces.

Zayn whips around, grinning brightly. “Lou, holy shit,” he laughs, pulling Louis into a bone crushing hug. “That’s so fantastic.”

Louis smiles and hugs him back. “I mean, it’s mostly shit but-”

“It’s still something,” Zayn finishes for him and suddenly Louis is back to uni, back to his weeks of writers block that he thought would never end. It’s almost hilarious to him now thinking about how he used to complain to anyone who would listen about not being able to write for days.

“Have you talked to your agent?”

They separate and Louis wrinkles his nose. “No, I don’t want to talk to her until I’m sure this is actually something, y’know? Not like last time.”

Zayn’s grin is immediately wiped from his face. “So, it’s not-”

Louis shakes his head because no, it’s not the promised sequel he almost killed himself over. That won’t ever happen he’s decided because he never planned on it to happen. He was always fine with the ending he wrote, it was all wrapped up in his mind and his characters were right where he knew they should be.

But no one else seemed to agree. After his disaster of a book hit the shelves, the best seller lists, and the internet, it was quite apparent that people wanted a more conclusive ending to the story. His agent felt the same way and Louis agreed to sign on for a sequel because he’s an idiot who felt he owed the people who were willingly reading his work.

There was a deadline but he never made it to the deadline. Just hours before he was meant to send a draft off to his editor his landlord found him in his bathroom, a short note sitting on the sink that was more of an ending to his story than his character’s.

As much as he wants to join the rest of the people in his life who blame his agent and the stress from the book for what he had done, Louis can’t. He can’t because he knows now that this was years in the making, years of not feeling good enough, of crying alone in his bedroom, of faking smiles and sleeping with anyone who gave him the time of day just to try to fill the scarily empty part of his heart.

Louis was never really okay for a very long time and all he needed was a reason to end it all. All he needed was a catalyst and he got one.

“What is it about?” Zayn asks carefully.

Louis shrugs and picks up the menu for the best pizza place they could find in the neighborhood. “A boy,” he says softly, the same answer he gave Liam.

Zayn smirks. “I see.”

Louis avoids his knowing eyes and shakes his head. “No, you don’t and neither does Liam,” he says firmly. “It has nothing to do with Harry Styles. I can hardly even stand him.”

“Oh?” Zayn teases. “So you definitely didn’t spend all of last night texting him, I was just imagining that?”

Louis huffs and crosses his arms over his chest. “I’m becoming quite sick of your and Liam’s attitudes, to be honest.”

Zayn bursts out laughing and Louis just leaves him there. He doesn’t need either of them, Harry’s been texting him since practically sunup. As soon as the thought enters his mind, he realizes it’s gotten exactly as bad as Liam and Zayn have been telling him.

Ever since Harry and Louis have started disappearing for hours together most days, Liam and Zayn haven’t stopped walking around with these ridiculous smiles on their faces. They keep saying things too, like asking Louis when Harry will be over next, asking where Harry’s at at any given moment, like Louis should know. They also keep watching him when he has his phone in his hand, smiling softly and whispering to each other behind his back. Louis has had about enough of it.

 _Help?_ Louis texts Harry, ignoring Liam’s grin from where he’s sitting on the other end of the couch.

Harry texts back almost instantly. _What? What’s wrong???_

Louis decides to ignore the warmth in his chest because it’s a stupid feeling that doesn’t belong there. But he is starting to find himself thinking that a lot lately when it comes to Harry.

 _Nothings wrong,_ he texts back. _Z and Liam are annoying me. Can I come to yours?_

The next message takes a little while longer, a whole five minutes to be exact which is about an eternity in Harry time. He usually replies in nanoseconds to Louis unless he’s working or asleep. Louis always feels like shit when Harry texts him back then, always so sweet and stupid when he apologizes for taking so long to reply.

He’s really a disgusting boy, Louis reminds himself.

 _I’m coming to save you_ , Harry’s next message says. Seconds later there’s a short knock at the door and Harry enters.

“You really should start locking that, it’s dangerous,” He says, eyebrows pulling down into his painfully serious expression.

Liam scoffs. “If we start locking the door we’ll have to give you a key. Either way you’re coming in.”

Harry shakes his head and looks at the door still frowning. “It isn’t safe,” he scolds. “Something bad could happen.”

“Maybe someone will kidnap Louis so he’ll stop kicking me in his sleep,” Liam mutters, not looking up from his book.

Harry whips his head up and fixes Liam with an absolutely withering glare. Louis has to cough to disguise his laugh. “Did you want something, Harry?”

The boy makes sure to frown at Liam for another few seconds before giving Louis his full attention. “We’re going on a picnic.”

“A picnic?” Louis tries not to sound amused but it’s hard.

Harry nods and that smile returns to his face, the stupid one that makes him look sort of crazy. He’s so stupid and Louis absolutely hates him.

“Yes, a picnic. Hurry up Lou, get dressed so we can go.”

Only a couple of weeks ago Louis would have vehemently refused. He guesses it’s a testament to how persistent the kid is that he just gives in and leaves the room to find clothes. When he returns in his tightest pair of black jeans and a jumper he’s stolen from one of the boys, Louis finds Harry talking to Zayn quite seriously about the door.

“And a few days ago at my sister’s someone tried breaking in-”

“Styles, no one is trying to break into our flat,” Louis says firmly. “Let’s go before you notice we never lock the windows.”

Harry’s eyes go comically wide. “But the fire escape!” He cries.

Zayn and Liam are laughing so hard they’re practically in tears at this point. Louis rolls his eyes at them both and pushes Harry out the door, slamming it shut behind him. Harry sighs and turns to face Louis.

“How are you? I haven’t seen you in two days.” He says quietly, reaching out to brush his fingertips across Louis’ jumper.

Louis scoffs. “You talk to me almost every second of the day Harry, you know how I am.”

Harry pouts, and Louis hates that he can’t tear his eyes away. “But I haven’t seen you. I missed you.”

Everything seems to stop. Louis breaks into a cold sweat and he can feel his heart beating faster. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything, but maybe it means Harry thinks there’s something here that isn’t. Nothing is going on, nothing is happening between them besides the fact that Harry’s fun to hang around with when Louis’ flat becomes too boring.

And he hates the way his heart jumps at the thought, hates to admit to himself that he wants more.

“Don’t be stupid,” Louis blurts out, and he has to look away quickly because he can't stand to see Harry’s face crumple.

Harry takes a moment and then nods. “Come on, let’s go on our picnic.”

It’s so obvious that he’s trying to keep his voice happy, but Louis can still hear the sadness and the hurt. He tries his hardest not to dwell on it.

After Harry disappears into his flat to retrieve an actual picnic basket and a blanket, he nods his head towards the stairs and starts leading the way. Instead of going down though, Harry heads up.

“Where are we going?”

Harry turns around and winks at Louis, any traces of sadness gone now. “The best place for a picnic Lou.”

They keep going up the stairs until they reach a door that clearly says they aren’t allowed to open it. Harry pushes it open anyway and pulls Louis outside onto the roof. He stumbles a bit and looks around in disbelief.

“Isn’t it pretty?” Harry breathes.

Louis eyes dart around nervously. They have a perfect view of the city, of the sun that’s just starting to set in the sky, and there are ledges on the front and back of the building where it isn’t connected to another. He has to keep calm, he reminds himself, or Harry’s going to notice he’s freaking out.

“Louis?” Harry says softly. Louis looks over at him and Harry breathes in sharply. “Fuck, you’re scared of heights aren’t you? I didn’t even think to ask, oh my god I’m such an _asshole_.”

And no Louis is not scared of heights, he’s scared of himself, but he hates the way Harry looks. He hates to see the boy looking upset with himself when he’s done nothing wrong.

“No, love it’s not that,” he says quickly. “It’s just-it’s not what I was expecting. I’m fine, I promise.”

Harry bites at his lip, obviously not believing a word Louis is saying. “Are you sure? Because we could go to the park, except I know you don’t like people that much. We could still go to mine but I just-I wanted it to be special. I wanted to surprise you.”

Louis is surprised, that’s for sure, but he’s also incredibly moved that Harry would go this far to impress him and he doesn’t want to ruin that. So he shakes his head and reaches for the blanket in Harry’s arms.

“Harry, I’m fine. It’s a lovely surprise babe.”

Even though Harry still looks apprehensive, he nods and helps Louis spread the blanket out. The two of them sit down and Harry very seriously and meticulously starts unpacking his basket. He has just about everything in there, sandwiches and crisps, desserts he’s probably painstakingly baked and wrapped up, more fruit than either of them could ever eat in one sitting, and a thermos that he hands to Louis with a proud smile.

Louis eyes it skeptically but opens the top anyone. As soon as he smells it he starts laughing and the apprehension seems to slip away. “Harry, you did not have to make me an entire thermos of tea.”

“Yes I did,” Harry says simply. “And I made it gross how you like it, not even a little sugar.”

Biting down on a smile, Louis twists the thermos shut again and looks over the spread of food. “Christ, how did you get this all together last minute?”

Harry blushes and looks away. He sort of shrugs and mumbles, “I was planning to ask you anyway. I just had to finish the tea and then you texted me so I came over.”

It’s something like that, something so simple and stupid as Harry planning a picnic for him that breaks Louis. It’s too much to deny anymore and he can’t keep doing this. He shakes his head and looks down at his quivering hands, trying to breathe. Harry murmurs his name and Louis just shakes his head again.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” He asks, his voice so quiet that Harry has to lean in closer to hear.

Harry grins. “Because you deserve it Lou, I…I like you, you know? I really do.”

Louis clenches his hands into fists and god he wishes he could stop shaking. “What do you want from me? If you thinks this is funny to play around with me like this it isn’t-”

As soon as he says it, Harry’s eyes go wide and the smile drops from his lips. “No, Louis that’s not it.”

“Then what?” Louis demands, because he needs to know now. He can’t keep this up without knowing. “What do you want from me Harry? No one is ever this nice to me unless they want something, so what is it? I’d rather we just fuck and get it over with so we can stop pretending you can stand to be around me.”

“No,” Harry says again, but he’s firmer this time. “I like you Louis, I love being around you and spending time with you and I want to make you happy. I don’t care what that means, I don’t care if you stay with Liam forever or if you want to be with me too, or if we’re just friends-it doesn’t matter. I want you to be happy, I want to make you happy.”

“Oh,” Louis breathes out for a lack of anything better to say, and everything stops.

Harry nods and looks away. “Oh,” he sighs back.

They’re both quiet. Harry seems to be looking out over the city when Louis turns to stare at him. The part of his brain that’s reminding him that Harry is stupid is getting quieter and quieter, quickly being replaced by the rational part of his mind that’s saying Harry is perfect. Harry is sweet, he’s loyal to a fault and he’s always there to distract even when Louis won’t admit he needs that. He doesn’t act like Louis’ old friends and boyfriends did, the ones who would laugh at Louis for his odd behavior, beg him to leave the house and disappear when things got hard. Harry is so considerate of Louis and his limits, always stays close to him when they go out together for coffee, never pushes him to eat more or talk more or frown less when they’re together. Harry cares about Louis and he doesn’t know why it took him so long to notice that.

And he’s pretty too, which isn’t that important really but Louis can’t help but see it now. Harry’s stunning against the backdrop of the sunset and the city and the picnic he put together just for Louis. No one’s ever done anything this sweet for Louis before and looked so breathtaking doing it.

But of course the only thing Louis can think to say is, “Liam and I aren’t together.”

Harry’s eyes snap back over to meet Louis’. He studies him for a moment, lingering on his neck, and shrugs. “You share a bed every night, and I’ve seen you kiss him.”

Louis shakes his head. “You and Niall cuddle all the time, you’re not together are you? And the kissing isn’t-it’s just something we do sometimes. It’s comforting, that’s all.”

Harry snorts like he doesn’t believe that for a second. “What about that?” He asks, eying Louis’ neck again.

“What?” Louis asks, honestly confused. Harry leans forward and presses against a spot on Louis’ neck that makes him hiss in pain. In an instant he’s laughing. “Oh my god, Harry no. He bit me, we were just messing around. Li and I don’t do stuff like that.”

Harry frowns. “You don’t…I mean,” he trails off and raises his eyebrows suggestively.

Louis makes a face at the thought. “God no, that’s disgusting. Not once, not ever. I love Liam, I’m always going to love him, but it was never like that between us. He takes care of me and I take care of him. That’s all.” He makes sure to look Harry right in the eyes when he says it so he’ll know how serious this is.

The boy seems to think about it. He brings his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them. “I don’t just want to use you,” he says quietly. “And I need you to know that, it’s important.”

“I know,” Louis murmurs back.

Harry nods, a small frown still on his lips. “I’m kind of mad actually, that someone made you think that’s all anyone could want from you. You’re wonderful Louis, even when you’re in a bad mood and you barely speak to me I still want to be around you. You’re funny and interesting and so passionate about the things you love and you make me so happy when I’m with you. I just want that for you too.”

“You do make me happy,” Louis says, shifting closer. “Babe, look at me please.”

Harry does and Louis’ breath catches when their eyes meet. He bites down on his lower lip and shrugs. “I want to try, that’s all. If that’s what you want too.”

“It is,” Louis says before he can over think it, before he can stop himself from something he wants so badly. “That’s what I want, please.”

Harry looks like he wants to smile. “What about Liam?”

“No more kissing, I’ll break his heart as soon as I get home.”

“You really don’t want to be with him?” Harry asks. “Because you’d work, he’s good for you.”

“You’re good for me,” Louis says simply.

Harry finally lets himself smile. “You really want this? Dating me I mean. This isn’t just like, a joke right?”

He sounds so scared of Louis’ answer that Louis could almost cry.

“It’s not a joke. Keep smiling please, it’s weird seeing you upset.”

Harry laughs and wipes at his eyes. “God, I’m an idiot.”

Louis shakes his head and slides the rest of the way over so their shoulders are pressed together. “No you aren’t love, I am. Now, enough with the emotions I’m starving. Show me what you’ve brought.”

Harry continues to grin while he carefully shows Louis the different sandwiches he’s made. Louis picks one out and starts nibbling at it while Harry talks to him about work. He’s telling Louis a very long and drawn out story about another model he’s working with soon who he loves when his phone starts ringing.

“Sorry, hold on,” Harry mutters. He pulls his phone from his pocket, frowns, and then silences it and puts it back.

Louis raises his eyebrows in mock surprise. “You don’t always reply in seconds?” He teases.

Harry opens his mouth to answer, but then his phone is ringing again. He groans and pulls it out again, this time answering it.

“What?” He snaps, surprising Louis He’s never heard Harry sound angry before, or even annoyed really.

There’s a pause while the person on the other end speaks. “No I don’t-Gem’s listen,” Harry sighs. “No I can’t, I’m with Lou right now. Maybe tomorrow, okay? I know. I’m sorry. I love you too.”

When he hangs up Louis can tell by the way he deflates that he doesn’t want to talk about it. So, instead of asking every question popping into his mind right now, Louis grabs his sandwich and lays down on the blanket. Harry looks at him and Louis just shrugs.

“I’m tired,” he says, because that’s almost always true. “Besides, the sky is so much prettier than the city. I hate the city.”

Harry sighs and tentatively reaches out to wrap his hand around Louis’ ankle. “Me too. Let’s get out of here, yeah? Go somewhere pretty with no people around but us.”

Louis smiles at the thought and closes his eyes. “Sounds lovely. Somewhere I can write.”

“Are you writing again?” Harry asks carefully.

“Just a bit today,” Louis sighs. “Not much but it’s more than I’ve done in a long time.”

Harry squeezes his ankle and when Louis opens his eyes he’s smiling. “That’s wonderful Lou. I’m sure it’s wonderful, whatever it is.”

Louis shrugs and sits up so he can finish his sandwich and sip at his tea. “Who was it on the phone?” He asks finally.

“My sister,” Harry replies. “Family stuff, remember?”

And Louis does remember so he just nods and leaves it. Harry will tell him when he’s ready to, and it’s not like Louis isn’t keeping secrets of his own.

They eat in silence for awhile, and Louis likes that. He likes being around someone that can make him feel comfortable and at ease even when they sit in complete silence. This high up there’s still noise from the city moving around them, car horns honking, a siren blaring in the distance, people yelling to one another, but it’s surprisingly easy for Louis to ignore it all and fall into his own little world where only he and Harry exist.

“Hey, Lou?” Harry whispers.

“Hmm?” Louis sighs back, turning to see Harry already smiling at him.

“Thank you for giving me a chance. I really think we could work.”

Louis smiles back and motions for Harry to come closer. He does, and Louis tugs his coat until he finally gives in and they lay down beside each other on the blanket. “Thanks for the picnic Harry Styles. I don’t think anyone has been this sweet to me before.”

He closes his eyes and only jumps a little when Harry brushes his fringe away from his face. “I’ll be so sweet and so romantic you’ll be sick of me,” he promises. “I’m going to do this right Louis, I swear.”

Louis smiles. “You’re sweet enough. Quiet now, I’m tired.”

“You’re always tired,’ Harry points out quietly.

Louis just nods because he doesn’t know what to say. “Just stay here with me.”

Harry’s hand moves down so their fingers tangle together and before Louis knows it he’s drifting off.

When he wakes up his phone is ringing incessantly and the stars are out. They’re dim and the sky is cloudy but they’re there, and beautiful, but still not as beautiful as Harry. He’s laying with his face tucked into Louis’ neck, nose brushing his skin and lips parted slightly. Because there’s no one around to see, Louis takes a moment to just stare at Harry and watch his chest rise and fall, watch his eyelids flutter while he dreams.

His phone rings again and Louis reluctantly rolls away from Harry to answer it.

Liam’s shouting almost immediately. “Louis, where the fuck are you? It’s the middle of the night!”

Louis sighs and sits up, gently moving Harry so he’s laying down on the blanket instead of Louis’ chest. “I doubt it’s the middle of the night,” he says, pulling his legs up to rest his chin on his knees.

“It’s midnight Louis and you left hours ago. Zayn and I have been trying to call you and Niall too, but he has no clue where you are either.”

Louis laughs softly. “You actually called Niall?”

“It isn’t funny,” Liam actually growls and that’s the angriest Louis has ever heard him. “Neither of you are answering your phones and Harry’s flat is empty, we were worried. Where are you?

“On the roof,” Louis says simply. “Harry’s asleep, tell Niall to stop calling before the phone wakes him.”

Liam’s quiet. Louis closes his eyes and waits for the inevitable. “He brought you up to the roof?”

“And I’m fine,” Louis finishes the thought for him.

“It’s still not funny,” Liam says seriously. “You shouldn’t be up there.”

Louis shakes his head. “No, I’m fine. Harry’ll wake up eventually and we’ll come down.”

“What…Louis, what’s going on?” Liam asks, his voice a lot softer and gentler now. “Are you okay?”

Louis can’t stop his smiles. “I really am Li. And um, we can’t kiss anymore. I promised Harry we wouldn’t.”

Liam pauses and Louis can hear when he realizes what’s going on because he takes a sharp breath in. “Louis, are you-you and Harry? Really?”

“Really,” Louis sighs. “I want to try Li, I really want to try. I think that maybe I deserve something good in my life for once.”

“You do Louis,” Liam says quickly.

Louis shrugs and rubs his arms. “Do you-do you think I’m going to fuck it all up? He’s so sweet, I don’t want to hurt him. I’m so afraid I’ll hurt him.”

“You aren’t going to fuck it all up,” Liam says softly, quelling the rising panic in Louis’ chest. “You’re a wonderful person and he’s a wonderful person. It’s going to be hard but you’ll be so great together, I know it.”

Louis turns his head and watches Harry frown in his sleep. He looks so petulant that it makes Louis smile, as sad as he is. “Do you think he’ll understand?”

“I think he’ll try to,” Liam sighs. “He isn’t going to understand Lou, he just won’t. But he’s Harry so of course he’s going to try. He’s perfect, you deserve him.”

“I’ll never deserve him,” Louis whispers.

Only seconds later Harry groans loudly from beside him. Louis turns to see he’s rolled onto his back and is now glaring at the sky like it’s offended him. “Lou,” he whines. “My back.”

Louis can’t help his smile. “Try turning that into a sentence and get back to me, Styles.”

“My back,” he moans, louder this time. “It hurts from laying down weird.”

Louis rolls his eyes and turns back around. “We’ll be down soon, I should probably help old man Harold to bed.”

“We’ll talk when you get in. Make sure to kiss him and then come tell me about it,” Liam says quickly, hanging up before Louis can yell at him for the last comment.

After putting his phone away, Louis stands up and stumbles over to look at Harry who is still glaring at nothing. He reaches down and pulls him up easily. Harry groans and squeezes Louis’ hands once he’s fully upright.

“Thanks Lou,” he mutters. “This means I didn’t dream everything up right?”

Louis smiles and shakes his head. “No, you didn’t. Come on we have to get back, Liam and Zayn have Niall worried now too. Soon they’ll call the police to come search for us.”

Harry grins back. “I better return you. I have a feeling they might be waiting for me with a shotgun.”

The two of them clean the mess up they’ve made on the roof, Louis himself slightly worried someone’s going to find them up here if they stay much longer. Harry picks up his basket and blanket and takes one last look around before resting his hand on the small of Louis’ back and leading him to the steps.

Louis leans against him sleepily and tries not to think about how right it feels to be this close. Just like only moments ago when Harry slept with his head against Louis’ chest, it feels like they fit, like they were meant to be this close. Shit like that scares Louis, he doesn’t want to think about what might happen if this works out and they become closer and Harry starts asking questions.

He doesn’t want to think about what’s going to happen when Harry finds out how sad and sick he really is.

They finally make it down to Louis’ door and he turns to look up at Harry who is somehow still grinning at him. “Well, this is me,” he blurts out which makes Harry burst into giggles.

Instead of saying goodbye and rushing to bed, Louis waits. Harry stares at him for a moment, green eyes dark in the dingy hall lights. Something passes between them and Harry steps forward to press his lips to Louis’ forehead. Louis closes his eyes and reaches out to brush his fingertips across Harry’s waist.

“You should come over tomorrow,” Harry murmurs, pulling back enough just to speak. “We could watch a movie or something.”

Louis smiles at how nervous Harry sounds about something they’ve done hundreds of times before. “If you wake up and you don’t regret this then yeah. Text me.”

Harry shakes his head and when Louis finally opens his eyes he sees the boy is frowning at him. “I’m not going to regret it. I could never regret you.”

“If you say so.”

Harry smiles and gives Louis a kiss on the cheek, a hairbreadth from his lips. “I’ll text you tomorrow, okay? Goodnight Louis.”

“Goodnight Harry.”

“Lock the door behind you, yeah?”

Louis just rolls his eyes and walks into his flat. He makes sure to wink at Harry before he shuts the door and locks it. Safe from his looks, Louis takes a moment to close his eyes and just breathe, trying to understand what’s just happened. Harry likes him. Harry wants to try for something with him.

Louis heads off to bed happier than he’s been in so long.

 

Harry is panicking.

He has no idea what he’s doing, no clue what the fuck he thought he was doing when he decided to invite Louis over tonight. But now here he is only an hour away from his and Louis first real date and no idea what to do. Frantic, he pulls his phone out and texts Zayn.

_Is Louis there?_

Because it’s Zayn it takes him almost ten minutes to respond with a simple, _no._ Harry huffs and storms out of his flat. He doesn't even bother to knock, just barges right into Louis and Zayn’s flat like he owns the place.

Molly greets him at the door, meowing softly and brushing against his legs. Zayn enters the room moments later, scrubbing at his face tiredly. “What?” he mumbles.

“Everything is a disaster.”

Zayn laughs softly and motions for Harry to sit on the couch. “He and Liam are out, they won’t be back for awhile. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Harry collapses onto the couch and motions for Molly to jump onto his lap. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” he says softly. “I don’t wanna fuck anything up.”

Zayn snorts and sits down beside him. “You won’t fuck anything up Harry, what are you so worried about? You guys hang out all the time.”

“It’s different,” Harry mutters petulantly, just like he did when Niall said the same thing to him earlier. “This is like, it’s a real date and he might decide maybe he doesn’t like me and then what?”

Zayn scoffs, shaking his head. “He’s excited for the date Harry, he’s been freaking out about it all morning. He likes you, don’t be stupid.”

Harry moans and drops his head down into his hands. “He should just stay with Liam, they’re perfect for each other. I don’t know why he would even look at me twice when Liam’s around.”

Zayn makes a noise and Harry can see him shrug out of the corner of his eye. “I don’t understand it either Harry, not really. That’s just not what either of them want, I’ve heard them talk about it before. Liam isn’t…he doesn’t really do relationships. He’ll have close friends, like extremely close friends, but he never really wants to be someone’s boyfriend.”

Harry frowns. “Louis told me they’ve never actually like, _been_ together. Do you believe that?”

Zayn nods. “Absolutely. They do all sorts of weird shit sometimes, but it’s innocent y’know? Which sounds stupid since when is showering with someone considered innocent but it just is, and it’s them.”

And it’s really not what Harry would consider innocent either but he just nods and turns his face up to stare the ceiling. Zayn sighs and pushes himself up off the couch. He’s gone for a few minutes but soon returns with a mug for each of them.

“Listen Harry,” he says seriously. “I’ve known Louis a really long time, I’ve seen him at his best and his absolute worst and I’ve watched him with loads of people over the years. He’s never acted this way around anyone else. He really likes you Harry, I know he does. You don’t need to worry about anything.”

That makes Harry blush but he tries to hide it by taking a sip of his too hot tea. “Okay,” he breathes. “Thanks Zayn, really it helps.”

Zayn smirks. “You’ll do fine, just try to calm down yeah? He just wants to come over and watch a movie, maybe eat and cuddle. He’s a simple man.”

“Thanks just,” Harry nods to himself. “Just don’t tell him about this okay?”

“Course babe. Now finish your tea and get out of my flat before they get back.”

Harry does just that and leaves after he kisses Molly between the ears and forces Zayn into a hug. Instead of heading back to his flat to mope, he stops in to grab his coat and wallet and heads out to the store.

By six o’clock Harry has everything set up. Despite the amount of time they spend together Harry still isn’t sure what Louis likes to eat, mostly because he doesn’t eat very much, so he’s made pizza because he figures you can’t go wrong with pizza. He was so nervous he ended up making two, one plain and one with all the toppings he usually uses just in case Louis hates the toppings he chose. There’s also a salad, because you never know when someone might want salad, he’s got bread in the oven, and the newest Spiderman is queued up on his telly.

Harry’s really hoping it’s enough.

At exactly twelve minutes past six there’s a cautious knock at the door. Harry practically trips over himself in the haste to tug it open. Louis is waiting there, dressed in his loveliest lavender jumper, in Harry’s opinion at least, and skinny jeans. His hair is artfully messy, probably because he’s nervously running his hand through it when Harry opens the door. He looks beautiful and Harry’s heart feels like it stutters a beat.

“Are you wearing an apron?” Louis asks.

Harry nods and looks down at himself. “My sister got it for me for Christmas last year,” he says, proudly showing off the bikini clad woman on it. “It’s my favorite, I sort of have a collection.”

Louis smirks and shakes his head. “You’re something else Styles.”

“Come in, I made pizza,” Harry says, motioning for Louis to follow him to the kitchen.

Louis follows him and stops at the door of the kitchen. “Harold,” he says, a laugh in his voice. “You made pizza.”

“You like pizza don’t you?” Harry asks quickly.

“Everyone likes pizza,” Louis laughs. “But you made it, like actually made it? With your hands and an oven.”

Harry nods and bites at his lip nervously. “That’s how you make pizza, yeah. Is it okay?”

Louis smiles. “It’s great Harry, really. If you think I’m eating any sort of vegetable though you’re completely out of your mind.”

“It won’t kill you, it’s just spinach and stuff.”

Louis fakes gagging and walks back over to the door so he can kick his shoes off. Harry stays in the kitchen, grinning to himself and looking down at his feet. Louis returns and nudges him with his elbow.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, just happy,” Harry says. “What kind of pizza do you want, I’ve made two.”

Harry insists on making Louis’ plate for him and Louis just lets him, even though he does start laughing when Harry puts an obscene amount of salad on his plate. After making his own plate, the two of them head out to sit on the couch together. In lieu of actual candlesticks, Harry’s lit his favorite scented candle and set it in the middle of his coffee table.

“Proper romantic, aren’t you?” Louis teases.

“It’s lavender,” Harry says seriously. “It’s my favorite one.”

Louis smiles and slides over on the couch until they’re pressed close to one another. “Of course it is love. What are we watching?”

“ _Spiderman_ ,” Harry says, grinning. “That good with you?”

Louis nods and takes a huge bite out of his pizza. “Of course it is. Start it up Harold, let’s go. You’ve seen the first one haven’t you?”

Harry nods. “Niall dragged me out to it.”

“Good,” Louis says quite seriously.

Harry smiles and starts the movie. About a quarter of the way through Louis finishes most of his food and pushes the plate onto the coffee table. Instead of going back to how he was sitting, he leans into Harry’s side and rests his head on Harry’s shoulder.

“This okay?” he whispers.

“Yeah,” Harry says far too quickly.

Louis smiles and returns his attention to the movie. They spend the rest of it that way, Louis leaning against Harry and playing with the sleeve of his shirt. Harry eventually moves so he can wrap his arm around Louis’ shoulder and Louis can lean against his side.

By the time Gwen Stacy is dead, Harry is in tears. Louis pokes him in the stomach and whispers, “Are you crying?”

“No,” Harry mumbles petulantly.

“Oh my god,” Louis laughs. “You’re crying aren’t you?”

Harry shakes his head quickly. “Leave me alone Louis, it’s _sad._ ”

Even without looking Harry can tell Louis is watching him. Out of nowhere, his smaller hand slips into Harry’s and squeezes gently. When he turns he finds Louis has turned his attention back to the movie but he still isn’t letting go.

The movie ends soon after that and Harry sighs loudly. “Did you like it?”

Louis nods. “It was sort of shit, but I still liked it.”

“How can you like it and think it was shit?” Harry laughs.

“It’s complicated,” Louis says seriously.

Of course Harry has no clue what that means, but he still laughs because he thinks Louis is hilarious. Louis looks like he’s trying his hardest not to laugh back at him.

“So, what now?” Louis asks after Harry’s turned the movie off.

Harry shrugs and reaches for their plates to take into the kitchen. “Do you need to go? We could always stay up a little longer, there’s probably something else on.”

Louis watches him go and when Harry returns he’s got the remote and is quickly searching through Netflix. It does something strange Harry’s heart knowing Louis is comfortable enough to do that.

“Where’d you learn to cook?” He asks, sounding genuinely curious.

Harry shrugs. “My mum wasn’t around a lot when I was a kid, so I learned how to cook to help out. I used to work in a bakery, back before I moved here I mean. Baking makes me calm.”

Louis nods like he understands. “Writing calms me down too,” he says quietly. “Why’d you start modeling?”

It sort of goes like that for the next few hours, all while Louis’ selection of Hercules plays in the background. He tells Louis about how he was scouted at sixteen and took the job because he needed the money, even though he was always far more interested in photography and baking than he ever was in modeling. Louis learns about how he met Niall, about Gemma and all of his other friends and the various shoots he’s done over the years.

In turn, Louis tells him things. Granted he’s nowhere near as open as Harry is, but it’s still more than Harry’s learned about him since they met. He tells Harry all about his siblings and his mum all while his eyes sparkle happily, bringing his phone out to show Harry pictures of them all. He talks about uni and how he met Zayn, though he doesn’t talk about Liam at all. When he gets to that part in his life he sort of lets the conversation drift off and Harry doesn’t say anything.

He’s so happy that Louis is finally opening up and talking about his life that he doesn’t care if Louis still leaves things out. He’s just happy to be trusted.

They end up falling asleep on the couch together, Louis with his head pillowed on Harry’s chest, Harry with his arms wrapped securely around Louis’ smaller frame. Neither of them speak about it when Louis wakes up and tells Harry he has to go home, but they do share a secret smile and a peck on the cheek before he leaves.

“Thank you,” Louis whispers on his way out the door.

Harry just nods and watches him go, unable to stop smiling.

 

Harry and Louis go on small dates a few times a week after that, which mostly means they go to Harry’s flat and watch movies and cuddle. One night Harry brings him coffee and they sit out on the fire escape together, Harry laying with his head in Louis’ lap, Louis smoking and stroking Harry’s curls.

“You’re beautiful. You know that?” Harry murmurs up to him.

Louis glances down and smirks. “Can’t be too good looking from that angle.”

Harry pouts and Louis wonders when he started letting Harry get this close. “Lou, you’re beautiful. Don’t you believe me?”

Louis sighs and tugs at one of Harry’s loose curls. “I believe that you believe that love, and that’s enough.”

That doesn’t seem to placate Harry who just huffs angrily. “You’re mean,” he says quite seriously. “I’m going back to admiring you from across the room with Molly.”

Louis laughs and drops the bud of his cigarette so he can pull his hands through Harry’s hair and scratch his scalp. Immediately Harry’s eyes flutter closed and he groans. Louis smiles and pulls his hands forward again, laughing when Harry arches up into it.

“I think I’ve found why you and Molly connect so much,” he teases.

Harry groans and turns his face against Louis’ stomach. “Shutup,” he mumbles. “Just keep doing that or I’ll leave.”

Louis smiles fondly, mostly because he knows Harry can’t see him. “Alright darling.”

When he resumes gently scratching Harry’s scalp Harry sighs happily and Louis is so enamored he can hardly stand himself anymore.

“You make me smile,” he whispers.

Harry turns his head just enough to smile up at Louis. “Good,” he whispers. “That’s all I want.”

Louis leans back against the brick of the building and watches the moon rise into the sky with his hands tangled in Harry’s curls. The ever present ache in his chest seems to slip away and Harry makes him smile. It’s good.

This is good.

 

They date for three long, weirdly sweet weeks before Harry and Louis finally have their first kiss.

Lately Louis has started to come out of his shell a lot more. None of the other boys mention the change, but it’s always obvious how surprised they are when Louis offers to accompany someone out to the shop or ask Harry if he wants to go out for coffee. Harry still isn’t sure why it’s so hard for Louis to do simple things but he knows that this is big and he’s just as proud as everyone else is.

So when Louis announces he wants to go out this weekend everyone seems a bit surprised, but they play along.

All five of them end up at a park near their building, Louis leading the pack with a football under his arm. He spends the entire walk over promising everyone defeat and Harry plays along as well, slinging an arm around Louis’ shoulders and backing him up every time he challenges one of the other boys to just try and beat him.

The fact that he’s never actually seen Louis play footie and therefore has no idea whether he’s good or not is irrelevant to Harry. All he really cares about is the way that Louis’ eyes light up so beautifully when he laughs.

Once at the field they split into two teams, Harry, Louis, and Liam on one, Niall and Zayn on the other. They’re decent enough, Niall especially which surprises Harry, but Louis is quite obviously better than them all by miles.

“Louis you’re killing us,” Niall pants, watching Louis dribble the ball past Liam once more.

Harry tries to chase after them but ends up flat on his ass for the fourth time that night. Also for the fourth time, Louis stops everything to sprint over and help him up. Liam steals the ball away but Louis is too busy helping Harry stand up and wiping dirt off his kit to notice.

“Your arse should be numb by now,” he reasons, brushing at Harry’s shoulders.

Despite the stinging pain in just about every part of his body, Harry grins. “You’d think.”

Louis smiles back and runs his hands down Harry’s arms so he can squeeze the younger boy’s hands. “Try to keep up love,” he whispers, and then he’s taking off again after Liam.

Just as Harry finally gets control of the ball for the first time in the entire game, there’s an ear splitting clap of thunder. Niall screams so high pitched that they all start laughing, but that’s quickly stopped by the sudden downfall of rain.

“Fuck that!” Zayn shouts, covering his head with his arms and taking off running without waiting for anyone else.

Niall cackles and stops only to grab his now soaking hoodie off the grass before tearing off after the other boy. Liam of course shouts for Louis to come on, but he’s laughing and chasing after the football Harry’s lost. After giving Harry a look, Liam takes off and Harry’s left alone with him.

“Lou, come on,” he shouts. “You’ll be soaked through!”

Even from across the field Harry can hear Louis laughing. He picks the ball up and sprints towards Harry, catching his hand with his own and tugging him into a run as well. Harry trips a bit on the wet grass but eventually finds his balance and chases after Louis towards home.

They reach their building and start the search through wet pockets until Harry comes up with his key to let them in. In the safety of the hall, Louis drops the football and falls back against the wall in a fit of giggles. Harry can only watch him with a smile on his face, absolutely stunned with how beautiful he looks like this; clothes dripping onto tiled floor, cheeks ruddy from running and laughing so hard his eyes sparkle.

He’s so captivated that he hardly notices when Louis’ laughs taper off and he starts looking at Harry oddly.

“What?” Harry giggles.

“Can I try something?”

Harry nods of course, because he’d let Louis do whatever he wants with him at this point. For some reason he really isn’t expecting it when Louis takes a step forward and presses their lips together, silencing his giggles.

On instinct Harry lifts a hand up to thread his fingers through Louis’ wet hair, smiling into the kiss when strands of it tangle around his fingers. Louis bites down on his bottom lip and Harry hisses but doesn’t pull away until Louis does first.

His cheeks are flushed even redder if possible and when they lock eyes, Louis grins deviously. “I’ll see you tomorrow Styles.”

Before Harry can even think of a reply Louis grabs his football and takes off up the steps. Harry spends far longer than he should standing in the hall, dripping wet and smiling like a loon.

 

 **(Harry 1:15 PM)** you busy?

 **(Louis 1:17 PM)** no why?

 **(Harry 1:20 PM)** Good!! want to take you to the book store :) alright?

 **(Louis 1:24 PM)** of course love. be there in ten xx

 

Louis doesn’t mention anything to his mum until she does first.

They’re on the phone for their weekly gossip session about everyone back home and what the girls are up to when Jay stops him short in the middle of his rant about his writing.

“Louis,” she says softly. “What’s going on?”

Louis shrugs and picks at the string hanging off his jumper. “Nothing’s going on mum, why?”

Jay takes a sharp breath in. “You just-darling, I haven’t heard you sound so happy in such a long time. What’s happened, is it because you’re writing again?”

“I um,” Louis pauses and sighs. “I’m sort of dating someone, Mum.”

There’s silence and then Jay is gasping and Louis can hear Lottie asking what’s going on and the next thing he knows there are a bunch of girlish squeals and the phone is being passed around to all of his sisters, each demanding to know who it is and what he looks like. When it finally gets back to Jay his door is quietly creaking open and Harry is walking in.

It’s obvious he’s just come from a shoot if the makeup on his face and his styled hair are anything to go by. He’s carrying a cup in each hand and quietly sets one on Louis’ bedside table, ducking down to kiss him softly.

“Hey love,” Louis murmurs.

“Louis, is he there right now?” Jay demands. “How could I not have known about this? Why haven’t you said anything?”

Louis shrugs and moves over so Harry can sit on the bed beside him. “It’s sort of new still Mum,” he says. Harry’s eyes widen when he realizes what Louis’ talking about and he moves to get up and leave, but Louis puts a hand on his arm and shakes his head.

“Well I’m happy for you,” Jay says seriously. “If he makes you this happy then I’m sure I’ll love him. When are you bringing him home?”

Louis coughs loudly and Harry breaks into giggles. Louis slaps his shoulder softly and tries to clean up the mess of tea he’s made all over himself. “God Mum, it’s a little early for that isn’t it?”

“I want to meet him, Louis,” she says seriously. “I never-you’ve never let me meet anyone else before.”

Harry being at his side is the only thing keeping Louis from bursting into tears at that. Of course he never let her meet anyone because he never dated anyone, he only had one night stands and friends with benefits because that was all he thought he deserved.

“I promise Mum,” he says quietly. “If he’s alright with it then eventually you’ll get to meet Harry, okay?”

Jay pauses and then Lottie is yelling in the background. “It is Harry, I knew it! Fizz, come quick I have a picture!”

Louis groans and Jay just laughs. “I’ll have to go deal with that then. Give Harry my love sweetheart, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you.”

“I love you too Mum,” Louis says, and then he hangs up so he can fix Harry with a glare.

Harry’s laughter only gets louder and he shakes his head. “You have to bring me home to mother Louis,” he giggles.

“Oh shutup,” Louis grumbles. “She’s overprotective, leave me alone.”

Harry shakes his head and rests his head on Louis’ shoulder. “I like that you’re close and she sounds lovely Louis, really. Don’t take her for granted.”

Louis shakes his head and sighs. “I won’t,” he promises, because he never will again. “Tell me about work today.”

They drink their tea and Louis listens while Harry tells him every little detail about his shoot today. For a brief and slightly terrifying moment Louis thinks about this being every night, Harry coming home and laying in bed beside him while they talk about their days. Just the thought makes him laugh even harder at Harry’s stupid jokes.

It’s not a bad thought, is the thing. In fact it makes him incredibly happy.

 

It doesn’t really dawn on Harry that something is different when it comes to him and Louis until all the boys meet up one day for FIFA and dinner at his flat. About an hour into Louis and Liam teaming up to kick all their asses, Harry realizes he has no actual food and offers to go for curry.

“I’ll come with,” Louis says, surprising everyone by abandoning his controller and standing up.

Almost immediately Liam is doing the same. “I’ll come too.”

Which is how Harry ends up reluctantly following behind the two of them as they walk out of the building. They’re not even out the door when Liam slings his arm over Louis shoulder and pulls his closer.

An awful feeling settles in Harry’s stomach and he can feel his face heating up. He tugs on his scarf to avoid Louis’ curious eyes.

“What’re we getting?” He asks, still looking at Harry who just shrugs and continues walking.

“Whatever you’d like, darling,” Liam teases and Harry wants to crawl into a hole and die.

“You know, why don’t you two go get the food?” he blurts out. Louis stops walking and turns to look at him in surprise. “I’m just gonna head back up.”

Louis shakes his head but Liam’s arm is still around his shoulder and his hand is still on Liam’s waist when he says, “Babe?”

Harry smiles. “I’ll see you back at the flat, yeah?” Instead of waiting around for an answer, Harry turns on his heel and heads right back inside.

Zayn and Niall looks surprised to see him but he just ignores their questions and heads for his bedroom, slamming the door behind himself and crawling into bed. He pulls the covers up over his head and curls up into a ball, hating the awful jealousy he feels when he thinks of the way Louis smiled at Liam.

Minutes later the door opens softly, and then shuts again. Harry thinks for a moment that they’re actually going to leave him alone, but then the bed is dipping beside him.

“Niall-”

“Talk to me,” Louis murmurs, lifting the quilt so he can tuck himself behind Harry. “Please. I’m sorry.”

Harry frowns. “There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he murmurs.

In the dark Harry can hear Louis sniffle and push his forehead against the back of Harry’s neck, lips on the top of Harry’s spine. “I’ve gone and fucked it all up, haven’t I? I’m sorry, I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry.”

Harry turns onto his side and hates when he sees tears in Louis eyes. “Lou, no please don’t cry. It’s not your fault love.”

Louis huffs and wipes at his eyes furiously. “I’m not crying,” he growls out.

Despite how bad he feels, Harry still smiles. He leans forward and kisses Louis softly, loving that Louis pulls him closer by the waist almost immediately. Harry pulls away slowly and kisses the tip of Louis’ nose.

“You haven’t messed anything up. It’s my fault, I’m jealous that’s all.”

Louis wrinkles his nose and Harry loves how cute that is. “Jealous? Of what?”

Harry rolls his eyes. “Of Liam, who else?” He grumbles, leaning his head against Louis’ shoulder so he doesn’t have to see when Louis realizes how much of an idiot he is.

Sighing, Louis reaches up to scratch gently at Harry’s curls. “There’s nothing to be jealous about,” he whispers.

“He loves you,” Harry reminds him. “He loves you probably more than I’ve ever seen someone love another person and I don’t know that I could ever compete with that.”

Louis shakes his head, gently moving Harry so they’re face to face again. “You don’t have to compete,” he says plainly. “I haven’t kissed him or done anything with him since I promised you we’d be exclusive.”

And god Harry wishes it was that simple.

“I’m not worried about something happening,” he explains, hating himself for every word. “I’m just worried that he knows you so much better than I do. He’s so much better than me.”

Louis laughs and Harry frowns at him. “Oh love,” Louis chuckles. “You are what I want, okay? It doesn’t matter how well Liam knows me, you’re the one I want.”

Harry frowns. “But-”

“Liam is not boyfriend material for me,” Louis goes on. “He’s more like, annoying older brother material. He’s got shit taste in music and books and he’s constantly trying to make sure I eat vegetables and that sort of thing. He wants to take care of me, not be with me. That is not what I want.”

That makes Harry smile just a little bit. “You should eat more vegetables,” he agrees.

Louis groans. “Maybe I should rethink the whole asking you to be my boyfriend thing then, huh?”

Harry’s eyes go wide. “What?”

“Don’t act so surprised,” Louis says, sounding embarrassed. “You have to know how much I like you.”

Harry grins. “You want me to be your boyfriend?”

Louis rolls his eyes. “Well now you’re just bragging.”

Giggling, Harry rolls forward and kisses him hard. Louis breathes in sharply but goes with it, letting Harry keep rolling until he’s straddling his hips.

“Is that a yes?” Louis murmurs, staring up at Harry with laughter in his eyes.

Harry smiles and gently brushes Louis’ skin with his fingertips. “Of course it is.”

“Good,” Louis murmurs, and then he’s pulling Harry back down for a proper kiss that finally silences both of their laughter.

 

When Louis wakes up it’s three in the morning and he is starving. Groaning, he sits up only to find that Harry has an arm over his waist and they’re in Harry’s bed. The night before comes rushing back and Louis smiles at the memory of kicking the other boys right after dinner and celebrating their new status as boyfriends.

Slowly, he slips out from under Harry’s arm and heads to the kitchen. He’s in there a whole ten seconds when he hears the springs squeaking on Harry’s bed and footsteps padding across the floor. A shadow falls from the doorway over the kitchen and Harry mumbles, “Lou?”

“Sorry, go back to bed,” Louis whispers.

Harry snuffles and walks over, wrapping his arms around Louis’ waist. He’s still shirtless and wearing nothing but pants, showing off the love bites Louis left on his skin. Louis sort of loves that.

“What’re you doing up?” he murmurs.

“M’hungry.”

Harry nods and kisses his neck. “What’d you want? I’ll make you something.”

Louis smiles at the thought of Harry attempting to cook this early in the morning. “Babe, no. You’re tired go back to bed.”

“You go back to bed, I’ll find you something.” Harry says obstinately, pushing Louis back towards the door.

“Don’t cook me anything love,” Louis concedes. “It’s too early and you’re half asleep. With my luck you’ll burn something off.”

Harry shrugs and ignores him in favor of heading over to the fridge. Louis gives up on trying to convince him heads back to bed to lay down, resting his eyes just for a moment. It feels like only seconds later Harry’s softly whispering his name.

“Lou, baby I have food,” Harry whispers and when Louis opens his eyes he can tell by Harry’s blushing cheeks that the _baby_ just slipped out.

Louis smiles anyway. “Feed me,” he groans, pushing himself back up so he’s leaning against the headboard.

The cheese toastie Harry’s made him tastes ridiculously good, and Louis isn’t sure if it’s just because it’s three in the morning or if it’s because Harry made it. He’s sitting beside Louis, his face nuzzled against Louis’ neck and one arm around his waist.

“Are you hungry?” Louis asks.

Harry shakes his head and nuzzles closer.

“You didn’t have to-”

“Wanted to,” Harry interrupts. “Now eat before I fall asleep again and become useless.”

Louis smiles fondly. “You’re already useless.”

Because he’s an idiot, Harry blushes and pushes his face closer to Louis’ neck. He lays there while Louis eats, breathing softly against his skin and kissing Louis’ shoulder every now and then. Louis smiles when Harry grumbles and tugs at the jumper Louis’ wearing-Harry’s jumper, actually-until he can successfully kiss the skin there.

“Who said you could wear clothes?” He mumbles.

Louis laughs. “You did, babe. You didn’t want me catching cold, remember?”

Harry scoffs at himself Louis is assuming, but quickly goes back to teasing and nipping Louis’ shoulder. “Beautiful,” he murmurs. “So gorgeous.”

The praise makes Louis go red so he gently shakes Harry off. “You’re tired,” he whispers, like that excuses what Harry’s just said.

“I’m tired but you’re still beautiful,” Harry shoots back.

Louis chooses to ignore that and finishes his food. He sets his plate next to the bed, knowing he doesn’t have the energy to make it back to the kitchen right now. Harry lays down and Louis does as well, resting his head on Harry’s chest.

“You’re so sweet,” he murmurs. “I don’t deserve that.”

Harry snorts. “You deserve better than that. I’ll be so sweet your teeth will rot.”

Louis smiles against his chest and reaches one hand up to gently trace the birds by his collarbones. “Would you still like me with rotted teeth?”

“Absolutely,” Harry replies with no hesitation and Louis laughs.

They fall into silence, Harry tracing patterns across Louis’ back under his jumper, Louis letting his eyes drift closed. He can’t remember the last time he was this comfortable with anyone other than Liam, comfortable enough to let them hold him and kiss his forehead and trail their fingers across his shoulder blades with feather light touches.

“Goodnight,” Louis murmurs.

Harry takes a deep breath, letting Louis rise and fall with him. “Goodnight love,” he whispers back

The swirling of his fingers across Louis’ skin in patterns is what finally lulls the both of them to sleep, content and calm and together.

 

Niall drags Harry out to the bar, his excuse being that they haven’t had a proper night out in weeks. Harry reluctantly agrees to go, still feeling awful about it even when Louis just laughs and tells him he’ll be fine by himself for one night.

That certainly doesn’t stop him from moping of course.

“Mate seriously,” Niall shouts over the band playing at the far end of the pub. “Stop looking at your phone for a minute, drink this.”

Harry pouts but Niall doesn’t give in. He goes so far as to hand Harry a pint and then snatch his phone away. When Harry goes to protest, Niall just shakes his head and hides the phone in his pocket.

“You’re not getting it back until you’re pissed, you hear me? Drink up Styles.”

Harry rolls his eyes but gives in. Niall calls for another round and a row of sickening looking shots before he’s even halfway through with his pint. And it’s not like he has work in the morning or anything, so Harry gives in and downs his pint. Niall cheers him on, laughing when Harry sputters after taking a shot.

“What the fuck is that?” He asks, reaching for the next one.

Niall just laughs and crashes their glasses together. That’s the last good memory Harry really has before everything turns into a blurry mess of more drinks and music. The music probably wasn’t as good as Harry thought it was when he was drunk, but he danced and sang along like it was the greatest thing he ever heard.

By the time they stumbled out of the pub hours later, clutching onto one another so they wouldn’t fall into the gutter with laughter, Harry was absolutely giddy. Niall took charge of leading them home, acting like he had any idea what he was doing.

“It’s definitely this way,” he slurs to Harry, pointing one way. After a moment of consideration he frowns, shakes his head and points the other way.

Harry just laughs and flags down a cab.

“Hey,” Harry says once they’re safely inside the car and headed back to his place.

Niall frowns. “What? Me?”

The question sends Harry into a fit of giggles. “Yeah _you_ ,” he laughs. “My phone, gimme. Gotta tell Lou.”

Niall groans but digs deep into his pocket to grab the phone for Harry. He has two missed messages, both from Louis which makes him smile.

 **(Louis 12:15AM)** what kind of ice cream do you like??? we’re fighting about it and zayn is for sure wrong.

 **(Louis 1:22AM)** hope you’re having fun babe xx

Harry grins and taps on the screen until it listens to him and starts calling Louis.

“You’re gonna wake him up,” Niall warns.

“Louis’s always up,” Harry shoots back, and he’s proven right.

Louis sighs into the phone and Harry can hear the tapping of computer keys in the background. “It’s two in the morning, love.”

“Hey Louis,” Harry says happily. “Guess what-I’m drunk.”

Both Louis and Niall laugh at that and Harry just pouts. He hasn’t said anything funny.

“I can tell love,” Louis murmurs. “Did you have fun?”

Harry nods before he remembers Louis can’t see him, and that makes him sad. “You should’ve come too,” he whines. “Would’ve been more fun with you.”

“You needed a night out,” Louis says. “Are you and Niall headed home then?”

“Yeah, I’m tired,” Harry sighs out loudly. “Can I come and see you?”

Louis laughs softly and god what Harry wouldn’t give to be right there listening to him forever. “I think you should probably head to bed love,” he whispers.

Harry groans and slumps against Niall’s side. “Awful,” he mumbles, mostly to himself. “Being drunk is awful, Lou. Everything’s too bright and _bad_.”

Niall cackles at him and Harry does his best to punch him in the shoulder, though he definitely misses.

Louis sighs on the other end of the phone and Harry can hear him shuffling around. “I’ll meet you at yours, okay? Kick Niall out to the couch tonight.”

Harry gives a little cheer and after making ridiculous kissing noises into the phone, hangs up. The thought of going home to Louis makes him so happy he could cry. He drunkenly relays that thought to Niall who just about chokes with laughter.

“You’re so fucking gone for him Styles,” he murmurs.

Harry just grins and nods happily.

 

When Louis wakes up he grabs his mobile off the bedside table first thing. He unlocks it and is about to send Harry a text asking him out for breakfast when he sees the date.

December third.

Louis throws the phone against the wall as hard as he can and buries himself under his blankets when Liam and Zayn come to inspect the noise.

 

Harry frowns down at his silent phone and sends yet another text to Louis.

_Louuuu I’ve just finished the saddest book ever :(_

But just like every other message Harry’s sent him since this morning, there’s no reply. He sighs and decides to put his phone deep in his pocket, otherwise he’ll just continue to stare at it sadly.

Instead of obsessively checking for a text from Louis, he picks the book up again. _Fireproof_ was brilliant, just as Jane, the woman from the bookstore, had promised. The ending had hurt just as much as she warned him it would.

Who ends a novel that way, Harry wonders, with the main character contemplating ending their life but no answer as to if he does or not. There has to be a sequel, he figures, which prompts him to find his laptop so he can start googling this William Darling guy.

According to many, many angry people on the internet, there’s nothing, not even a snippet of the sequel that was promised ages ago. The idea was apparently scrapped and no one really has any idea why, though he does find some people saying that the author never existed in the first place. There’s no pictures of him anywhere, no public appearances or twitter account, not even a vague author's photo on the back of the book.

It’s really weird, Harry thinks. There’s only one statement from the author Harry can find anywhere. It’s on his publicists twitter, just a little quote he’s written.

_I know that some of you are angry and that you wish I would clarify what happened so I will._

_Life went on. Life is cruel and it will go on with or without us._

Harry frowns.

Fifteen minutes later he’s sitting across from Jane in the cafe off the bookshop, still frowning.

“I don’t understand,” he says, flipping through the pages once again as if they might come alive and reveal what really happened at the end. “How could they end it there? And what do they mean life goes on? I mean, life doesn’t go on if you throw yourself off a building.”

Jane smiles and wraps her hands around her mug to warm her fingers. “Maybe not for you,” she says softly. “But for everyone else it does. It never stops Harry, and I think whoever wrote this book was very caught up in that notion. If you’re gone life is going to continue on without you, maybe people won’t miss you if they can move on.:

Harry shakes his head and sets the book face down on the table. “That’s awful,” he whispers. “It’s so terrible. How could anyone think that way?”

“It is awful,” she agrees with a sigh. “People don’t choose to think that way Harry. I don’t know anyone who would.”

Before he leaves Jane offers him a job. He thinks back to the voicemail still sitting on his phone from two days ago, his agency asking him to call back and make an appointment to discuss extending his contract.

He agrees.

 

Louis doesn’t leave his bed for two days.

“I love you,” Zayn whispers when Louis finally emerges that evening only to collapse on the couch with Molly in his lap. “I love you and I’m so glad you’re here.”

Louis fakes a smile back and tries not to think about it.

 

It’s the middle of the night and someone is pounding on Harry’s door.

With a groan, Harry pulls himself up out of his bed. It’s three in the morning and whoever is knocking doesn’t seem to be letting up. He creeps out of his bedroom and up to the door quietly, peeking through the peephole.

“Harry,” Louis whines, slamming his hand on the door again and again. “Harry, come the fuck _on_ , the one fucking time you aren’t awake.”

Harry pulls the door open and catches an armful of Louis. “Hey, Lou, what’s going on,” he asks, checking Louis over. “Are you okay?”

This is actually the first time Harry’s seen Louis since they ordered takeaway Tuesday night and spent hours on his couch together, playing video games and cuddling until Louis went home. Liam had actually texted Harry the next afternoon to tell him that Louis was ill after he’d gone hours waiting for a text back.

So it’s a bit strange that Louis is at his door in the middle of the night, reeking of alcohol and holding a football under his arm.

“Let’s go,” he whines, tugging at Harry’s hands. “Come on Harry, please. Just come with me, I need to go.”

“Baby, maybe we should get you home,” Harry murmurs.

Louis pouts and his eyes are shining with tears. “Please,” he begs. “Harry please, let’s go. Please.”

They stare at each other for a moment, Harry taking in his drunkenness and obvious instability and Louis tearing up. It only takes one more whimpered plea before Harry is forcing Louis into a coat and finding his shoes.

“I’m not cold,” Louis protests.

Harry rolls his eyes and zips Louis up into the green coat he’s practically claimed at this point. “You’re going to freeze outside. Come on, hand me the football and we can go.”

When they get outside it’s quite obvious Louis has no clue where he’s going. Sighing, Harry reaches for Louis’ hand and tugs him in the direction of the nearest field which is more of a small patch of grass in a park that isn’t very well lit, or safe probably. When it comes into view, Louis grins.

“I was so good at footie,” he slurs. “I loved is so much, me and my mates used to play all the time and I kicked their arses.”

As drunk as he is, Harry can’t help but smile at him. “Why don’t you play anymore?”

Louis frowns like he’s confused and then shakes his head. “No,” he says simply. “No, not anymore. I don’t do things like that anymore.”

It’s such a strange thing to say that Harry can’t think of a reply. He doesn’t have to though because as soon as they reach the field Louis steals the ball back and makes a run for it. Halfway across the pitch he drops the ball and kicks it up just as quickly, bouncing it from knee to knee even as drunk as he is. He’s laughing, eyes bright, cheeks red from the alcohol and the cold and Harry doesn’t think he’s ever seen him so happy.

He remembers for a split second Liam and Zayn denying Louis beer before, but then Louis is shouting for his attention.

“Harry,” he yells. “Harry, do you know what?”

Harry walks closer and shakes his head. “What?”

Louis lets the ball drop and kicks it over. “I’m alive, aren’t I? Isn’t that strange.”

The ball bounces a bit and then knocks into Harry’s feet. He attempts to dribble it a bit, fails, and then kicks it back.

“Why is it strange?”

“Because I wasn't,” Louis explains, successfully stealing the ball and kicking it around Harry and towards two bushes that are apparently the goal. “They told me I wasn’t, you know. _Lost you for a minute there_ , they said, and I cried because I didn’t want just a minute.”

Around them the earth seems almost like it’s stopped spinning, but Louis hasn’t stopped moving. He gets the ball back and trips right over it, falling into Harry’s arms. Everything jolts to a start again and Harry is reeling.

“Louis what do you mean?” He asks carefully.

Louis giggles again and it sounds so hollow, like he’s faking it. Harry wonders how long it’s sounded that way and when he stopped noticing.

“I was dead for a minute Harold,” he says slowly, like Harry’s stupid. “Proper scared mum, and Zayn didn’t stop crying for weeks and my sisters had no clue what was happening. Probably should’ve sprung for some rope, or something more stable than my sheets at least. That’s why I’m still here, y’know that? It snapped after a bit and I fell and the found me, or at least that's what everyone says. I don’t remember of course, because I was dead.”

He laughs his hollow laugh again and the world feels like it’s moving under Harry’s feet.

It takes only a second and then Harry puts it all together. He feels sick to his stomach when he realizes what Louis is telling him. When his drunken boyfriend goes back to dribbling the ball across the field, Harry stumbles into the bushes and empties his stomach.

All he can see in his head is Louis, all he can imagine is Louis. Louis dead, his lips blue, a sheet around his neck and alone. Louis killing himself.

 _What the fuck_ , he thinks.

Liam answers on the second ring and he sounds frantic and Harry gets it now. He understands why they watch him the way they do, why they track his movements with nervous eyes, why their doors have no locks and pill bottles line Louis’ bedside table.

And god he’s such a fucking idiot.

“Harry thank god,” Liam breathes. “Have you seen Louis? We can’t find him anywhere.”

Harry frowns. “How long ago did he do it,” he asks softly. “Because it didn’t seem like he’s suicidal to me, but then again how would I know? I haven’t noticed shit have I?

Liam lets out a deep breath. “Harry listen,” he tries.

“I thought I was in love with him,” Harry laughs, watching Louis kick the ball up and hit it off his head not so gracefully. “But I don’t know him, do I Liam? I don’t really know anything about him.”

“He was going to tell you Harry, honestly he was. He was just scared what you’d think of him.”

Harry wipes at his eyes furiously and tries not to feel how badly this hurts. “I’m such an idiot,” he whispers to himself. “Niall’s right, I have this fucking complex, this stupid idea that I have to save everyone. But it always ends up this way, in fucking lies. No one that I love ever wants my help.”

There’s nothing but silence on the other end. Harry watches Louis collapse on the ground, laughing drunkenly up at the sky and holding onto his stomach.

_Not everyone can be fixed. Not everyone wants to be fixed._

“We’re at the park down the block. You should come get him before he sobers up.”

Harry hangs up before Liam can think of a reply.

 

_I love you all but sometimes I feel like love isn’t enough to justify you accepting what I’ve done to you. All the lies I’ve told and the hurt I’ve caused, the cold way I’ve treated you all over the past few years, the fights and the mean things I’ve said. I’m not a good person and god knows the world doesn’t need any more awful people._

_I don’t deserve to be here. I’m not sure I ever did. I don’t want to be here anymore, I don’t want to hurt you anymore._ I _don’t want to hurt anymore._

_I’m sorry this is what it came to. Please don’t blame yourselves. I love you all so much._

_-Louis_

 

For the next few days Harry ignores everyone. He makes himself a cocoon of blankets in bed and watches all of _Orange Is the New Black_ by himself.

He gets calls and messages from everyone he knows. Technically he doesn’t start his new job until next week and he had some shoots booked, but they quickly replaced him when he called saying he wouldn’t be showing up. Niall calls what feels like hourly to check up and he spends the nights there, cuddling Harry close though they hardly speak.

Gemma calls him three days later.

“You watched all of it?” She asks angrily.

Harry sighs, wiping at his eyes. “I’ve had a shit few days Gems.”

Her voice is instantly softer when she speaks again. “Are you okay?” she asks. “Do you need me to do anything?”

Harry smiles. “No,” he says. “But I actually have a favor to ask?”

“Of course Harry, anything.”

He hesitates for a moment, almost doesn’t say anything, but then he nods to himself. “Would you go with me to see Mum?” he ask, his voice cracking partway through. “I can’t go alone.”

Gemma’s breath hitches and when she speaks Harry can hear her smile. “Absolutely Harry.”

 

Louis’ therapist looks like she’s sucked a few lemons before his appointment. With her ever pursed lips she continues to stare at him while he looks just about anywhere else.

“Louis, no one expects you to be entirely okay,” she says. “It’s only been a year. The progress you’ve made is remarkable.”

It’s snowing outside. Louis keeps his eyes on the window while he admits, “I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress at all.”

His therapist jumps at that tidbit of information and runs with it. While she lists all of the bullshit things Louis has accomplished, everything he’s managed to do again in the past year after he entered treatment, he thinks about Harry. He thinks about the fact that Harry hasn’t replied to a single one of his texts since Liam and Zayn dragged his drunken ass home and Harry walked away. Yesterday he finally broke down and went to Harry’s flat, but it was Niall who answered.

All he did was smile sadly, tell Louis that Harry really wasn’t up for talking, and shut the door.

It’s not that Louis had expected Harry to just accept what he’d done, but he hadn’t expected Harry would just completely shut him out like this without so much as a word. Yeah, maybe back when they first met he had but not now, not after the time they’ve spent together. Not after Louis actually let him in and fell for him.

“Louis?” His therapist asks, trying to get his attention back.

He sighs and turns to her. “How do you know when you’re in love,” he asks. “Do you think it’s just something that sneaks up on you one day? Like one moment you’re watching him make you eggs and dance to shitty pop music in his pajamas at ten in the morning and the next you’re imagining the rest of your life together. Is that love or infatuation?”

She looks stunned, probably because that's the most Louis has ever said all at once. “I think it’s something you just know for yourself,” she says. “And I think that if you’re asking that question you already know the answer.”

Louis simply nods and goes back to watching the snow fall.

 

Harry is about to push the door to his building open when someone tugs it open from the other side. He freezes when he sees that it’s Zayn and Louis, but neither of them have noticed him yet.

“I’ll be up soon,” Louis’s saying. “Just gonna have a smoke.”

Zayn frowns. “Are you alright?” He asks, reaching over to squeeze Louis’ shoulder.

“I’m fine,” he replies.

Neither Harry nor Zayn believe it which is obvious from the look on Zayn’s face. Instead of pushing it, Zayn nods and opens the door wider. When he spots Harry his eyes go wide. In an instant the door is slamming shut behind him and he’s backing Harry up against a wall.

“What the fuck is wrong with you,” he growls. “How could you just fucking disappear like that on him? You’re a prick you know that?”

Harry blinks and then shakes his head. “Zayn, I’m sorry,” he mutters. “I’m just trying to deal with it okay? He’s…I was falling in love with him. I’m trying to understand why he’d lie to me for so long, why he wouldn’t say anything. I’m trying to understand how he could’ve done that at all. It’s a lot to stomach Zayn, I needed time.”

“Yeah, but you still should’ve at least fucking told him that,” Zayn seethes. “He thinks you hate him. Fix it Styles, now before I think better of letting you.”

With one last withering glare, Zayn heads up the stairs. Harry stands in the hall and takes a few deep breaths. As soon as he’s sure he’s not going to burst into tears or anything, he walks outside.

Louis is leaning against the building, head tilted towards the sky, cigarette dangling between his lips. He pulls it away with a sigh, breathing out slowly. Not for the first time, Harry thinks about how beautiful Louis is. He watches the way his bright eyes catch the light, the sharpness of his cheekbones and the column of his neck when he tilts his head to take another drag of his cigarette.

“Hey Lou,” Harry says softly.

Louis winces away like he’s been struck, but his face doesn’t portray any surprise or hurt. It stays as blank as it has been.

“Hello Harry,”

There are so many things Harry wants to say, like _I’m sorry I don’t understand._

Or, _I think I could love you._

Maybe, _When I look at you I know that there’s nothing more I could ever want._

Instead he asks, “Would you come with me to see my mother?”

For a moment Louis says nothing, just finishes his cigarette. He drops it to the sidewalk and crushes it under his foot carefully before finally meeting Harry’s eyes. He looks so tired and almost like he’s been crying. Harry feels awful.

“What?”

“My mum,” Harry continues. “She’s in rehab. I haven’t seen her since I was seventeen and my sister is driving me there today and I…”

When Harry’s voice cracks and he trails off, Louis’ eyes soften. He stuffs his fidgeting hands into his jacket pockets-Harry’s jacket of course-and tilts his head. “But you what?”

“But I’m scared,” Harry admits. “And I’d really just like to have you there with me.”

Louis crosses his arms over his chest and rubs his arms like he’s cold. His fingertips are pink and his shoes are scuffing against the sidewalk and Harry thinks this is what falling in love feels like. Nothing is remarkable about the way Louis stands, the way he nervously bites his bottom lip or the way he avoids Harry’s eyes, but it’s everything. Louis is absolutely everything.

The sound of a car pulling up breaks the silence and Harry pastes on a smile when he sees Gemma parking alongside them and getting out. She eyes Louis skeptically but still smiles at Harry when she sees him.

“Hey H. You ready to go?”

“I’m coming too,” Louis blurts out suddenly. “Hope you don’t mind.”

It almost makes Harry want to cry when Louis walks over and grabs his hand, squeezing it tightly. Harry squeezes back.

“Gems, this is Louis. Louis, this is my sister Gemma.”

The second it all clicks for her, Gemma beams. “Oh so _this_ is Louis,” she laughs. “Well come on then Louis, we have quite a drive.”

Louis leads Harry to the car with a sudden confidence he’s apparently pulled from nowhere. They both get in the back together, mostly because Harry never wants to let go of Louis’ hand again. He has so much apologizing and explaining to do, but he’s missed just being near Louis so badly it hurts.

Gemma gives them an odd look in the rearview mirror, but then just shakes her head and starts the car again.

There’s a few moments of tense silence where Harry has no clue what to say, if anything, but then Louis is shuffling around. He leans closer and carefully rests his head on Harry’s shoulder, arms intertwined and hands still clasped together.

“I’m sorry,” Harry whispers.

Louis shakes his head. “Not now,” he says, his thumb drifting across Harry’s hand. “It’s going to be okay, yeah? I’ll be right there with you the whole time.”

Harry just nods back and tugs Louis’ closer. Eventually the rocking of Gemma’s old car on the road lulls Louis to sleep and he goes slack, cheek pressed to Harry’s chest. The lavender circles under his eyes seem darker than normal and Harry feels awful because he knows that’s his fault.

“Well he doesn’t say much does he?” Gemma asks quietly.

Harry shrugs, careful not to jostle Louis too much. “He doesn’t have to.”

His sister shoots him a knowing smile over her shoulder. “I think I’ll like him,” she says. “He seems sweet, and he hasn’t let go of your hand yet.”

That makes Harry smile. “Why is that a good thing?”

Gemma’s still grinning when she looks back out at the road. “Because he knows you need him and he isn’t letting go, not even in his sleep.”

Harry blushes bright red and ducks his head down to avoid her knowing looks. Instead he focuses on Louis’ even breaths fanning across his neck and the press of their knees against each other.

The rehab center looks clinical and has a faint hospital smell that instantly makes Harry uncomfortable. He doesn’t like hospitals, never has. They remind him too much of all the times Gemma had to go collect their mother from A&E and he was forced to come along because there was no one around to watch him.

Louis seems jittery about it as well, maybe even more so than Harry is. After they sign in at the door a man comes to start explaining how long Harry’s allowed in to visit and what he can and can’t do, and Louis is squeezing Harry’s hand in a vice grip.

“Hate these places,” he murmurs when the man finally leaves to talk to Gemma. “I don’t know how I ever made it through.”

Harry tries not to show any reaction to that piece of information.

“Okay Harry,” Gemma says to him quietly. “Louis and I are going to stay out here while you go in. You need time to talk to her alone.”

At that, Harry freezes up. This wasn’t what he was expecting, he doesn’t want to go in alone. He needs to have Gemma there to buffer, he wants Louis to hold his hand. There’s no way he can do this on his own, no fucking way.

“Harold,” Louis says sharply. “Breathe.”

Harry does, going slowly like Louis’ coaches him too until he no longer hears the sound of his heart beating in his ears. “I’m okay,” he murmurs.

“You’re brilliant,” Louis says seriously. “We’ll be right out here if you need us, okay? You don’t have to stay a moment longer than you want to love. It’s not as scary as it seems, I promise.”

That makes Harry smile. “It seems pretty damn scary.”

“Well you’ve got me to protect you, so don’t worry,” Louis says, and he’s smiling now as well which makes Harry feel so much better. “You alright?”

Harry nods. “I think I’m okay.”

“You are,” Louis insists, and then he’s tilting up to a press a short sweet kiss to Harry’s lips. “For luck.”

When Harry’s shown to the visitor’s room he’s still smiling.

No one is there yet so he decides to sit down at a table and take a few deep breaths. It’s still far too sterile for him to feel comfortable, but he at least tries. There’s a clock on the wall that seems to be ticking abnormally slow, every second feeling like an eternity. Just when he’s considering texting Louis and begging him to come in, the door is opening and someone is cautiously walking in.

Harry jumps to his feet so fast that the chair he was sitting in falls to the ground.

She doesn’t look anything like she did the last time Harry saw her. The last time Harry saw his mother she hadn’t even looked human, she was skin and bones, her eyes bloodshot and sunken in, her arms were bruised and bloody more often than not. She looked so close to death that Harry selfishly wished she just would.

Now she’s still skinny, but Harry can’t pick out every rib through her shirt. There’s still bags under her eyes but they don’t look like bruises against her skin any longer. Her arms are scarred but healing.

And when she smiles at him Harry sees her again. For the first time in so many years he sees his mum.

“Harry,” she whispers, her voice cracking.

Harry smiles through the tears in his eyes and practically collapses into her arms. He so much taller than she is now but he can hug her without feeling like she’s going to crack in his arms and that just makes him cry harder. While he sobs against her shoulder, she just holds him close.

“It’s alright baby,” she whispers. “I’m sorry Harry, I’m so sorry. I love you so much.”

Harry hiccups through his tears and crushes her as close as he can. “Mum,” he whimpers. “I missed you. I love you, I’m so sorry.”

“I know baby, I know,” she says, and she’s crying now as well. “It’s my fault. You tried so hard darling, you did. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Hearing her say that lifts an insurmountable weight off Harry’s shoulders and for the first time in so long he feels like he can breathe.

“I think we have a lot to talk about,” she whispers to him, and Harry agrees.

 

While they wait for Harry, Louis and Gemma buy snacks from a vending machine and sit in the lobby together.

“So, Harry seems to really like you,” Gemma says out of nowhere.

The words surprise Louis so much that he chokes on his water a bit. Gemma smirks and patiently waits for him to get his breath back.

“We’re sort of together,” he says. “I mean, we were. I don’t know what he thinks anymore.”

Gemma frowns. “Are you having a fight or something? He’s been wallowing about something for days now, I figured it was about his job.”

Louis frowns back at her. “His job?”

“Yeah, his contract was up and he didn’t renew it,” Gemma says. “He didn’t say anything to you about it?”

“No, he did,” Louis says, because Harry has hinted at quitting quite a few times over the past few weeks but Louis never really took him seriously. “He did it then? Did he get the job at the book shop?”

Gemma nods. “He seemed really excited about it but then he just sort of got all sad, but if you’re fighting then I guess that would explain it.”

“It’s not really a fight,” Louis says softly. “I think he just needed some time to sort out what he wants.”

Louis feels awful. Harry had enough stress in his life without adding Louis’ shit into the mix. Over the past few days he’s considered Harry might just decide to be done with him and now the fear is more present than ever.

They lapse back into silence and Louis reaches for his phone.

 **(Liam 3:43 PM)** where’d u go love?

 **(Louis 4:00 PM)** Talked to Harry. his mums in rehab and he wanted me to go with him to see her. they havent spoken in years.

 **(Liam 4:01 PM)** christ lou. are you alright? is he being nice to you?

 **(Louis 4:01 PM)** of course he is Li its still Harry. I think he’s going to leave me though.

While Louis waits for a reply a doctor pulls Gemma aside. She returns smiling.

“He’s coming back,” she says happily. “Her doctor thinks it went really well.”

Louis smiles as best he can. “I’m glad he’s okay,” he says honestly.

On cue the door opens and Harry walks back in. His face is blotchy and he’s still crying a bit. He collapses into Gemma’s arms and they hug each other tightly for a little while. Louis phone buzzes in his pocket and he checks it quickly.

 **(Liam 4:05 PM)** Lou he isnt going to leave you. You both need to have a talk and straighten everything out and im not going to let you destroy this before you get to do that. Listen to him, make him listen to you. You’re good for each other and you deserve him.

“Louis?”

Louis looks up and finds Harry looking at him nervously. Louis smiles and gets up, Harry catching him around the waist and pulling him into a hug before he’s even fully standing up. They stay stuck together like that for quite a bit, Louis holding Harry tight while Harry nuzzles into his neck and cries softly.

“Thank you” he whispers.

Louis shakes his head. “You don’t have to thank me.”

Instead of answering Harry just clutches him tighter and nods like he understands.

 

Gemma drops the two of them off at their building with a cheery goodbye and a wink in Louis’ direction. Before they go inside and inevitably walk away from one another, Harry tries to think of a way to tell Louis what he needs.

“I think we should talk,” Louis announces.

Without a glance in Harry’s direction Louis walks up to the building and lets himself in. Harry catches up to him and they quietly walk up to his flat together, Louis picking at a thread hanging off his jacket the entire way up instead of looking at him.

Harry fishes his keys from his coat pocket and opens the door to his flat. When he doesn’t hear the usual sound of Louis throwing his jacket and shoes anywhere he pleases, he turns to find Louis standing at the doorway hesitantly. It breaks his heart.

“You can come in Lou,” he murmurs.

Louis nods and steps inside. He quietly toes his shoes off and leaves them laying on the floor, soon shedding his jacket and letting it do the same.

“You probably have a lot of questions right?”

When Harry nods Louis just sighs and heads to the kitchen. There’s the quiet click of the kettle and the clink of mugs and Harry decides to wait in his room instead of standing outside the kitchen listening in on Louis making him tea.

Minutes later Louis walks in with a mug in each hand and a blank expression on his face. He’s handing Harry his tea when his gaze drops to the bedside table and he suddenly laughs.

“Is this the book you were talking about?” he asks, reaching for it.

Harry nods. “It’s beautiful Louis, you should read it. The ending killed me though.”

Louis laughs again and opens to the middle of the book, tracing his fingers over the pages. “Christ,” he says. “It’s god awful.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Harry demands.

Louis sighs and shakes his head, tossing the book down onto the bed. “I should probably start with this, yeah?”

Harry is still incredibly confused but he shrugs anyway. Louis nods and sits down beside him on the bed. He sips at his tea a couple of times before continuing on with what he has to say.

“I started writing it in uni,” he says, gesturing towards the book and not waiting for Harry to react. “It went so well, too well probably. I’d never been able to do that before, just write and finish something so quickly. That could be why it’s such shit, I didn’t take the time I needed to be happy with it.”

Harry gapes at him. “You’re lying,” he says automatically. “You’re saying that’s your book, you wrote that?”

“Well I’m not exactly proud of it, but yes. That’s my baby I sent off into the world just to watch it fail.”

There’s a moment where Harry’s sure Louis’s fucking with him, but when Louis doesn’t laugh or do anything other than stare at his tea it starts to make sense. Louis’s a writer, he knows that, and he’s told Harry before that he hasn’t written in awhile which would make sense considering the book came out almost two years ago. There’s also the fact that Louis looks so distraught over it that Harry can’t help but believe him.

“Louis it-it didn’t fail, did it? I mean, it was a best seller and people love it.”

Louis sighs. “It isn’t entirely terrible, I guess there are things I like about it. I’m proud of the ending.”

Harry wrinkles his nose at that. “That is absolutely cruel. Do I get to know what happens?”

Louis smiles at him. “It ended the way it was meant to Harry,” he says. “I suppose maybe I put too much of myself into it, the ending was just how I felt at the time. Like I was standing at the edge of everything and there was nothing to hold me back from falling.

“I signed on for a sequel though, I’m sure you saw that. My agent convinced me to, she thought it was a great idea. I don’t blame her for everything that happened afterward, not like everyone else does. She had no idea what was going on with me because I never told her, I never told anyone until it was too late. It was my fault for not being able to say no to the money, to the security, to people reading and loving what I wrote like I’ve been wanting them too since I was a kid. But it was too much and I was never good at asking for help.”

“Is that…I’m sorry,” Harry sighs. “I’m so bad at this.”

“I don’t many people who are good at it, my love,” Louis smiles and eyes the window in the corner of the room. “Do you mind?” He asks, pulling a pack of cigarettes from his pocket.

Normally Harry would say no, mostly because the smell of the smoke tickles at his nose and makes him sneeze and sticks to everything, but Louis’ hands are trembling and he looks like he might break at any moment. As much as he hates it Harry nods and watches Louis run off to the window. He pries it open and in under a second is breathing a large plume of smoke out into the air.

“My mum was still pregnant with the twins,” he murmurs, turning to lean back against the wall with his cigarette hanging out the window. “I was living by myself by then, Zayn and I had found separate flats about a year before. That was probably a bad idea looking back on it, but I didn’t want to bother him anymore. I didn’t want to bother anyone anymore. I stopped going out and stopped talking to my friends, I spent all of my time trying to force myself to write and wondering what the hell was wrong with me.”

He stops talking and glances over at Harry, his eyes searching for something. Harry nods and tries not to cry.

“It was too much I think,” Louis laughs. “Life, I mean. I couldn’t handle it anymore and so I just stopped.”

“What do you mean stopped?” Harry asks quietly.

Louis takes another drag before he answers, tilting his head so the smoke doesn’t come into Harry’s room. His fingers that aren’t curled around the cigarette are tapping an unsteady rhythm against the windowsill, still shaking slightly.

“I didn’t do things like I used to,” he admits. “Not just ignoring people, I stopped doing normal shit like cleaning my flat. I didn’t shower, I forgot to eat for days on end, and I never wrote a word. All I did at that point was lay in bed and cry and wish I was dead. By the end I wasn’t even recognizable anymore. Everyone blames themselves for not noticing something was wrong with me, but it had been building up for years and years. I think what really did it, what finally made me realize that living just wasn’t worth it, was that I couldn’t make myself write anymore. I didn’t have anything besides that, it was the only thing I was ever sure of and suddenly it was gone. I fucking failed.”

While Louis finishes his cigarette Harry reaches for his now cold cup of tea. He downs what’s left of it, cringing at the taste. Louis never puts enough sugar in.

“You’ll rot your teeth,” Louis says from across the room like he’s read Harry’s mind.

Harry raises his eyebrows and glances at his now empty hand. “You’re one to talk.”

“Yeah, I do need to stop,” Louis admits. “Nasty habit, that. It drives Liam absolutely mad.”

“Did you meet him um-after?”

Louis barks out a laugh. “You mean after I tried killing myself?” He smiles at Harry’s blushing cheeks and stands up. The window slams shut and Louis walks back over to the bed, sitting down gingerly beside Harry.

“Li was my roommate at the hospital,” he explains. “They made me go there after they decided I wasn’t going to die or anything and I absolutely hated him at first, but he grows on you. He got me through so much, sometimes I don’t think I’d still be here if he wasn’t constantly looking out for me. Especially in the early days.”

There are so many questions in Harry’s head, so many things he wants to ask, but mostly it’s just why. Why did Louis do it, why didn’t anyone help him, why does he still hurt like this? But instead of saying any of that he says, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have shut you out like I did, I should’ve given you a chance to explain. I’m so fucking sorry Louis.”

“It’s okay Harry,” Louis murmurs. “It’s a lot to deal with, I know that. If you still need some time away then I understand. Or if you just-if you want to be done with me then that’s okay too.”

Harry shakes his head immediately and reaches out, his hand dropping onto Louis’. “I don’t want to leave you. I want to understand, even though I know I probably never will. I wouldn’t leave you over something like this Louis, of course I wouldn’t. You mean too much to me.”

Louis sniffles and angrily wipes at his eyes to stop his tears. “But it’s disgusting. I’m disgusting, and now every time you look at me that’s what you’re going to think about. Poor Louis, poor sad disgusting Louis who couldn’t handle his life and fucking failed at everything. I even failed at killing myself, I mean how hard is that to do?”

Harry winces at the thought, but he soon recovers and reaches for Louis. They fall together, Louis holding Harry around the waist and Harry’s lips pressed to Louis’ forehead. Harry pulls the quilt over both of them and just holds him.

“That isn’t what I’m going to think,” he whispers. “Because when I look at you I think, christ he’s fucking beautiful. I think about how lucky I am that you’re mine. I think how extraordinary and funny and just brilliant you are. Nothing could ever change that, Louis.”

Louis shakes his head. “It’s a lot to deal with-”

“It is, which is why you shouldn’t have to do it alone,” Harry says softly. “You aren’t alone Louis. I want to understand, I want to try. Please let me try.”

They fall silent but Louis’ hands are restless, fingers playing with Harry’s shirt and tapping on his stomach. Finally he presses his forehead to Harry’s neck and takes a deep breath.

“Gemma told me you quit.”

Harry hates the subject change but he goes with it, because that might just be what Louis needs right now. “Yeah, I did. It wasn’t what made me happy anymore. I think-I think I might go to uni.” He hasn’t actually told anyone the last part, he’s sort of just been thinking about it to himself and trying to decide if that was what he wanted.

“Yeah?” Louis asks, tilting his head up and smiling. “You’ll do brilliantly, love. Photography, right?”

“I think so,” Harry says, smiling back because Louis remembered.

Louis kisses him, pulling him in and resting his hand against Harry’s cheek. “I’m glad you got to see your mum today,” he whispers when they pull apart.

“Thank you for being there.”

“Always,” Louis promises, and then hesitantly he admits, “I don’t think I want to be alone anymore.”

Harry rests his hand on Louis’ hip and kisses his closed eyelids. “Me neither,” he whispers.

Instead of a response, Louis just pulls himself closer to Harry and intertwines their fingers. Across the back of Harry’s hand he draws lines and patterns, constellations and stars, words that are lost between them but that still mean everything. Louis is everything, Harry thinks, and he never wants to let go.

 

It hits Louis like a fucking sledgehammer one afternoon.

They’ve just returned from visiting Harry’s mum and the boy is all smiles. He’s buzzing around Louis’ empty flat, Molly following closely at his heels. The entire drive back was spent listening to Harry go on and on about how well his mother is doing, about how soon she’ll be able to move into a house with other former addicts and hopefully she’ll be able to start a job and get her life back on track.

It’s been three months since they visited her for the first time and Harry has become far less skeptical about his mother’s recovery. It’s amazing to watch and Louis loves seeing the look on his face when they leave from their weekly visits with good news from her doctors.

Louis loves _Harry_.

Everything grinds to a halt. Somewhere in the background Louis can Harry talking about what they should have for dinner tonight, but everything’s sort of melting into a blur around him.

He loves Harry. Louis loves Harry and he doesn’t know why it’s taken him this long to realize it. All of the signs were there and have been for weeks.

They’re hardly ever apart, and when they are it’s never for very long before they start to miss one another. Louis spends more nights than not sitting behind Harry in his bed, playing with his curls and coaxing him through his studies, assuring him that he hasn’t thrown his life away by starting over. At three in the morning you can almost always find them together, Harry asleep in Louis’ lap with his face pressed to Louis’ stomach, Louis writing with one hand and gently massaging Harry’s scalp with the other.

If you were to venture into Harry’s bedroom you’d find Louis’ clothes strewn about, because even though Harry has given him his very own drawer to try to keep things tidy Louis never listens. Harry’s fruit smelling shampoo has taken up a permanent residence in Louis’ shower and Louis’ toothbrush lays at the edge of Harry’s sink as always.

And god, Louis loves him. He loves falling into bed together at night in a fit of giggles and waking up to find Harry gently playing with his hair and whispering sweet words to him. He loves admiring Harry from across the room when he lays around in nothing but Louis’ jumper and studies his books for school so seriously, his eyebrows pulling together and a little frown on his lips. Louis even loves when Harry encourages him, or so he calls it, by holding Louis’ book aloft and reading loudly from it until Louis manages to tackle him down and kiss him.

A day would be a complete waste if it wasn’t spent in Harry’s arms, and Louis often finds himself braving the streets and crowds alone to visit Harry at work just so they can have lunch together in the bookshop. Harry always says it makes his day and Louis would say that’s a bit of an exaggeration but he’s seen the way Harry’s eyes light up when he catches sight of Louis at the door.

Louis loves that Harry is trying so hard, just like he promised. He understands that some days Louis just can’t laugh, can’t leave the house or even his bed. They spend those days together as well, Harry laying down beside him with plenty of tea and Molly in his lap. Louis isn’t afraid to cry on Harry’s shoulder anymore, and when he has his occasional panic attack Harry is always right there with him to remind him to breathe and hold him tight. Harry never pushes him for answers, which Louis appreciates more than anything else.

When they go out Harry makes sure to stay at Louis’ side, one arm always wrapped around Louis’ waist, making sure Louis knows he’s still there and he isn’t going anywhere. Anyone who glances their way knows immediately who Harry is with and he never seems to care about that. When they skype with Louis’ family together Harry stays right at his side, proud to be Louis’ boyfriend. Harry’s mum loves Louis when they meet, and she quietly admits to him one day that she wishes she could have taken care of Harry half as well as Louis does. Gemma has grown close to Louis as well and Louis feels that there’s no greater approval than hers.

Louis loves Harry and it’s been so obvious for so long but he was just too scared to admit it to himself. He was too scared but he isn’t anymore and he can’t keep this in.

“Lou?” Harry’s gentle voice coaxes. “Lou, baby are you alright?”

Everything snaps back into focus all at once. Harry is standing in front of him now, eyes dark and concerned, love bite still prominent against his collarbone from last night, hands hovering at Louis’ waist. He’s so beautiful and Louis loves him so much.

“I love you,” Louis breathes, and he ignores the way Harry’s breath catches in favor of continuing on. “I’m so in love with you Harry. Fuck, I’m sorry this is such a shitty thing to spring on you out of nowhere I-”

“I love you too,” Harry interrupts, his hands finally coming down on Louis’ waist. He’s grinning like a madman and a giggle escapes his lips when he speaks again. “God you idiot, of course I love you. Haven’t you noticed?”

Louis isn’t really sure what he was expecting but he’s still shocked. He shakes his head. “No, I haven’t noticed. Why would I notice?”

“Because literally everyone else besides you has,” Harry laughs. “The boys have been placing bets on how long it’d be before you figured it out. Gemma asks me everyday if I’ve told you yet. I was just-I was so afraid you didn’t feel the same yet.”

Louis immediately surges forward and kisses him. They come together like they have so many times before, but it’s so much different now. It’s almost like a weight has been lifted off both of them and Harry isn’t holding back anymore. Neither is Louis for that matter, and he proves it by pulling Harry closer and sinking his teeth into Harry’s bottom lip.

“I’m yours,” he whispers, his heart beating in his ears. “Say you’re mine.”

Harry steadies himself by backing Louis up against the wall and cradling his face in his hands. He drags his fingertips across Louis’ lips, drifts them over his chin and nose, his cheekbones and his eyes. Harry’s beautiful eyes trace over every one of Louis’ features like he’s thinking about something and then he’s pressing their lips together once more. It’s a soft tender kiss that lasts hardly a second but feels like forever.

“I’m yours,” Harry promises. “Always.”

It is so much more than he ever could have hoped for. The Louis who thought he had nothing to live for seems so far away now, because this Louis has everything. He has friends and family who love him, a cat who tolerates him, a job where he can write whatever his heart desires and a life that he wants to live to its fullest. He has laughter and happiness and love, so much love, but most of all he has Harry.

And Harry is everything.


	2. epilogue

_Two Years Later_

 

Harry checks his watch and swears. He was supposed to be outside ten minutes ago but his professor is off on a tirade about the most overrated photographers of all time. Nick had warned him about art school but Harry hadn’t listened, convinced it’d be all fun and picture taking. Listening to an aging man berate him and fifty other students on the art of photography wasn’t really what he had been expecting.

Finally the professor digresses and they’re all free to go. Instead of hanging around to get coffee with his mates like he normally would, Harry bolts from the lecture hall and runs out to where Louis said he’d be waiting.

And there he is just as he promised, sitting in the drivers side of Liam’s car and staring out at the other cars that pass by him. Harry beams and sprints for the car, tossing his bag in the backseat before jumping in.

“Hey, sorry I’m late.”

Louis takes his eyes off the road and smiles at him. “You look beautiful, baby,” he whispers, leaning in for a kiss.

Harry pulls away with a laugh and carefully smooths out his blazer. “I feel like a kid whose mum’s made him dress up for church,” he admits.

That coaxes a laugh out of Louis, but he’s soon back to biting at his lip and tapping a nervous rhythm on the steering wheel. He pulls away from the curb without another word but he lets Harry take one of his hands in his own.

“It’ll be wonderful,” Harry says quite seriously. “And everyone will love it and be insanely jealous that they haven’t met you.”

Louis smirks. “Well, they will meet me,” he points out. “They just won’t know it’s me.”

“You enjoy that far too much,” Harry teases.

Louis ignores him in favor of bringing their hands up and biting down lightly on Harry’s knuckle and laughing.

They spend the rest of the drive blasting the radio and talking about Harry’s day. On top of going to school full time, Harry’s now Nick’s part time assistant. That along with the fact that he still helps Jane out at the bookshop now and then makes it so he and Louis can afford a flat for themselves and Molly. It’s nowhere near the amount of money he was making before he quit modeling and sometimes Harry wonders if Louis chips in more than his fair share of rent without saying anything, but he’s so much happier now.

Harry and Niall had shared a flat up until six months ago when Louis had quietly asked him if he’d like to move in together. It made sense of course, Zayn was finished with school and was moving out of his and Louis’ flat, Niall was heading out to start work at a recording studio he’d been temping at, and Liam had finally broken down and made the move there as well so he wouldn’t need somewhere to sleep when he visited anymore. But despite the fact that it made sense and despite the fact that was what everyone expected of them at that point, it was still a hard decision to make.

Louis is a lot better now than he had been, but he still worries about the day Harry will grow sick of him and Harry knows that. He hasn’t of course, not even a little bit, but Harry can still see it in Louis’ eyes sometimes when they have little arguments. More often than not it ends with Louis telling Harry to leave and Harry refusing until Louis finally breaks down and agrees to talk about it rationally. Nothing could tear Harry away from Louis, he knows that this is right where he was always meant to be, right by Louis’ side day after day and night after night.

Harry loves Louis more now than he did two years ago, even though he was so sure that would never be possible.

For the party Louis had picked the old bookshop which had sent Jane into a flurry of excitement and worry. She had been grateful of course when she had gotten the letter in the mail that informed her William Darling wanted to release his long awaited second novel in her shop, but she’s spent the weeks since trying to make the place perfect.

Louis of course finds it hilarious, but he’s kept his mouth shut so far and hasn’t said a word about how the mysterious write she’s trying to impress so hard is just him.

The tiny shop is decorated with fair lights Harry had painstakingly helped put up the night before and stacks of Louis’ new book Strong lay amongst the stacks of used books. Music is playing softly in the background and people are crammed in everywhere. Harry spots a few faces he recognizes, namely Louis’ editor and his agent, but besides that it’s mostly important people and a few fans who have won a contest and are holding on to their new books like they might be stolen away at any moment.

Louis clutches Harry’s hand tightly when they walk in. He takes one look around the room of people and immediately turns his face against Harry’s shoulder.

“Please tell me it’ll be okay,” he whispers.

Harry presses a kiss to his temple and whispers, “It’ll be wonderful. Everyone is going to love it, Louis.”

Louis stays pressed to him for a moment, just breathing and collecting himself like he sometimes does when he’s stressed. Then, he nods and pulls away with a genuine smile instead of the sad hollow one he uses in public sometimes. “I love you,” he says. “I couldn’t have done any of this without you.”

He says that all the time but Harry knows he hasn’t done anything. “You’re brilliant,” he reminds Louis. “You did this, Louis. All of these people are here because of you, because they know how brilliant you are. I love you.”

The words seem to ground Louis and he nods. He takes a deep breath, kisses Harry’s cheek, and then quietly pulls away to go greet his agent. Harry watches him go with the most ridiculous proud smile on his face. That’s his boy, he thinks while Louis laughs and jokes with the people around him, immediately drawing everyone in with his wit and charm.

Harry gravitates towards the coffee bar where he finds all three boys talking over a full plate of pastries. “Did you steal that entire tray?” he asks.

Niall spots him first and bursts into laughter. “Wait, let me guess-you made them?”

Harry pouts and reaches for a scone. “So what if I did,” he grumbles. “Baking is a great stress reliever you know, and they’re Louis’ favorite.”

While both Niall and Zayn laugh at him, Liam gives him a good natured smile. “They’re really good Harry. You should probably try to calm down a bit though, you look more nervous than Louis does.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Harry mutters while they all laugh at him.

The four of them get to talking about the book and how much they all liked it until Liam mentions that Zayn has a new girlfriend which leads to them teasing and prodding him for information. When Louis arrives they’re fighting over which character in the book is based off of them. Liam drops the conversation immediately and Louis is soon running into his open arms.

“Baby,” Liam sighs, hugging him tight and pressing a kiss to Louis’ forehead. “God, I am so proud of you.”

Louis laughs and Harry watches the way he holds onto Liam so tight his knuckles turn white. He got over his jealousy sometime in the past two years, but it especially helped when Liam took him aside one day to tell him how happy it made him to see Louis happy and how much he loved Harry for that. Things were a lot easier after that.

Still, the two of them still have their secrets and no one understands why they both laugh when Louis says, “I’ve got one of your hearts in my wallet for good luck.”

“Alright Li, let him go it’s my turn,” Niall says, quickly crushing Louis into a hug next.

When Louis finally returns to Harry’s side his face is red but he’s smiling.

“Are you okay?” Harry whispers into his ear while they listen to Niall go on about his new job.

Louis breathes out a long sigh and then nods. “I’m okay,” he says firmly, as if he’s reminding himself of that as well. “It’s just a lot of people but…I think they like the book.”

The last part is more of a question than anything else and Louis quickly looks up at Harry for confirmation. Harry nods of course an leans down to kiss him. “It’s amazing. They’d be crazy not to love it.”

Louis’ smile grows and he lets Harry pull him into his arms easily. The rest of the evening passes in a blur of soft laughter and praise for Louis’ novel by just about everyone. Harry knew it would do well of course, Louis has spent the last two years of his life writing and rewriting and perfecting it and making Harry read it over and over again until he was finally happy with it. And maybe Louis won’t ever think he’s brilliant, but Harry knows he is and he intends to remind Louis of it every chance he gets.

They’re mingling with the fans and people from the publishing house when they walk by a couple of people having a conversation about the Fireproof sequel that never happened. Louis had told Harry before the party that he knew it would happen eventually and that he was okay with it, but his face still flames red.

“You’re wonderful,” Harry reminds him. “What you write is your choice and no one else’s.”

Louis nods, definitely used to hearing that speech by now. “I love you,” he says.

It doesn’t matter how many times Louis says it, and he does say it often, Harry never tires of hearing that Louis loves him. He can never decide what he likes better, hearing Louis say it in a crowded room where everyone can hear and give them soft knowing smiles, or hearing it whispered to him when Louis thinks he’s still asleep and it doesn’t matter if he or anyone else hears it because it’s still the truth.

“I love you too,” Harry says. “Always.”

Louis smiles and pulls Harry into a kiss that turns into Harry spinning Louis in a large circle and practically knocking down an entire display of his own books. Jane sees and shouts and affronted Oi!, but Harry ignores her in favor of giving Louis another kiss.

“Let’s bail,” Louis murmurs.

Harry smiles. “It’s your party,” he whispers back.

Louis clasps their hands together and tugs. Without a word to anyone else, he drags Harry out of the bookshop and out onto the sidewalk. It’s early December and it’s starting to turn cold but Louis doesn’t seem to mind a bit. He squeezes Harry’s hand and looks up and down the street.

“Leave Liam his car, I promised him,” he says finally, and then they’re walking again.

They slowly make their way down the familiar road hand in hand, walking in silence and watching the cars that pass by. It isn’t until they reach their building that Harry honestly becomes confused. They had promised the boys yesterday that they would all meet up for drinks after the party, but that’s obviously not what’s happening.

Louis kisses the tips of Harry’s cold fingers and unsticks the lock on the door to the building. Saying nothing, he gently nudges Harry towards the steps and starts walking up. When they pass their floor, Harry frowns.

“Where are we going?”

Louis shrugs and keeps going up, all the way up to the door that leads out to the roof. It pops open easily and Harry almost cries when he sees what lies outside it.

“Louis,” he murmurs, eyes flickering over the pretty lights strung up, the pile of pillows and blankets, the picnic basket, and the stars and-

“I love you,” Louis murmurs. “And I know I’m always going to remember that night because it changed everything for me. You changed everything.”

Harry bites his lip and tries to take everything in. Louis pulls him towards the nest of pillows and blankets and the two of them sit down together. Harry lets Louis sit carefully in his lap and wrap them up.

“Louis this is,” Harry starts, but he can’t think of a way to finish. He simply shakes his head. “I’m so lucky.”

“I’m lucky,” Louis whispers back. “You never gave up on me Harry, not once. Even when I was a complete arse to you you always came back, and you still do. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you but I thank god everyday that you’re mine.”

Harry shakes his head. “You deserve to be happy, Louis, you always have. All I’ve ever wanted was to see you happy.”

“You make me happy,” Louis murmurs.

Under the stars that are fogged over but still there, Louis tugs the picnic basket over and makes Harry feed him the food he’s brought, giggling the entire time. They talk quietly about the party and the book, about Louis’ mother who has invited them to come for a visit over the weekend and Gemma’s new boyfriend they’re both quite skeptical of. Harry loves that their lives are so intertwined and when he tells Louis this, his boyfriend just laughs and kisses the tip of his nose.

“Where do you see us five years from now?” Harry asks.

Louis barks out a laugh and turns his cold nose against the skin of Harry’s neck. They’ve long since given up on sitting and are now laying together, staring up at the cloud night sky.

“What kind of question is that, my love?”

Harry whines. “Lou, don’t make fun of me. It’s a real question.”

“You’re such a sap,” Louis murmurs, propping himself up on one arm so he’s looking down at Harry. He seems to think about it for a little while, tracing hearts across Harry’s stomach with his fingers while he does. Finally he says, “Five years from now you’ll be a famous photographer who everybody loves, although not as much as I love you because you were mine first.”

Harry grins, happy that Louis’ playing along. “And us, what about us?”

“If you’ll still have me, then I’ll be just as stuck to you then as I am now,” Louis whispers. “We’ll have our little house in the country, somewhere we can see the stars. There’ll be a little studio for you and a pretty window for me to write by. I’ll let you adopt that second cat of yours, and inevitably a thousand more after that. You’ll have probably talked me into the whole family thing by that point as well.”

Harry’s heart stutters. “Do you mean it?” he asks quickly.

“I can only listen to you prattle on about babies for so long until I finally crack, Styles,” Louis teases, but Harry knows he’s serious and he almost wants to cry. “If you’ll still have me then I have no intentions of ever leaving you, Harry. You’re all I want, you have to know that by now.”

And Harry does, but it still makes him so happy to hear it. He reaches up and gently pulls Louis down to kiss. “You’re mine and I’m yours,” he whispers.

Louis smiles and lets Harry wrap him up in his arms and hold him close. This is what makes Harry feel complete, having Louis in his arms makes him feel as though he could take on the entire world if he ever had to. It’s what makes him realize that all he needs is Louis and the happy memories flash through his memory. Louis dancing with him in the kitchen with the radio on, laughing and wearing nothing but Harry’s jumper, stealing his camera away and taking awful pictures of them in the moment. Louis kissing him, teasing him, writing by his side and asking for Harry’s opinion like it’s the only one that matters. Holding his hand while they run through the rain playing footie, staying by his side at Harry’s mum’s house while they’re having dinner because he knows Harry needs him. Louis when he wakes up in the morning, beautiful and bathed with light and inevitably grumpy that Harry’s got a camera shoved in his face again. Louis whispering that he loves Harry whenever he gets the chance, looking down at Harry like he's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

And Louis, promising Harry the future he’s always wanted and the future he now could never imagine with anyone else.

“I am so proud of you,” Harry murmurs.

Louis tilts his head up and smiles at Harry. He’s glowing, beautiful and perfect. His eyes are full of hope and love, his hands no longer shake and his laughter is never hollow.

“I’m proud of me too,” he says, and that’s all Harry ever wanted.


End file.
